To invite both MIL & FIL...

[SheepGoesMoo]

even though I know that means MIL won’t come?

Long back story but MIL & FIL been divorced since DH was small, they got on well until a few years ago after an incident (they give different versions of what happened). Now MIL won’t be in the same room (or garden) as FIL & her contempt for him has grown over the years, he has no issue with her.

This has caused huge upset to MIL as she feels we shouldn’t invite FIL to events as she then won’t attend. Recently there was a big family (DH side) birthday celebration and MIL was not invited as the host didn’t want an atmosphere. Obviously MIL extremely hurt by this.

It’s our DC’s 1st birthday next month and as we both have large families thought a BBQ would be a nice idea to celebrate.

After the fall out from the last family event there’s no way we’ll not invite MIL, so it would be FIL who wouldn’t get invited if any. I love both of them equally, and don’t want to hurt either. For context because of MIL attitude to FIL, there have been a couple of events weve had where DH has invited MIL, but not FIL - but never the other way round.

Feel like it’s rock and hard place situation!

Without knowing what the incident was I would say invite both and be firm that both are welcome.

Invite both. If they can't put their differences aside for an hour or 2 then leave it to them to decide who is coming.

My mother said she would not attend my wedding if my dad was there (first meeting after an acrimonious divorce a decade prior) . I told her to stop being daft - she came, both were civil.

YANBU - tell them to grow the fuck up and if they want to have a relationship with their grandchildren then they will to learn to behave like adults and be civil to one another or they'll miss out!

Invite both. Quite frankly, it’s not your problem it’s their problem and they need to deal with it and can’t make you and your partner the piggies in the middle

Depends on the incident

As above it’s hard to say who is being unreasonable without know what caused such a fall out. However it does sound like MIL is cutting off her nose to spite her face. The only ones missing out here are her and your child, is she going to be able to justify this to her grandchildren as they get older?
Like I said it really does depend on what’s happened but presumably it’s nothing terrible if everyone else has a good relationship with FIL in which case some needs to have a word with MIL and tell her to get a grip.

there have been a couple of events weve had where DH has invited MIL, but not FIL - but never the other way round.

I expect he's really hurt by this but kind enough not to make a massive issue out of it like your MIL

You need to stop cutting him out, it's really unkind. I totally get why it's happened though so I don't think it's your fault. The temptation to pander to the loudest for an easy life is too great.

Invite them both, if she can't get over herself and put a 1 year old first then that's her problem not yours. Let your DC have a great relationship with gramps.

See that’s the tricky bit - the incident. Didn’t want to make the OP got on forever but it’s probably important. They’ve been sleeping together on and off since the divorce, a few years ago after a night out MIL says she decided she didn’t want sex after they started kissing etc, said he didn’t listen so she shouted stop again then pushed him away & left. FIL says she only said it once while pushing him away. No one but them knows exactly what happened. After this she told 9yo DN that he tried to rape her (DN had to ask what this meant).

FIL hasn’t said a bad word about her since this, he has slated him for every little thing but she’s hugely jealous of his relationship with BIL & SIL, who are much closer to him.

FIL would come and sit away from her to try and be as unconfrontational as possible. She would see him and leave.

Unless FIL did something absolutely awful, MIL needs to get a grip.

Up to you but I would STRONGLY recommend grasping the nettle right now, when your DS is too small to know about any of this nonsense, and make it crystal clear that you will NOT have every family celebration ruined by having to dance around pandering to this.

Your DS has the right to have both his grandparents at his birthday, now and in the future.

Your responsibility is to him and his feelings before MIL's.

Both grandparents have an equal right to be invited to family events.

So that's what's going to happen.

MIL has the right not to come.

Do it now, put your foot firmly down and with any luck by the time your DS is old enough to interact, you'll have a setup where both gps come along and sensibly stay away from one another.

Invite both and if she decides not to come that's her call.

Yab massively unreasonable not inviting fil to previous occasions because of mil, why the hell should be miss out because your mil can't act like an adult?

Put your foot down now "Mil you will both always be invited to all our things, forever, we hope both will come but if not that's your call and you missing out but we will not be put in a position so either come or bow out gracefully but guilt trips are not welcome at our door"

Try and be Switzerland, stay neutral. Invite both and let each know the other's invited.
It's not up to one parent to dictate your invitation list.

She told your nine year old dn her grandad tried to rape her???? She'd be fucking lucky to be invited at all if that was me

Ok, from your update.

Your MIL sounds like a right old manipulator. I say this in the understanding that no-one really knows what may have happened that night of course. But - bringing a 9 year old into it? Saying that to a 9 year old?

That would be my red flag to make sure that there were very firm boundaries in place wrt MIL's contact and influence on the family and your own DC. I'd start with making it clear to her that she doesn't call the shots when it comes to your family arrangements.

Invite both. Do not get involved in their dispute.

If they choose not to attend because they cannot be civil/not speak to one another for the sake of their grandchildren, then it is on them.

It’s essentially up to DH though. If it was me I’d invite both all the time. His DM is dramatic, ‘woe is me’ etc - basically shouts the loudest as pp said. Whether as FIL doesn’t make a peep - which is unfair I agree.

We actually have 2x pre-teens and amazingly aren’t very aware of it all. Eldest has asked why they aren’t married anymore and just accepts they aren’t friends now. However older teenage DN’s are very aware and rest MIL because of it.

I think by excluding FIL you are enabling MIL to continue this 'him or me' attitude. Obviously it's difficult to comment without knowing exactly what happened, but I think you should invite both. She's never going to try and get past this if you're letting her dictate who you invite to things.

Unless your FiL really did something dreadful I think you should invite both and appeal to MiL that you'd love to have her there and it's going to be a big event and she can stay away from FiL.

Invite both. Remind both (or just MIL) it is THEIR GRANDCHILD's birthday and thus the event is about the child, and about not them.

But if your dh gives in he is just making it worse, knock it on the head straight away or it will get worse. She might tantrum the first once or twice but when she realizes your not listening, entertaining and both are being invited I bet she changes her mind.

Sorry resent her - not rest.

It was my (at the time 9yo) neice, not my dc - SIL (DH sister) was obviously beyond furious and her relationship with MIL has deteriorated since. It was nieces 18th recently that she didn’t invite MIL to.

to add: I would be FURIOUS if my DM or MIL spoke about rape to my 9 year old.

So your FIL tried to rape your MIL and you want to punish her for coming out with it by talking shit about her? If I were your dh then FIL would be cut off immediately.

Invite both of them. Make it clear that you consider it deeply unfair that you are being forced to choose.