To ask if you think it’s selfish to have a baby using donor sperm?

[thenightwontchange]

Considering this for me but can’t work out if it’s selfish or not. Welcome honest views!

I agree people who say adopt who have never adopted themselves need to have a strong word with themselves

Exactly this. There's always one on these types of threads who trots out the whole adoption line. It's insulting. If you weren't willing to adopt before trying to conceive a biological child, you have no right to tell others that they should.

And I'm saying this as an adopted who thinks adoption is the most fantastic thing I have ever done. I love my son as if he were my own flesh and bones, but it is not just an easy solution for anyone who might have trouble conceiving naturally. It's a lifetime commitment to "parenting plus".

Consider co-parenting OP

The sperm donor stays involved

You have to find someone you can trust as you'll be in a relationship- all be it a non romantic one, you'll still need to get on

And make sure you get STD tests

And take your time finding a reliable co-parent

But the kid has 2 parents and there are sites out there you can find people who want this.

The law was changed recently was it not? So at 18 a child conceived by donor sperm/egg can legally track their donor. Obviously only if done via a reputable donor bank, but still

anonymousus.org/stories/

Some perspectives here from the children, mothers and sometimes fathers.

I was left alone with a new born and 2 friends came to me separately and said that they had been raised without a dad and they didn’t miss what they never had. I was so touched but they were clear that a happy family doesn’t necessarily include dad. As adults they are both married. One has kids, they other not yet but no obvious adjustment problems.

I don't think it's inherently selfish if you have the income and time that is needed to raise the child. It becomes selfish at least to an extent if you are planning on relying on tax credits designed for people who are left single parents after the breakdown of a relationship (I do not include child benefit in this as this is paid to the vast majority of parents whether single, married or otherwise).

One of my close friends is legal guardian to her dn because his parents died in a carcrash. Shes been in the papers terribly sad story. Goes to show kids can be orphaned at any point in life. Thats no reason not to have children. And adoption is fantastic. You need to be a strong wonderful person to take on the agony of the adoption process and thats not a given you would even be allowed.

Great idea. You won't have the deadbeat dad demanding his rights as a father. You won't have the row over contact and fighting over EOW and half of the holidays. You won't have to chase child support. You won't have any drama with overbearing MIL's or other family members.

You will have a lovely family. You are not being selfish at all.

If you can provide all the love and support the child needs on your own, then it's not selfish and you should do it. You shouldn't miss out on being a mum because you haven't met the right man.

But did you see the doc on channel 4 about sperm donation. Alot of creepy donors wanting to give 'natural' insemination.

Not having a child is seen as selfish by some.
Having a child is seen as selfish by some.

Then breaking it down further and further...truth is someone will always judge your choices as a woman and then more so if you become a mum.

Taking the idea of selfishness out of it since its not a fact but an opinion, and everyone has an opinion like they have an arsehole., what do you want to do? What are your choices and options?

Whatever you do, if it's donation use a good clinic not internet dodgy or random shag- make sure health wise its safe.

I understand why people do it but I feel a little sad for the child when they find out, and potentially (in some cases not all) can't ever make contact with their father

After 7 years together, an engagement, and five years of trying for a baby, as soon as I was pregnant my partner left me & I haven’t had a word nor penny from him since.

What I’m saying is, you don’t know the future. You don’t know who your child would be or what influences they may have. But to have a mum go through being a single parent to have them, would be a pretty big indication that child was extremely loved & wanted & therefore I don’t think that’s selfish at all.

Night, of course it's not straightforward. But is that any reason to rule it out? You don't want the hassle of going through the process? That seems dreadfully sad. If everyone felt that way what chance would any of the kids in care have?

Mustbe, no it shouldn't. I wish more fertile couples and existing families would consider it too. The reason I'm 'throwing the line out' is that it's an important issue, don't you think? Why create a child that wouldn't otherwise exist, with the drawbacks that it being a donor's child would bring, when there are little ones currently in the system who are desperate for a forever home? Should adoption not even be considered, just passed over as being an old fashioned, boring notion?

Assassinated, In my opinion yes, if the birth child they would otherwise have is through donor eggs or sperm, and/or to a single parent. And you're right, their children not having a father IS a situation that far too many women find themselves in, but who wishes for that? I can't think of a child who's ended up being raised by just one parent, whether due to bereavement or being abandoned by the other, who's HAPPY that that's the case. Of course many are glad to be without the deadbeat who was their father, but given a choice, if they were to have either no father at all or a decent, supportive, loving, positive role-model for a father, I should imagine most children would choose the latter. Does that make sense? A donor's child would be forever wondering what their dad looked like, what he sounded like, if that was him who just walked past, why he didn't want to have a relationship with his own child, and the rest. And they would have the worry of being quite alone without parents or siblings if anything happened to mum. Of course adopted children may have very similar feelings, but at least they are already out there, not being created specially with those worries waiting for them to grow into. Aside from anything else if you look into adoption you could consider a sibling group so they would have that built-in backup of family.

Another issue, if 10's of women in your area are using the same man's sperm, you're child may be at school with their half sibling and not even know about it. In 20 years they may be taking their half sibling home from a nightclub and not know about it... Unpleasant thought.

Yes it is selfish bringing a child into the world who has no idea of half of their heritage. Having said that, if i was faced with a choice between being childless and using a donor egg, I know I would opt for the egg.

I agree with Google goggles. Co-parenting is the ideal. Then you can find a nice Dad for your child.
If you use anonymous sperm how do you know it's from a good man? Would you want your child to have a father you don't like or respect?

I think it's funny that single dads get hero worshipped whereas single mums are selfish and their children seen as "missing half their identity". The concept of identity is nothing to do with genetics imo.

It's a bit selfish. Mind you it's no worse than people who have children with partners that they have little chance of staying with.
But ideally a child should know who their parents are. Even if the parents die there will usually be other family members who can give them information. Even in the case of a father who leaves, the mother knew them and can answer some of the child's question.
Also, the fact that some people end up as single parents doesn't mean this is a good thing to aim for. Some people have all kinds of bad things happen - doesn't mean this is OK.

All a baby needs is one loving parent. Not 2 not a man. Your baby will just need you

littlemisscomper adoption as a couple is ridiculously difficult currently - have seen so many decent, hard working couples turned down for quite frankly ridiculous reasons. One which included 'your ability to conceive a child naturally poses a risk to any child you adopt as your priorities & feelings as parents may change' - go figure. As a single person it is even harder. Perhaps it is something that all would be parents should be forced to attempt before they try to have their own child? Or perhaps those in charge should spend time working with families that approach them so that suitability increases?

I will also advise you that you need to grow a thicker skin. People will call you selfish or judge you whatever you decide. People called me selfish when I kept my baby after being raped. I don't regret it one bit!

Co-parenting even as a pre agreed concept is also not a guarantee. Much like a couple who plan a baby in a relationship, things change. Never knew much about it until i ventured into surrogacy/egg donation but i can fully appreciate why people choose anonymous donors...some of the fallouts are more catastrophic than a couple splitting up!!!

I don’t think it’s selfish in the slightest! I think that anyone who will love and care for a child should absolutely go for it in whichever way they please :)

I don’t fancy co parenting to be honest. If it’s something I choose to do it would either be with a loving partner (unlikely at my age) or alone.

I dont think its selfish at all.

However me personally i wouldnt do it because if i find myself in the situation of not having a kid as a natural continuation of life, i would want to try and accept it as it just not having been my path. But then i believe in destiny and all that crap.

I have three kids through donor sperm (my husband is infertile)

I have mulled the same question many, many times but my children are much wanted and much loved and ultimately have been given a chance at a life with parents who adore them

It does complicate things a little but all families are complicated these days!

We used a donor from Denmark and my children can find out his identity when they are 18