To ask if you think it’s selfish to have a baby using donor sperm?

[thenightwontchange]

Considering this for me but can’t work out if it’s selfish or not. Welcome honest views!

Not at all selfish.

' and thirdly because there are thousands upon thousands of children waiting for adoptive homes who are currently stagnating in the care system.'

Feel free to adopt, then, nothing stopping you.

littlemisscomper, have you adopted?

I’m afraid I do.
Absolutely fine to have a child alone and to raise a child alone. But please consider doing it with a known donor. Not one who wants to coparent if that’s not what you want, but one who is willing to be available to your child when growing up to allow them to satisfy their natural urge to know their genetic heritage.
My mother died when I was very young and my father cut contact with her family and never talked to me about her. It left a huge hole in my life. I don’t think anyone should deliberately cause that sort of hole.

No, I don't think it's selfish. As long as you can provide a stable and loving home for the child, it's no more selfish than having children in any other circumstances.

It’s very difficult to find a known donor.

I'm a single mum 'by choice' to a 14 month old and I had that same thought. I've tried to be as selfless as possible during this process i.e used a well known sperm bank and picked a non anonymous donor (my child can try and contact them when they reach 18). I have lots of information about the donor (photos, letters, interview, family history, views and aspirations). I will be completely honest with my child about it all when they are old enough to understand. I also made sure I was finically secure and had and have close family support. I can understand why some people may see it as selfish but it's not any more selfish than having a one night stand with someone just to fall pregnant or having a child to try and fix a broken relationship. I have grown up with an awful father and I would have rather have had none to be honest - it would have made my life much easier. Time will tell what my child thinks of this but I hope that they'll see that they were so wanted and so loved by me and my family.

Well, sure it is, but no more selfish than having a child in (say) a stable relationship.

I’m married to the father of my children but I can assure you that I had kids purely because I wanted them and not because I felt like I would be the most amazing mother ever/DH would be the perfect father/etc etc. In other words it was a selfish act.

I believe that every child should be a wanted child, that’s about it really. There are no guarantees in life. I have a (single) friend who has two children conceived with donated sperm, lovely kids and very happy family.

What I DO think is selfish is the number of people - all men - I know of who have fathered children, whether as a deliberate choice or through contraceptive failure, and then fucked off when the relationship broke down. An adult friend’s adoptive father abandoned the family when she was about five and moved abroad, leaving her adoptive mother as a sole parent. THAT’S selfish.

Sorry, I might have got a little carried away there

A child who will be wanted and loved - that’s pretty awesome.

yes, the child may have questions about their heritage and will not have a father as such but as they wouldn’t know any different these things are a small price to pay for being given the opportunity to be born!

That's okay. I don't think it's selfish.

I think if I did it alone it would be selfish due to my circumstances

But if someone else did it... I don't think so.

I think it's one of those things... depending on your circumstances and your own views

My circumstances aren’t brilliant to be honest. Could be better, could be worse.

No it's not. It's a last resort for a lot of women. Many children have absent fathers and are not deprived.

In the past year I’ve thought about going through Danish Cryos international sperm bank as you have options to have a non-anonymous donors, but like you I worry about the reprocussions.

While it might not bother one child, another one might be of a totally different opinion. I worry about worse case scenario.

I think it's selfish in the fact that the child will not know the other half of its family, or its father's personality etc.
I know a lot of children miss out on their father but to do it on purpose is just wrong.

It's selfish because it's YOUR want for a baby that drives you to use donor sperm.

I have a child by donor egg AND sperm.

The clinic matched blood type to me. Then it was skin tone & hair colour but not eyes as apparently eye colour isn’t genetic. The donkr was tested for the HPV virus (coldsore) as if you as a recipient haven’t had one, you cannot receive from a donkr who has. My donor was also checked for Cystic Fybrosis amongst other conditions.

Your child will inherently have male role models somewhere along the stage of growing up...swimming lessons, sports, music, friends parents and so on.

Sweet - surely her ‘want’ means the baby is WANTED and therefore loved & appreciated?! Is that not more important than a two-parent family?

I do think there will come a time when your child would want to know where they come from. What little quickly things are from mum / dad? Things like looks, character or preferences about day to day things like food.
Think carefully how you would approach such a subject as I don't think you have the right to deny your child that information. Some children need to know for their emotional wellbeing whilst others don't give a toss. You won't know until the day your child asks the question.

Not selfish but a word of caution , you need a trusted person who could/would want look after your child if anything ever happened to you. Not a nice topic but a necessary one to think about. Good luck OP.

I'd consider your financial position- worst case in future benefits but a life on them although you can eat... it's hard on your own. However the child won't starve.

Consider your emotional position - sleepless nights, scares in pregnancy- anyone who will hold your hand or the baby (you do feel like your going mad sometimes) anyone in an emergency to be there with you who won't say "not my responsibility, suck it up"

Consider your career- is it child friendly without a second parent to pick up childcare?

Any abusive exes who could create problems? If so - are they dealt with?

Probably tons of others but that's what I'd go through and think on. Good luck!

Not at all.

So true T Jecklberg. I would urge anyone considering this to use a donor from a reputable clinic that gives donor information. I do not know who my father was despite years of searching. I had a stepfather , uncles and a brother so not short of male role models but a little bit of my identity is missing . I do feel it has affected my relationships with men.

The reason the law was changed to enable children of donor parents to trace their biological heritage at eighteen was because of the wishes and thoughts and feelings of children who felt that they had grown up without half of their identity and wanting to know where they had come from.

For those people saying that all a child needs is one loving parent, that’s rubbish. Yes, in situations where there is only one parent due to circumstances of course those children can do well, but generally those are circumstances outside of someone’s control not circumstances someone aims for.

But there are two issues here. The first is whetheR it’s selfish/wrong/ to have a child via donor sperm, and that argument would apply regardless of whether you were in a relationship or not. Even children who grew up in households with two parents have said they feel they missed out on a part of their identity, and as such it is something one should think about regardless of the circumstances.

The second issue is whether it is selfish to have a child as a single parent and to knowingly have a child alone. On that one I would say that categorically yes it is. Many single parents can and do manage on their own, myself included, and there are many valid reasons why someone becomes a single parent. But most single parents do not set out to be single parents, and the truth is that it’s bloody hard even if your kids are easy. And the baby stage is hard even if you do have support and an involved partner. And although those who become single parents during pregnancy often choose to keep the baby, although they may not want to think of wanting the father back, most people wouldn’t choose to be single parents either.

And it’s not just about having someone to take care of your children if something happens to you, it’s about knowing that your children will have relationships going forward with a parent, their extended family etc. My DS’ relationship with his father has all but broken down, and I do now have a life limiting illness I didn’t have when we split. If anything happened to me it scares me what would happen to him and the relationships he has with his family on that side and how that will affect him. He is old enough to make many of those decisions for himself but many are not.

A member of my ex’s family is terminally ill, and it is very much thought that when they pass their partner will move to be closer to their own family which is understandable as their children are preschool age. But it is equally thought that they won’t allow the relationship to continue with their partner’s side of the family which is something that needs to be considered.

If as a single parent you had no-one to look after your children in the event something happens to you the children will be taken into care and they will lose their entire identity. In fact even if you had no family support and ended up in hospital your children could end up having to go into care.

Just because something can be done, doesn’t mean that it should.

It’s only selfish if you can’t afford to raise the child without help from the state.

I think it’s selfish as it’s putting your desire for a child above the child right to know both parents . Doesn’t mean I would never have considered it.

Not selfish in my view, just something to be carefully considered. Something I wish I'd tried to do when I was younger, I've always wanted a child and have never had a partner. Families come in many shapes and sizes now, is a child better off in circumstances such as divorces and remarriages, with half and step siblings and changes, or married long-term partner parents who argue and fight and hate but stay together. That's how I grew up, with parents who stayed together for us kids and argued and fought and still do, would I have been better off if they split? Who knows. I had a friend at school who's dad had died, mum remarried, so step-siblings and half-siblings in the house, mum divorced and ended up staying long-term with a partner with kids so more family change. Is that parent selfish for making major life changes? Or a lone parent with more stability but no co-parent....

As for adoption, it's heartbreaking trying to do so. I seriously looked into it, as a very experienced nanny having helped raise many children, with a spare bedroom, savings and time, and still found it an almost impossible process. You have to be in perfect health, right down to BMI, able and willing to have every person in your life interviewed at length. I don't have enough friends nearby to even apply, as I moved closer to my family but away from where I've lived. Never mind that I know exactly what it's like having a young child at home, there would be no isolation issues, I always end up finding friends through playgroups and at school gates. I was also told repeatedly that most if not all children needing adoption have special needs, have been born addicted to drugs and would need very specialised care. While I understand that is true for many children, and I have lots of relevant special needs and care experience, it was emphasised to the point it really put me off. Everything was negative, no mention of any positives of adoption, seemingly all aimed at turning me off applying formally. It just isnt always an option, as much as it's wanted.