To invite both MIL & FIL...

[SheepGoesMoo]

even though I know that means MIL won’t come?

Long back story but MIL & FIL been divorced since DH was small, they got on well until a few years ago after an incident (they give different versions of what happened). Now MIL won’t be in the same room (or garden) as FIL & her contempt for him has grown over the years, he has no issue with her.

This has caused huge upset to MIL as she feels we shouldn’t invite FIL to events as she then won’t attend. Recently there was a big family (DH side) birthday celebration and MIL was not invited as the host didn’t want an atmosphere. Obviously MIL extremely hurt by this.

It’s our DC’s 1st birthday next month and as we both have large families thought a BBQ would be a nice idea to celebrate.

After the fall out from the last family event there’s no way we’ll not invite MIL, so it would be FIL who wouldn’t get invited if any. I love both of them equally, and don’t want to hurt either. For context because of MIL attitude to FIL, there have been a couple of events weve had where DH has invited MIL, but not FIL - but never the other way round.

Feel like it’s rock and hard place situation!

It's a hard one.

No one knows what the truth is. Though the fact that you say the grandfather is quiet- surely if you've been accused of rape you won't be quiet about it?!

But regardless If she was raped or he attempted to, she should know better than to tell her 9 yr old grandchild!

To be honest I think I would go for a weekend away and not invite anyone. Whole thing sounds dreadful for all involved. I wouldn't want to spend my child's 1st birthday like that.

But he stopped before any clothes even came off! - or am I being extremely naive???

Of course he had said he’s innocent. What I meant was while shes slating him of every small thing, even early retirement, he doesn’t say anything negative about her.

I believe something happened, probably exactly as she said but I don’t think that means he tried to rape her. Like I said I’ve been in that situation, I did not class that as attempted rape. Therefore I class the not being near him, not referring to him by anything other that ‘him’, slagging him within earshot of her DGC as over reaction/ her resentment for him building up over the years.

But I wasn’t there. Neither was anyone here.

her resentment for him building up over the years.

Where before she was friendly with him. Hmmmnnnn.... odd that, you'd nearly think something happened that upset her badly.

OP your attitude is why women don't report abuse. And children. No-one was there - NO-ONE IS EVER THERE THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENS. He seems nice. OF COURSE HE DOES THAT'S WHAT THEY DO IN PUBLIC.
Time someone actually listened to MIL.

Well obviously I’ve not told you everything that’s happened over the 18 years I’ve known her - there have been issues since they divorced causing resentment. It was not an amicable divorce.

He was slagged off to us long before this happened. But they made up quickly and all was forgotten til next time. This time is obviously quite different.

We include her in most of our days out etc as we know she’s lonely - or she tells us how she never see’s anyone but everyone loves FIL - she doesn’t turn up 99% of the time. But we keep asking. We’ve never asked FIL to come on a day out with us.

I’VE SAID I BELIEVE HER VERSION!

The whole thing just seems a bit off. It would be unreasonable to think that he tried to rape her if he only did what she said he did. Either there is some context here that we have missed out on that had resulted in an overreaction on her part or they are both not telling the whole story and he actually did something to really frghten/hurt her.

That’s horrific mountains but can you not see the difference? MIL said they were consensually kissing. No violence.

He carried on kissing her. She repeated it - he stopped.

A lot happened with my ex that I'd never tell my DC, who have to have a relationship with him. Just after the birth of my first baby I had what must have been a sort of vaginismus, sex really hurt and I couldn't continue with it. Eventually (even though he wasn't usually that interested in sex) he said "I don't care" and forced himself inside me, even though it was hurting like hell. Would I tell his DDs that? Or would I just say that I don't want to be in the same room as him, and I don't talk to him?

So if he hadn’t assaulted you with his fingers it would be the same as MIL/FIL. Would you have gone to the police to report the kiss as attempted rape?

Ok there’s no point arguing about it - it’s not going to achieve anything. And justify going round in circles.

Of course more could have happened than either party has said. But given all the other sex history we have had, and her always going into more detail than necessary it’s not as likely.

But how are we supposed to process that information, if we’re not aware of it.

I’m going to leave this thread here. Don’t want to upset anyone and I’m confident in our decisions from now on.

You said you weren't there OP? So basically you're telling us that MIL contradicts herself. Easily one of the effects of trauma. One day she'll say one thing because she's feeling angry, the next another because she's feeling ashamed and wants to both minimise it and forget. This is (one reason) why it's so hard to help traumatised people and they need careful professional support. But if she's said he tried to rape her, unless she's either psychotic (not in the real world as we know it) or massively narcissistic (nothing you've said would make me think that) to the degree that she wouldn't actually care if she destroyed other people, it's extremely likely that at least something of what she reports was invasive and abusive behaviour on his part. Meanwhile, by adopting butter-wouldn't-melt-in-his-mouth, no-one can believe dear, mild FIL would ever do anything to hurt anyone. And that alone will drive her further mad, because she's not being believed, listened to, taken seriously etc...

I would also invite both.
But I would have both warned I did not want a drama at my dcs birthday.
And if there was that person would be disinvited from any following party.
Good luck

But I would have both warned I did not want a drama at my dcs birthday.

And you don't need to be Einstein to recognise which party that warning would be aimed at.