For upsetting MIL over names?

[eniledam]

My DD is due in August, and MIL is stressing me out when it comes to what surname we will give her.

My DH already has a double-barrelled surname. For the sake of anonymity, lets say it's "Dewington-White." I have one surname - call it "Bedford".

I've always wanted to double-barrel my DC surnames. I think taking the paternal name is antiquated. I've suggested to DH that we name DD "Bedford-White" and he is happy with this. But my MIL is devastated that we are omitting "Dewington", as this is her family name. (For context, MIL and FIL are just Mr & Mrs White. They named my DH and BIL Dewington-White because at the time she thought her family name would die out otherwise.)

Since then, there are more Dewington children in the family as her brothers went on to have DC. However, they are all girls, so may change their names when they marry.

AIBU to want to keep my surname for my DC, and omit hers/half of DHs? I thought about keeping "Dewington" but it's an absolute mouthful when put with "Bedford". I know when she named DH she thought her family name would then survive down the line with his DC - and now I come along and want to get rid of it. Is it worth upsetting her?

I see where you are coming from but are you really suggesting that the three of you ( Dp, yourself and dd) all have different surnames??

But isn't this what all double barrelling means? DH and I are going to give the baby I'm expecting in a few weeks' time our two surnames double barrelled, so I'm Margaret X, he's Husband Y and the baby will be Baby Y-X. So yes, we will all have different surnames - but we'll also both have a clear connection to our child's surname. Personally I find it weirder when women give their children a surname that has no relation at all to their own name - so if we just called our baby Baby Y.

I will be in the same position as MIL most likely. I was the last of the ‘brick’ very rare surname with interesting lineage. Married a ‘hewly’. I became Hewly-Brick. All three DS are Hewly-Bricks.

My choice. I would be disappointed if ‘Brick’ disappeared but I would keep my mouth firmly shut. Is a decision for DS and FDIL.

But you yourself are called “ brick”. The OPs mother in law got rid of her own name for herself so she can’t claim she’s overly attached to it now.
Well she can I suppose, but she’s lost leverage.

My mil is a hypocrite like yours! You are using her married name. What a diva your mil is!

My children are double barrelled with mine and my DH's last names, and we each kept our own name. It's worked very well for us.

Let your DH deal with her. It's none of her business; she shouldn't raise the issue again with you.

That is true slanetylor.

I really don't understand this whole "but the family name will die out!"
Your family just evolves, it doesn't wipe out your family history or kill off all your past relatives who had that name and took new married ones.

I wonder, if mankind lives long enough, if last names will all die out due to marriage til we all just have the same one anyway.

Id say to dh "Bedford is half of the surname, your choice over which of your surnames you want to add" then the onus is on him.

I did this, except we both changed our names when we got married pre-DC.

We're double-barrelling future DD, which will mean the three of us have different names but it will be pretty bloody obvious we're related. My hope, if I'm honest, is that she won't change her name when/if she gets married but if she wants to double-barrel hers or her future children with a future partner I do think the most sensible way to do it is to go with what sounds best.

I hate the idea that women's surnames should automatically be dumped, but I think people should have a choice. Ultimately she's trying to control your DH's choice. I'd make it clear its not up to you though - ultimately, your DH gets to choose half the surname, and its his call which half. If you put it like that there's not much she can say, and better she holds it against him, who she is required to forgive, than you.

Slightly worrying precedent-setting perhaps, if of all the names available yours is apparently the one to be dropped. You and you DH should please yourselves without reference to your MIL.

@MargaretCavendish I didn't give my children a name that wasn't connected to me, I gave them my surname, which just so happens to be the surname my dh had from birth and I'd had from l marriage.

Sorry, zeeboo - I was maybe a bit ambiguous, by 'women give their children a surname that has no relation at all to their own name' I meant when women who haven't changed their own name (either because they're not married or because, like me, they didn't change their own name on marriage) give their baby the partner's name. I didn't mean women who changed their name - I agree with you that that is giving the baby your own name, it's just your name that you got through marriage rather than your name you got through birth.

Something that 99% of people do out of tradition is not what antiquated means. It's sexist, if anything, but is as "antiquated" as single sex sports or newspapers.

I do know what 'antiquoated' means, busybarbara, thanks: 'old-fashioned', 'obsolete', 'out-dated' etc. And that is exactly this is, in my opinion. Single sex sports or newspapers are, again in my opinion, not antiquated. You might have a different opinion, that's fine (obviously).

@eniledam I know they aren't your real surnames! 🙄 I just figured they were similar!

We had the same situation but I wasn't a fan of double barrel names. I didnt use my surname so we decided not to give it to tge children but kept FIL's surname and all three of our children have their maternal grandmother's surname as a middle name.

Bloody hell, if she wants another child to name, she knows what to do. You must name the child what you want. Honestly. Have her name as a middle name if you like but do not forgo your own name for the sake of your MIL's maiden name. Just say "We (DH and I) will decide on baby's name, and I won't be discussing it anymore."

My family name has died out. (I am not sad, it was horrible!)

YANBU

Why don’t you tell MIL to just change hers by deed poll

Interesting read this thread.

I work in public health in a low socio-economic area and most of our double-barrelled named patients have had the dad's name tacked onto the mum's name. (most of the time,, Dad is no longer on the scene).

for example, Amelia Stewart-King. Sounds like a very prestigious name but in actual fact the said child is 2 steps away from being taken into care.

Not worth while upsetting MIL. over this. Give the name to the DC as a middle name. you never know, 20 years down the track DC might want to research family history and the link will be there. (I am a mad history buff).

My own DS has his fathers first name as his middle name. I don't particularly like the name but it rarely gets used and it goes back forever that the first born son has his fathers first name as his middle name. (Help, 'm confusing myself).

This kind of thing has been an issue in my family as well. I find it hard to understand myself but some people do seem to feel very strongly about it . I have reminded people that once they are dead they will have no idea who is called what and absolutely no reason to care.

On a practical level, I have a very short, very normal English name and I have to spell it all the time. Going through life saddled with a double-barrelled name would drive me insane.

I know somebody who had a double barrelled name and when she married she just added his surname on to the end and became triple barrelled. It was a bit silly tbh and as your mil wanted to preserve her surname she should understand you wanting to preserve yours and it's your child at the end of the day not hers

Stick with your choice you'll end up regretting it if you don't do it. Your baby at the end of the day...

If her name was that important to her, why is she just Mrs white and not Mrs dewington-white?

It's not important to her, she just wants control and to say she named the baby. Sod her.

I used to work in a children's hospital, and some of the double-barrelled surnames were so long they wouldn't fit on a medicine label!