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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite both MIL & FIL...

93 replies

SheepGoesMoo · 04/06/2018 09:34

even though I know that means MIL won’t come?

Long back story but MIL & FIL been divorced since DH was small, they got on well until a few years ago after an incident (they give different versions of what happened). Now MIL won’t be in the same room (or garden) as FIL & her contempt for him has grown over the years, he has no issue with her.

This has caused huge upset to MIL as she feels we shouldn’t invite FIL to events as she then won’t attend. Recently there was a big family (DH side) birthday celebration and MIL was not invited as the host didn’t want an atmosphere. Obviously MIL extremely hurt by this.

It’s our DC’s 1st birthday next month and as we both have large families thought a BBQ would be a nice idea to celebrate.

After the fall out from the last family event there’s no way we’ll not invite MIL, so it would be FIL who wouldn’t get invited if any. I love both of them equally, and don’t want to hurt either. For context because of MIL attitude to FIL, there have been a couple of events weve had where DH has invited MIL, but not FIL - but never the other way round.

Feel like it’s rock and hard place situation!

OP posts:
Original poster
SheepGoesMoo · 04/06/2018 13:28

She did not got to the police. She didn’t put it to us as attempted rape.

Before we knew about it she told SIL that she wasn’t speaking to FIL anymore because insert what happened (no rape mentioned) - SIL had said “well he stopped didn’t he” and didn’t discuss it more. Then shit hit the fan when the rape comment to DN got back to SIL. That’s when MIL came round upset.

DH loves his mum an incredible amount, but he admits it’s hard to see past the lifetime of her being the victim. So that will be clouding judgement.

OP posts:
Clubcuts · 04/06/2018 13:35

But DH does not need to choose, as I said he's neither judge nor jury! He doesn't know and both sides need to respect that!

mummyway · 04/06/2018 13:40

As you dont have an issue with either, i would say invite both. Your daughter is grand daughter to them both so it would not be fair to not invite the FIL. ultimately leave the inviting to your partner, they are his parents but it is unreasonable behaviur on the part of your MIL.

they are divorced and share a child and grandchild and will need to accept that they will cross each others paths i guess. its hard i know, but by insisting you not have the FIL your MIL will make your daughter miss out on her grand dad

bonnyshide · 04/06/2018 13:53

It's obvious that you need to invite both, it's up to them if they come or not.

MIL behaviour has been truly shocking, I would be inclined to believe FIL version of events.

I find it a bit strange that the whole family knows about the grandparents sexual exploits (this seems to be MIL talking about it, not FIL)...again shockingly inappropriate.

Original poster
SheepGoesMoo · 04/06/2018 14:16

I agree we shouldn’t know anything about their sex lives. It was only discussed after the fall out (yes by MIL) but nothing was said before this, although DH said he knew they’d been seeing each other on and off throughout their childhood.

I think we’ll just have to invite both to everything - and tell her that’s the way it’s going to acknowledge him, I know she won’t come though.

Thankfully my dc don’t know the extent of the fallout, but it’s only a matter of time before they do.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 04/06/2018 14:26

I think that you should invite both. If they can't be mature enough to be in the same garden for even an hour to celebrate the birthday then that is on them.

jay55 · 04/06/2018 14:41

Men often don’t hear the first no, and ignore reluctant body language. Because she handled things badly doesn’t mean she didn’t experience what she says she did. Especially as she has continued to refused to be in the same place as her ex, missing out on family moments.

Juells · 04/06/2018 15:02

Oh these wicked women, causing family disharmony by not wanting to be in the same room as someone she feels was abusive.

Do you really not see what you're all buying into here? Lovely lovely man, hasn't put a foot wrong, has never said a bad word about her. Horrible woman, shocking behaviour, upsetting people by flouncing, being a drama queen. Hmm

Clubcuts · 04/06/2018 15:20

@Juells , OP doesn't know the truth though does she?

Ginger1982 · 04/06/2018 15:21

Personally, and this is probably not a popular view, I think that if she has chosen not to involve authorities and yet makes a huge drama about it at every opportunity, allude to it and make everyone else feel really uncomfortable so that there can be no all family events then that is her issue. I still say invite both. If she doesn't come it's her loss.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 04/06/2018 15:22

Invite both and leave it up to your MIL - she has a right not to attend if it's difficult for her but that is her decision and she should take responsibility for it

Racecardriver · 04/06/2018 15:28

Well I think you should invite both (unless there is some kind of history of abuse or some other context that you haven't provided). It really seems like your MIL is just stirring up trouble but it begs the question why would anyone do that? Why would she refuse to talk to him, accuse him of trying to rape her etc. If all it was was her telling him to stop and him stopping? Even allowing for some kind of misunderstanding where she told him to stop and he didn't hear/listen the first time. It all seems very odd.

bluebeck · 04/06/2018 15:50

Oh dear - well given your updates I would invite them both and hope that MIL would choose not to come.

Original poster
SheepGoesMoo · 04/06/2018 15:51

Juells do you propose we no longer invite FIL to any family events?

Our judgement may be impaired with MIL’s behaviour over the years - which may not be fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
SheepGoesMoo · 04/06/2018 15:55

The thing is we want her to come. If she would come and ignore him it would be awkward but ok. But she won’t. She wouldn’t cause a dramatic scene either to be fair.

Big family events are rare. Since this happened around 9 years ago there’s maybe been 5 events where both have been invited. Dc birthdays etc we just tell them different times to come over to see them.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 04/06/2018 15:56

So your DC's grandma told a 9 year old that her husband raped her?! I'm so sorry OP that's beyond shocking. Impossible for you to know the truth but hugs that you are in this situation.

Juells · 04/06/2018 15:56

I don't know what I'd do, you're in a very difficult situation, but I'd try to arrange it so they're not there at the same time. Even if she's a drama queen, something happened that upset her greatly, to such an extent that she doesn't want to be in the same room as him. I'd also wonder why she chose to tell a young girl something so serious. Have you thought about that?

Original poster
SheepGoesMoo · 04/06/2018 16:13

Ideally different times I agree. However in the case of weddings or parties, which are the only things they are really invited to together, then different times aren’t really practical.

I agree looking from the outside her behaviour is very dramatic if nothing has happened. Something obviously did that has upset her, we’ll never know what exactly. BUT given she has form for making sure everyone knows it’s the other parties fault, cutting nose off to spite face etc it’s very hard to view it impartially.

She’s always been jealous of how close he is with her DC (especially those who aren’t his biologically). I.e photos of her youngest on Facebook with FIL - I’ve seen “of course another bloody photo” & “surprise surprise same old weekends away”. And verbally “I don’t know why you spend so much time which him and not me, he’s not even your real dad & I’m your real Mum”.

Youngest was born 7 years after they divorced and didn’t have a father in his life so FIL treated him the same as the others and he’s called him Dad since he was 5.

OP posts:
Original poster
SheepGoesMoo · 04/06/2018 16:15

And although I might sound like the worst person in the world, I think she only told that to 9yo DN to get a reaction from SIL, as SIL brushed it off as not a big deal.

OP posts:
IHATEPeppaPig · 04/06/2018 16:21

I can not believe pp's - he tried to rape her, of course she doesn't want to be in the same room/garden.

We don't know the context of her telling the 9 year old but I imagine she was upset/confused when she did - she was probably traumatised.

Op, of course your FIL is okay with her, she is the one been wronged and now continuing to be punished for something he did. Wow.

onalongsabbatical · 04/06/2018 16:35

If it wasn't for Juells, DuchyDuke and IHATEPeppaPig I'd be finding this thread even more disturbing than I am finding it. Does no-one understand how trauma and damage affects people and makes their behaviour very problematic? You can't just assume that FIL is innocent, and if you take the attitude that it's nothing to do with anyone else, well, I just hope no-one else (your children for instance) is ever raped or abused or assaulted in your family, because if everyone turns their backs and says it's not their problem THEY'RE COMPLICIT. I'm really angry on MILs behalf.

Original poster
SheepGoesMoo · 04/06/2018 16:48

Has your DP never got caught up in the moment, and not heard no the first time? Mine has, and stopped when he heard the 2nd time. He did not try to rape me.

Her behaviour was ‘problematic’ long before this, which is probably why her dc feel the way they do.

OP posts:
pigmcpigface · 04/06/2018 17:27

I think this is an incredibly hard issue, and it is not one for the internet to adjudicate.

There ARE false claims made about rape.

There are also many women who experience rape, and who minimise the experience, or who are not believed.

Both are terrible situations. The second is, in my belief, far, far more common than the first and generally this leads me to believe that believing, rather than not believing, is generally the right course of action.

HOWEVER, in a few, very rare cases where a has form for being unreliable and untruthful, AND they have a stake in the narrative that goes beyond the alleged rape, it can be extremely difficult to know whom and what to believe. It is really only those who know the parties concerned who can make up their mind what the right course of action may be, and where the balance of probability lies. I am not sure that it is entirely unreasonable to stay on the fence in such cases; in fact, I am not sure what else it is possible to do. Most of the time, you have to reconcile yourself to the fact that you will never, ever really truly know the truth.

Original poster
SheepGoesMoo · 04/06/2018 17:52

That’s it pig there’s no point in arguing who is right and wrong, we don’t know. Ideally we’d treat FIL & MIL equally although from each of their prospectives, I imagine it looks like we side with the other most of the time.

So much time has passed but it seems to have gotten more difficult, not less.

OP posts:
Greyspots · 04/06/2018 18:11

I'm quite shocked by this thread.

There's no way what happened should have been discussed with a 9 year old but if a woman came on MN saying she felt her ex had attempted to rape her and it had left her feeling she couldn't attend family events we would all be more than sympathetic.

I can understand her not reporting it because of the potential damage it could do and because she would have no proof anyway.

I think the assumption she's making it up is very unfair. Why would she?

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