Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

will we ever get married?!

82 replies

cookiemonster18 · 05/06/2018 06:27

I feel like I’m going a bit mad here.
Dear Fiancé and I have been engaged for a year next month and are in a largely happy relationship.
The biggest bone of contention and the cause of all of our arguments at the moment is when we will be buying the engagement ring and when we’re going to get married. You see, we were engaged for a mere week before I found out I was expecting. We had planned to choose the ring together after the proposal but then my partners car needed work and with baby on the way we decided to revisit buying the ring when money was less tight.
Throughout pregnancy I had suggested ring shopping but money was prioritised for baby which was completely fine. Now baby is 2 months old and I’m excited to get back to planning.
Last night my fiancé and I started speaking about rings and my partner says he’s still saving and we won’t be able to get a ring or put money down for the wedding anytime soon. We had a huge argument as he’s currently car shopping but since being engaged the only time either the ring or wedding are spoken about is when I bring it up and then we argue again!
I’m feeling insecure at the moment yet my partner reassures me the ring and wedding will come but not yet! Am I being a spoilt brat? Do I have reason to be upset?
P.s. with regards to the ring I don’t care about how big the diamond is Grin I just want to look down at something on that finger, I’m also looking to plan a village hall wedding due to our financial situation and the fact I want the same surname as my DS and because I love my partner!!

Thanks

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 05/06/2018 06:34

Why do you need a ring? You could just save the money from that and put it towards the wedding instead. I wish we had. It cost £500 (small diamond) and it lovely but that money would have been a big help towards wedding costs.

speakout · 05/06/2018 06:34

He doesn't want to get married.

And do you really want to have to drag someone down the aisle?

You can't make him want this as much as you do.
Ideally you would like him to be excited at marrying you.
But he isn't.
He is more excited by the thought of a new car.
Do you really want a reluctant groom?

Vitalogy · 05/06/2018 06:36

I think if he wanted to get married you would be already. Sounds like he's making excuses. Sorry OP. I don't blame you for wanting to be married, silly man.

hildabaker · 05/06/2018 06:36

If you want to get married, why not just book a registry office and go and get married and tell everyone later?
If neither of you have any money, then you can't have a big wedding.
Is is the money or is it that he doesn't want to marry, as someone else pointed out?

FirstOfMyName · 05/06/2018 06:37

He’s not that into you. Having a baby is not as much a commitment sign as getting married. He doesn’t want to marry you. It doesn’t cost as much to go to the registry office. Ask him to do that & you’ll have your answer. If you want to be married rather than the wedding ask him & see what he says.

mummmy2017 · 05/06/2018 06:40

Tell him you want to go to argos and get a just for now ring.
You need it to show your commitment to each other.
That it's not the cost but the symbol of commitment... be adamant about it.

Original poster
cookiemonster18 · 05/06/2018 06:42

Edit*
I had a proposal ring from H Samuel but the stone is really rough and has scratched me so I’m not wearing as worried about scratching DS

OP posts:
MrsDylanBlue · 05/06/2018 06:42

I’d stop mentioning it for a bit and then engineer a way for him to think it’s his idea.

Vitalogy · 05/06/2018 06:43

why not just book a registry office and go and get married and tell everyone later? What's to bet if OP suggests that it'll be, "wouldn't you rather have a bigger wedding" or "everyone will be upset if we do that", more excuses. As PP suggested, put these things to him, see his reaction, then you'll know.

MrsDylanBlue · 05/06/2018 06:43

.....a proposal ring IS an engagement ring surely?!

newcupcake · 05/06/2018 06:44

So he proposed to you with a ring ???? That's it then surely ??!!!

starryeyed19 · 05/06/2018 06:44

OK, I was going to go in all "He doesn't want to get married" but you DO have a ring. Just not the ring you want.

Why not buy yourself a ring?

Original poster
cookiemonster18 · 05/06/2018 06:47

The ring is fine but scratchy so I haven’t worn it since DS has been born.
Maybe I am being insecure !! I don’t know anymore

OP posts:
VogueVVague · 05/06/2018 06:47

Personally in your situation i would have given the baby your surname since its only logical - and said when you're married you will then all have the same name.

FirstOfMyName · 05/06/2018 06:48

You have a ring? What’s a proposal ring if not an engagement ring? Maybe putting you off because he’s hurt the ring he chose isn’t good enough? But I’d still test him on the registry bit

VogueVVague · 05/06/2018 06:48

Sorry WTF is a proposal ring? Is that not just an engagement ring?

flower76 · 05/06/2018 06:50

I don't understand why people (usually women) are so obsessed with getting married and I'm a woman.

Just don't get it.

Firenight · 05/06/2018 06:51

You already have a ring. And no money so I’m not sure what you are on about. A fancy ring isn’t essential and you could maybe suggest an eternity ring later when the cash flow is better if it’s inportant to you. As others have said: book the registry office and get the marriage bit done.

FlyingElbows · 05/06/2018 06:52

You could get married next week if you actually wanted to. What you really want is a wedding. They are not the same thing.

mummmy2017 · 05/06/2018 06:53

So you have a ring... this is about you feeling needy....
Put you ring back on girl... he way think your not wearing it due to you not wanting to commit.
All rings scratch. They stand raised on your finger..
Ask him where he can see you getting married... forget the date talk about the event.

VogueVVague · 05/06/2018 06:55

If the wedding is that important to you just buy a normal white dress off asos and book thr church and have a pub lunch after.

Flaminglingos · 05/06/2018 06:55

You sound like hard work tbh, proposal ring is an engagement ring. It sounds like you want a big Disney style wedding and you're freaking him out with your unrealistic expectations.

AuntieStella · 05/06/2018 06:56

I wouid suggest to him that you delay saving for a second engagement ring, and instead pop to the registry office for a no-frills legal ceremony. You needn't tell anyone about it, and can have a 'wedding' when you can afford it (new ring in run up to that?)

If he says 'no' then you need to consider your options. If this is a deal breaker, then your path is clear, If not, you still need to read up in the differences between cohabitation and marriage, and maintain your financial independence. When can you return to work?

Vitalogy · 05/06/2018 06:56

I don't understand why people (usually women) are so obsessed with getting married and I'm a woman. Security, especially when you have children.

catinasplashofsunshine · 05/06/2018 06:57

You already have an engagement ring. Stop obsessing about the ring. Loads of people don't wear their engagement rings because they aren't practical, including people who have enormous blingy diamonds or immensely valuable heirlooms.

If you want to be married be very practical about it and just ring the registry office, ask for availability and pricing, and offer him a choice - the registry office is available on 7th September at £120 or 8th September at £200 or 8th November at £80, which date would you prefer to get married on?

If he blusters he isn't up for getting married and you can decide whether to lump that or dump him.