To ask if you think it’s selfish to have a baby using donor sperm?

[thenightwontchange]

Considering this for me but can’t work out if it’s selfish or not. Welcome honest views!

Yes, there's no other parent should something happen to you so unless you have a family member willing to take on a chid they are left to foster care etc. There's no back up salary either with no other parent which can limit options for children and mean in the event of job loss, illness etc no money.

Having a whole 50% of your identity missing must be weird too.

I'd worry for the child not knowing it's dad.

It's always tickets who already have kids that say 'adopt.
Why didn't any of them adopt instead of getting pregnant? Because a lot of people want their own flesh and blood!
(If you can't tell I'm having fertility problems )

Fuckers not tickets

Does that mean single parents are selfish then? I mean, there's no guarantee the absent parent would take on responsibility if anything happened to them. What, do we stick them in care just in case?

I conceived my DD using donor sperm and she seems pretty well adjusted. Feel free to PM if you have any questions.

mookie

I agree people who say adopt who have never adopted themselves need to have a strong word with themselves.
In history male involvement in child rearing has been minimal and humans have coped fine.
The father could die or leave or be a prat and make it much harder for the mother and child so sperm donation is easier.

Asexual people should be allowed to have kids as well without having to have relationships. Ditto lesbians and women who just want to do it alone.

Tickets - Parents who tell others to adopt. Can this be a new MN saying. I love it

OP - Ignore the tickets.

I know a couple who used donor sperm due to male fertility, which is a lot more common than people realise. They paid extra for a donor who provided more detail on their background, interests, general health, number of other children etc and who agreed that any child conceived could contact them at age 18.

I know they agonised over the decision and the female half of the couple still sometimes questions if they did the right thing (will their child resent them in some way when they get bigger etc) but the baby is much loved and hopefully access to the information and the possibility of meeting up if desired in the future will help them with any concerns or questions they might have as they grow up.

*Male infertility obviously

I dont know if selfish is the right word but it does feel short sighted to deliberately have a baby with no prospect of a father, none of his family, and none of his identity. However if you have a strong community or close family to be part of the child's life then this would compensate some way.

I’m not sure if selfish is the right word but I would feel sorry for the child who will never have a father and never know half of its identity.

I see my children with their father and their relationship is amazing, he’s a fantastic father and the children adore him. They have a completely different relationship with him than they do with me. I think having a loving father is just as important as having a living mother.

My friend is a single parent, her partner left her when she said she was pregnant and she finds it very hard knowing that her child is going to have to grow up with a dad. He’s only 2.5 years old and she’s dreading the day when he starts asking why he hadn’t got a dad. She gets tearful on it quite regularly and says she feels such guilt that he’s going to miss out on something so fundamental.

You aren’t selfish to want a child at all but as another poster has said, do you know anyone who would act as a sperm donor for you as opposes to using a spent bank?

That way at least you and your child wotkd kniw their roots and I’m an ideal he may want to play a part in the child’s life?

It's something I'm on the fence about. You'd have to hope you weren't one of the mothers whose child called you selfish. No one else's opinion matters. For some children born into this situation, they really do thing it was a selfish choice. Others are grateful for life and have no regrets. Unfortunately, you can't choose the latter.

However, it's still your choice. I'd not worry about the lack of a male role model because some other man could fill that shoe. You could try a donor who'd not mind meeting your child, or is fine with being contacted by them when older. Happily, these are very real options.

I think it’s weird if you use one of those ones like from that TV show the other day. Fuck sakes the complications that will arise from those dads having hundreds of babies all over the country each... future health problems will be rife within those bloodlines.

Otherwise nope. Absolutely not. I think it’s a perfectly okay thing to do, you want to bring a much wanted child into the world - I say go for it.

It's interesting that anything less than a perfect set up is criticised. I can think of many other scenarios where the parent(s) should actually be criticised for their actively poor and neglectful choices. Going for a non-ideal scenario where the parent will be loving and engaged doesn't seem worthy of criticism to me.

I don't think it is selffish.

I am a a LP.( married planned baby and now he hasn't seen him in 8 years). it is tough though.. Do you have family support around? How stable is your job, income?

I say this simply as it is tough with no one behind you too pick up the pieces..

I don't think you are selfish at all but think it through

I want to do what you want to do op. I have dated many men and weirdly many men nowadays dont want kids in their 20s and 30s which caused problems when women are expected to wait until late 30s early 40s for a baby.

The truth is that most of us have a child for selfish reasons. We have one because we want one. Pretending that having a child is a selfless act is silly. If you wanted to be selfless then adopt or foster.

There is a difference between being a single parent by choice and a single mother by circumstance where the father has died or fecked off.

Thank you Hans
Floaty feel free!

I disagree with the "but what if something happens to you" angle. We/our partners could all get hit by buses tomorrow so how dare any of us have children if you think like that. You can start off with two parents and end up with none.

I honestly don't know. It would be interesting to find out what the children thought.
My children's dad wasn't great. My own dad was an arsehole. But I know who he is and what he did for a living. However I can't speak for someone who has no idea who their father is and how they feel about it.

Still ultimately the same to the child..my DD knows nobody from her father's side of the family. So according to some she has 'lost half her identity' - doesn't matter how it came about, often the result is the same. Much better to be able to say it was a conscious choice than to have to admit you picked a prick of a father for your kid (in my case)

Nope. Children need love and attention. It doesn't have to come from their father.

You may have a child who is desperate to know their origins and may not be able to reconcile themselves with the fact that they will know nothing about their father.
Is your personal need for a child more important than how that child might feel?