For upsetting MIL over names?

[eniledam]

My DD is due in August, and MIL is stressing me out when it comes to what surname we will give her.

My DH already has a double-barrelled surname. For the sake of anonymity, lets say it's "Dewington-White." I have one surname - call it "Bedford".

I've always wanted to double-barrel my DC surnames. I think taking the paternal name is antiquated. I've suggested to DH that we name DD "Bedford-White" and he is happy with this. But my MIL is devastated that we are omitting "Dewington", as this is her family name. (For context, MIL and FIL are just Mr & Mrs White. They named my DH and BIL Dewington-White because at the time she thought her family name would die out otherwise.)

Since then, there are more Dewington children in the family as her brothers went on to have DC. However, they are all girls, so may change their names when they marry.

AIBU to want to keep my surname for my DC, and omit hers/half of DHs? I thought about keeping "Dewington" but it's an absolute mouthful when put with "Bedford". I know when she named DH she thought her family name would then survive down the line with his DC - and now I come along and want to get rid of it. Is it worth upsetting her?

Your child your choice x

Could you use it as a middle name?

Imo if you let her have a say in such an important matter before your dd is even here you leave yourself wide open for further demands /expectations to go her way.

Yes of course it is! She had her chance to name her kids, bows your chance. It's literally no ones business but yours and DHs.

Why should your history be written out in favour of hers?? Batshit

so she is upset because you are doing exactly the same as she did?
Bonkers, do what you want!

It wasn’t important enough to her to just give her child her own name, so she has a cheek blaming you for her family name no longer being used. Why should your own child not have your name, OP?

I’d tell her, kindly, that you and your DP will decide.

Why should her desire to 'preserve' her family name trump yours? To be honest, I don't really care about preserving family names, but there's no way I would just go along with automatically given children the father's name - antiquated indeed!

Could you use 'her' name as a (second) middle name? E.g. Samantha Isabella Dewington Bedford-White or something like that?

Exactly. What gives her family name more rights than your family name. Have Bedford -White and be done with it. You’re not doing anything wrong.

Use it as a middle name before the B-W if you want to accommodate her. Otherwise do as you please...

WTF?

Passing on granny's name takes precedence over passing on mum's own name?

Even though the name granny actually HAS - White - is going to be in the name already?

I've heard it all now!!

What does MIL want as a first name? I mean come on OP, why should you decide...

Tell her she only gets to name a child if she’s willing to suffer the 9 months and then give birth . Otherwise she has no say. It’s simple like that.

Your DH needs to talk to her about this one, it sounds like it’s what you both want so he should be dealing with his mother’s feelings about it.

I prefer Dewington-White to Bedford-White but that’s not really the point!!

This is what we have in front of us- MIL's name would be the one to drop as it's just not as nice and doesn't go well with mine. Except in our case MIL is a very reasonable woman and would never let on if she was disappointed, and D "they're both my name" H is the one making a big deal about it. I think he's worried about hurting the "dropped" parent's feelings but he won't admit it.

Watching with interest!

So you'll all have different surnames?

Thanks for all your replies - thought I was going a little mad!! MIL name isn't really the type of name you can have as a middle name, so can't do that.

Just going to put my foot down on this then. My surname is the better sounding name anyway

I agree it isn't up to her. I just want to say that 'Alex Bedford Dewington-White' sounds very classy?
Not everyone will agree though, certainly not on Mumsnet, I'm sure!

I'm with everyone else - stand your ground. I could be in your MIL's position one day. But I knew that when we made our choices about our names. And that's the point. Now it's your choice - not hers!

I gave my daughter her father's surname as I believe in it. Also I fully expected us to marry one day. At which point I would take his name. Sadly it didn't happen but it doesn't bother me to have a different surname to my daughter x

Your name and one of DHs is fine.

Which one of HIS surnames he chooses to pass to his kids is up to him! It's him who needs to have a word with his mum.

Double barrelled names have to evolve by replacement over time otherwise if we just collected more and more people would end up with 4/8/10 surnames!

Jesus Christ your child your surname!!

You’re dh needs to be firmly on your side.

Put your foot down this is your child not hers. Your partner is also happy with your suggestion so go with that.

Just remember OP, if you marry your DP and take his name then you'll both have a different surname to your child. Whereas if you name them Bedford Dewington-White then you won't. The only time having a different surname to your child is an issue is at Border Control when travelling. You sometimes have to prove parentage 🙄

OP is married to him sick.

I agree, mostly, BUT to play devil's advocate for a minute - you don't agree with only taking the fathers name, so keeping the mothers name is important to you, as it obviously was to MIL. But you're getting rid of the 'mothers' half of his name because it doesn't sound as good. I can kind of see it from her point of view a bit.

But in reality it is, of course, your and DH's baby and she doesn't get a say!

so youre considering getting rid of your name to put in MILs? No. She had her choice with her child and did it her way. This is now your child. Tell her to jog on.