For upsetting MIL over names?

[eniledam]

My DD is due in August, and MIL is stressing me out when it comes to what surname we will give her.

My DH already has a double-barrelled surname. For the sake of anonymity, lets say it's "Dewington-White." I have one surname - call it "Bedford".

I've always wanted to double-barrel my DC surnames. I think taking the paternal name is antiquated. I've suggested to DH that we name DD "Bedford-White" and he is happy with this. But my MIL is devastated that we are omitting "Dewington", as this is her family name. (For context, MIL and FIL are just Mr & Mrs White. They named my DH and BIL Dewington-White because at the time she thought her family name would die out otherwise.)

Since then, there are more Dewington children in the family as her brothers went on to have DC. However, they are all girls, so may change their names when they marry.

AIBU to want to keep my surname for my DC, and omit hers/half of DHs? I thought about keeping "Dewington" but it's an absolute mouthful when put with "Bedford". I know when she named DH she thought her family name would then survive down the line with his DC - and now I come along and want to get rid of it. Is it worth upsetting her?

How about a completely new name made up of an amalgamation of the surnames eg Bedewhite or Dewhibed. All a bit awful but you get the drift. Or just a completely new cool surname like McQueen or I really like Featherstone. Whatever rocks your boat (do not tell anyone until baby is born).
How many barrells can you go anyway..

I mean the mothers half of DHs name.

Do what you want.

I cannot fathom some people's obsession with family names. Surely most families and bloodlines are mixed up enough that names are not that meaningful? And especially when it comes to women. I've often thought that one good reason for having children would be to carry on my name as I'm proud of my heritage, but it's obviously my dad's name anyway, and his dad was adopted, so Christ only knows what HIS 'real' family name was... etc etc.

Huh? She didn’t even bother with HER OWN name. Dropped it like it was hot? But now is demanding your children have her fathers name. It’s not even her name anymore. If this is any indication of future behaviour, you will not want your children called after her. I know, I know you want to be the dutiful daughter in law. The nice person who actually likes her mother in law. They do exist. But it really depends on having a normal mother in law with normal expectations.

I see where you are coming from but are you really suggesting that the three of you ( Dp, yourself and dd) all have different surnames??

We actually had the exact same dilemma, except that I have a brother who may pass on our family name, while my DPs only sibling has already taken her DHs name, so his family name would definitely "die out". As his double barralled surname represents his parents long and happy marriage, as well as his cultural roots, while my surname originated with my stupid abusive father from whom my mother is thankfully a long time divorced, we went with his name. Had I felt any attachment to my family name however I would be doing the same as you and insisting he drop one of his last names.

I don't know why it doesn't occur to parents double barralling their surnames that this might be an issue in the future. Does your MIL think that she's the only one who shouldn't have to give up her name? Or that you would triple barrel? Where does it end? Fine to double barrel a last name if you want but you have to accept that it probably won't get passed on in tact!

I do feel for her but I think she needs to keep her disappointment to herself and butt out. I'm not usually one to say "Your bubz, your rulez, hun" but I think it applies here!

Tell her you'll go for the feminist Bedford-Dewington and eliminate the immediate male ancestry I rather like that one actually.

I see where you are coming from but are you really suggesting that the three of you ( Dp, yourself and dd) all have different surnames??

I don't get the amazement at this. I've taught a few children where the parents have double-barrelled their child's names e.g. Mr Jones and Ms Binkley have David Jones-Binkley. It's less confusing than the child Jemima Johnson whose mother is Ms Papplewick (and that's not really confusing either). Surely it's not that unusual?

So mil dropped the dewington but expects you to keep it?! Yanbu

You're right.

That said, my DCs have my original surname as a middle name for this very reason. So they'd have part of my heritage in their name. It is absolutely not a first name, but they have it just the same.

Would you absolutely not consider using Dewington as a middle name?

I don’t see why they can’t just have your surname. Why do they need your partner’s at all? You aren’t married.

You aren’t married ... what because she doesn't have her DH (CLUE) name?

There are no rules on what is or isn't a middle name so keeping it as a middle name is a nice gesture.

Alternatively combine both their surnames into the second barrel of the name. Bedford-Whitewington actually sounds quite good

I love all the posts saying "Alexandra Bedford Dewington-White sounds nice, I'd keep it!" and "I prefer the sound of Bedford-Dewington etc" those aren't actually our real names, they're just examples (although they're similar in syllable counts). I wonder if I gave everyone our real surnames, they'd change their opinions haha.

Definitely going to speak to DH later about this - you're right, it's his DM, he can help with this. I don't mind that we don't all have the same surname - I like that there's a bit of both of us in our DC name. I really don't see why it's strange, plenty of people do this.

OP I think you and your DH should go all in and change YOUR names to Bedford White too ...

I see where you are coming from but are you really suggesting that the three of you ( Dp, yourself and dd) all have different surnames??

I can top that. DP and I have 2 children together and 4 last names between us all. Never been an issue during international travel or otherwise.

OP name your child what you like.

Don’t give her headspace . GPS that try to dictate what should or should not happen with children drive me insane. My DD kept her name and the children had two surnames together without a hyphen. Her name was last.

Oh my, the fuss and stupidity. For years her in-laws left her name of the end when posting cards to the children. When they were teens they gave them a cheque each with the just the first part of the surname.

So MIL didn't think her own family name was important enough to keep and use for herself, but is outraged because you aren't giving it to your children?

I'd just laugh at her and tell her that you'll be naming your children whatever you and DH decide, no one else gets a vote.

Or, better yet, have your DH tell her to zip it or she's going to make you not want to spend time with her if she keeps going on about something that has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with her.

those aren't actually our real names, they're just examples

You totally wish they were your real names now though, don't you?

whats your own great grandparents surname? I’m not sure your children will be overly attached or proud to have their great grandparents name attached to them instead of their mothers or grandfathers.

You totally wish they were your real names now though, don't you?

E.g. Samantha Isabella Dewington Bedford-White or something like that?

Makes me think of Colonel Fazackerley Butterworth-Toast.

Id say to dh "Bedford is half of the surname, your choice over which of your surnames you want to add" then the onus is on him.

Bought an old castle complete with a ghost.....

automatically given children the father's name - antiquated indeed!

Something that 99% of people do out of tradition is not what antiquated means. It's sexist, if anything, but is as "antiquated" as single sex sports or newspapers.