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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

will we ever get married?!

82 replies

cookiemonster18 · 05/06/2018 06:27

I feel like I’m going a bit mad here.
Dear Fiancé and I have been engaged for a year next month and are in a largely happy relationship.
The biggest bone of contention and the cause of all of our arguments at the moment is when we will be buying the engagement ring and when we’re going to get married. You see, we were engaged for a mere week before I found out I was expecting. We had planned to choose the ring together after the proposal but then my partners car needed work and with baby on the way we decided to revisit buying the ring when money was less tight.
Throughout pregnancy I had suggested ring shopping but money was prioritised for baby which was completely fine. Now baby is 2 months old and I’m excited to get back to planning.
Last night my fiancé and I started speaking about rings and my partner says he’s still saving and we won’t be able to get a ring or put money down for the wedding anytime soon. We had a huge argument as he’s currently car shopping but since being engaged the only time either the ring or wedding are spoken about is when I bring it up and then we argue again!
I’m feeling insecure at the moment yet my partner reassures me the ring and wedding will come but not yet! Am I being a spoilt brat? Do I have reason to be upset?
P.s. with regards to the ring I don’t care about how big the diamond is Grin I just want to look down at something on that finger, I’m also looking to plan a village hall wedding due to our financial situation and the fact I want the same surname as my DS and because I love my partner!!

Thanks

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 05/06/2018 07:18

Loads of people don't wear their engagement ring, just the wedding band.

Neither DH nor I wear any rings. Married 14 years.

bonnyshide · 05/06/2018 07:18

Does your engagement ring have to be a diamond? Why not a lovely cheaper ring that he doesn't have to save for?

Why not get married at the local registry office? With a celebratory party when you can afford it.

Is it marriage you want or a ring and a wedding? I wouldn't want to marry someone who put so much pressure on me either...or do you think he's using lack of money as an excuse because he doesn't really want to marry you?

Original poster
cookiemonster18 · 05/06/2018 07:19

Not ignoring suggestion of registry office - I’m going to go ahead and look at dates!

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 05/06/2018 07:21

Charitably, I think you're both conflating 'wedding' with 'marriage'. Choose simple wedding rings (I love our very simple wedding rings, bought 18 years ago on a tiny student budget, and I wouldn't dream of replacing them even though we could afford more now) and book a date at the register office (or, if you are religious, be married in your church during a Sunday service) followed by a village hall party with guests bringing a dish and bottle to share in lieu of a gift. If your dp won't go for that, then you have bigger problems - it will mean he doesn't really want to be married.

MrsDylanBlue · 05/06/2018 07:21

*My name was on the mortgage anyway so that made no difference

Oh the ignorance...*

If you are on the title deeds andviwn half the house it makes no difference if you are married or unmarried - and I had no claim over his pension as his wife - as the idiot didn’t have one.

Original poster
cookiemonster18 · 05/06/2018 07:24

I appreciate all your suggestions and agree with points raised, I want to be my partners wife because I love him and yes DS is already registered.
As mentioned I’m going to continue with registry office and village hall/ pub. I don’t want a big flashy wedding at all.
I suppose the crux of it is that I’m doing all the planning - let’s see what happens !

OP posts:
Sprinklesinmyelbow · 05/06/2018 07:28

I agree I don’t actualy understand why people think you need to be married to get half the house if you already own half of it!

Conversely, I own our house- the bank wouldn’t lend him the money. We’re married. The bank still have priority over him.

RoseAndRose · 05/06/2018 07:30

If you are unmarried, you own the house in the proportions laid down at the time you bought it. And you will get back what you put in. So unless you actively hold it in unequal shares, which most people don't, you will get 50/50. If you think you should get 60/40 because you have no savings and next to no pension, because you SAHMed, you'll be in for a nasty surprise if unmarried

MrsDylanBlue · 05/06/2018 07:31

“Statement of arrangements for the children” isn’t legally binding either nor worth the paper it’s written on and a NRP should never be forced to see his children - even if he is your husband.

Not that I am bitter Smile

Good luck op!

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 05/06/2018 07:31

You still get 50:50 of the house though. No one is suggesting house ownership gives an entitlement to other assets

speakout · 05/06/2018 07:32

But it is possible to maintain financial security and be a SAHM.

OH and I have been together 22 years. Two kids, happily unmarried.

If anything I have greater financial stability in the arrangement than him.

Addy2 · 05/06/2018 07:37

You will be hit by inheritance tax on life insurance etc. if unmarried. Also, if he doesn't have a will, his assets may not go to you if he dies.

AuntieStella · 05/06/2018 07:37

There are many routes to whatever level of security and independence you feel you want.

That is why the consistent advice on MN is to read up on the differences and understand what you are choosing

SomeoneAteMyStrudel · 05/06/2018 07:37

But if he dies, if he leaves everything to you, you will be liable for inheritance tax. If he dies without a will then his estate won't go to you, you could be left owning half a house and not being able to afford to buy out the rest of it. In reality few women are better off unmarried if they are SAHM.

meditrina · 05/06/2018 07:41

"But it is possible to maintain financial security and be a SAHM"

True, but most of the population does not have a private income/trust fund. Indeed I'd go as far as to say it was quite unusual.

The important thing is to know what are the legal consequences of your choice to marry or not, and if you are happy with that situation (considering all of: happily ever after, separation, death and incapacitation). Remembering that wills and pension beneficiaries can be changed at the stroke of a pen.

fontofnoknowledge · 05/06/2018 07:48

Pray do enlighten us all speakout . How have you achieved being more secure unmarried than married as a SAHM for 22 yrs. unless you have a huge independent wealth far in excess of your DP?

fontofnoknowledge · 05/06/2018 07:49

...which is less than 3% of the cohabiting female population with children.

givemesteel · 05/06/2018 07:49

Now you have a baby the rings, the wedding itself is not the priority, you need to just get married to protect yourself.

Etsy has lovely rings with semi precious stones, just choose one for less than a hundred quid, and either ask him to buy it for you or buy it yourself.

Trust me, a few years down the line rings don't matter. Mine are beautiful and very expensive but with two small dc they're not practical so in a safe, I've just got a 30 quid Elizabeth Duke band on to show I'm married, so no big deal if it gets lost.

ScrubTheDecks · 05/06/2018 07:50

OP, security is what will make you feel secure. Is your name on the house deeds? Can you be self sufficient financially or will you be a SAHM?

If you have your own property and a higher income than him there is less to worry about.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 05/06/2018 07:51

Did you suffer a contraception failure? Did he want a baby?

Perhaps the baby has changed things. His priority now is more practical things like a car, and you are still in the fairytale land of babies and weddings.

Shoxfordian · 05/06/2018 07:51

It doesn't sound like your partner is particularly bothered about marrying you op; he'd rather put his money towards car shopping

Agree with others that marriage is the best way to achieve some financial security especially once you have children.

fontofnoknowledge · 05/06/2018 07:55

Registry office as fast as you can. £156 in my local town. Small room with 15 Guests. Just get it done and make sure you have all the legal stuff that protects you and lo.

Then save up for a wedding. You can have a blessing and the glamorous party it sounds like you want. Anyone prioritising a 'replacement ring' doesn't realise how important it is to be married once you have a child.

To answer your question I do not think he will want to marry now. He has a child (you have given away your 'bargaining chip'). There is all to lose and nothing to gain for him except that old fashioned notion of 'because I love you'.

PrincessCuntsuelaVaginaHammock · 05/06/2018 07:59

Speakout has basically pursued various types of earning and income maximisation that don't involve paid work for an employer. Effectively self employed entrepreneurship, of a type. A rather niche option. It's worked out well for her, but then the problem that a SAHP would have unless they already had assets is the time spent building up to this. If you and your partner split up a few years in, when you've been out of work long enough to get rusty but not long enough to make yourself rich through sidelines... you have a problem.

In terms of the OP, I do see how you've ended up in this position and I don't think not being up for making wedding plans when you have a 2 month old baby is necessarily a sign that someone is trying to evade it. I wouldn't have had the headspace to think about that myself when mine were that age. I think you have to make it very clear how important this is to you now and then see what the response is. To that end, I'd also forget about the new ring. That's surely only going to delay things. If he's still prevaricating, then maybe you have your answer.

Also what do you mean by car shopping? Is it an unnecessary upgrade, or is your current one on last legs, or do you not have one and he needs something for work etc? Because if it's effectively non-discretionary then that is going to have to come ahead of anything other than a bare bones wedding. If not, then you have the right to be pissed off.

MarthasGinYard · 05/06/2018 08:14

'I had a proposal ring from H Samuel '

So you are engaged then I'm confused

What's a proposal ring Confused

MarthasGinYard · 05/06/2018 08:15

Can you not just set a date in your village hall to work to?