Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite both MIL & FIL...

93 replies

SheepGoesMoo · 04/06/2018 09:34

even though I know that means MIL won’t come?

Long back story but MIL & FIL been divorced since DH was small, they got on well until a few years ago after an incident (they give different versions of what happened). Now MIL won’t be in the same room (or garden) as FIL & her contempt for him has grown over the years, he has no issue with her.

This has caused huge upset to MIL as she feels we shouldn’t invite FIL to events as she then won’t attend. Recently there was a big family (DH side) birthday celebration and MIL was not invited as the host didn’t want an atmosphere. Obviously MIL extremely hurt by this.

It’s our DC’s 1st birthday next month and as we both have large families thought a BBQ would be a nice idea to celebrate.

After the fall out from the last family event there’s no way we’ll not invite MIL, so it would be FIL who wouldn’t get invited if any. I love both of them equally, and don’t want to hurt either. For context because of MIL attitude to FIL, there have been a couple of events weve had where DH has invited MIL, but not FIL - but never the other way round.

Feel like it’s rock and hard place situation!

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/06/2018 10:05

Invites should be given to both, it is their decision whether or not they choose to accept. Perhaps MIL, could come for the first couple of hours, FIL sounds more amenable.

Original poster
SheepGoesMoo · 04/06/2018 10:06

I think the ‘issue’ is DH feels massive debt to her. She was a single parent to 4 (oldest 2 are FIL’s) and sacrificed everything for them. Also with his other siblings ‘against’ her he feels he needs to compensate.

OP posts:
Juells · 04/06/2018 10:06

I've always heard the 'invite both, if one wants to be childish it's up to her/him'. I don't think that's fair.

Of course your FiL is OK with her - he's the one who's done something upsetting. Whatever he did must have been quite bad for her to not want to be in the same room as him ever again. So...he behaved badly, and she gets to be excluded from all sorts of family things from now on?

She may not be telling the truth about what happened, she may be minimising so as not to upset their children. If the MiL was in her forties and posting here, saying she couldn't bear to be in the same room as an abusive ex, would everyone be telling her to get a grip?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/06/2018 10:08

I think the only compromise with a relaxed event would be to invite FIL from an hour in and suggest MIL can leave early if she wants. I’d do the cake when he’s arrived though.

DuchyDuke · 04/06/2018 10:09

I’m shocked a 9 yo hadn’t been told about rape. I am nearly 40 and even we knew what it was by the time we were approaching 9-10 (major campaign at school; started off as good touch vs bad touch then described rape etc). Is this something new?

DuchyDuke · 04/06/2018 10:10

I agree @juells. OP and her family are minimising the abuse suffered by the MIL.

Nanny0gg · 04/06/2018 10:12

I don't think a lot of posters have read your updates.

I can't believe you all know about their sex lives. I can't believe she told a 9 year-old about attempted rape.

And I can't believe you want her anywhere near your dc!

Juells · 04/06/2018 10:19

The whole family has decided the MiL is 'the bad person', and dear FiL is such a lovely quiet man Hmm

Thank God I'm not that poor woman, I'd be saying fuck the lot of you.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2018 10:19

It’s essentially up to DH though.

NO IT ISN'T.

This is about YOUR child and your child's relationship with their grandparents.

This is about YOUR family. The one YOUR child is growing up with and learning from.

It is a joint decision and if you cannot agree, then you are going to have to invite neither.

Learning curve for your DH here too. It may be his birth family... but he's an adult with his own family now who take precedence every single time. It can't work any other way.

He turns to you first and you make a family decision on what happens at your joint child's first birthday. Anything else is starting off down a very, very wrong road.

Original poster
SheepGoesMoo · 04/06/2018 10:21

Of course we don’t know what really happened. But what if FIL’s version is true and everyone cut him out?

I think her DC think she’s exaggerated it as they know her personality/vindictiveness. Which obviously isn’t fair if she’s told 100% the truth. I don’t think he tried to rape her though, he stopped when shoved (he’s much stronger than her). They were fully clothed at this point.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2018 10:21

Oh and I am listening too on the posts re what may have actually happened with MIL/FIL.

I am well aware that she may absolutely be the injured - very injured party here. I would be interested to hear more OP and what you think about that.

But - my negative towards MIL response is entirely based on the fact that the actiion she chose to take involved telling her 9 year old GD that her grandad tried to rape her.

Just absolutely way beyond acceptable behaviour which would ensure that she never got to have my child alone.

BewareOfDragons · 04/06/2018 10:22

Invite both.

And your DH needs to be straight with her: he has 2 parents, and as their child he is entitled to a relationship with both of them. She needs to grow up and suck it up or understand she is going to miss out on a lof of things in his life and his children's lives.

pinkpepperrose · 04/06/2018 10:23

Regardless of what happened it's irresponsible beyond belief to go into such things with a 9 year old what the hell was she thinking?!

Sockunicorn · 04/06/2018 10:27

@sheepgoesmoo I think, based on the circumstances, I certainly wouldnt be cutting FIL out. Thats unfair. Its giving in to the person who screams loudest and FIL missing out because hes more gentle.

For her to go to a 9 year old and say she was almost raped is disgusting. You dont put that on a child and that tells me all I need to know about her.

I am in a similar parents dont get situation and they havnt spoken a word to one another in over 30 years. However for all childrens events I simply say "if you want to come, come" and invite both. My DM kicks off every time - but thats her problem. Just let them sort it out themselves. She was the one still sleeping with him - not you and not your family.

Handsfull13 · 04/06/2018 10:28

I would invite them both. I'd sit your Mil down and explain that they both are invited and it's her decision whether she comes or not. But this will be how you treat every event for the rest of your lives so she needs to learn to get used to it.

You aren't asking her to make friends or to even speak to him, she's welcome to come and completely ignore his existence. But is she makes a scene she will get limited invitations and involvement.

You can't live yours and your children's lives alternating who gets to come. Do you really want to have to explain to your child why they can have both grandparents to their birthday or why Grandma says should nasty things about Grandad? You need to nip this in the bud now.

Original poster
SheepGoesMoo · 04/06/2018 10:38

I’ll invite both. She generally runs about 3 hours late anyway 🙄

We had a bbq 2 weeks ago and the first thing she asked was ‘will he be there?’ and said she’d leave it he arrived. She doesn’t make a fuss just leaves - but then we get a barrage of messages afterwards.

DC adore both of them.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2018 11:03

Cross posts OP.

Really difficult one.

It's quite clear that from knowing both of them you think she isn't telling the whole truth about what happened between them.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2018 11:04

Sorry cross posts with your earlier post I meant.

Yes, invite both.

Sounds like that kind of works anyway - and it's just the messaging afterwards that is really the problem.

MeMeMeow85 · 04/06/2018 11:07

Invite both. They’re adults and can decide if they attend or not. A bit pathetic of your MIL to expect others to panda to her emotional whims

greengardenchairs · 04/06/2018 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/06/2018 11:53

Apologies OP had not seen your update when i posted.

Bluelady · 04/06/2018 11:58

It really isn't up to OP to believe or disbelieve anyone. Taking the incident - which obviously has two sides - out of the equation, MiL's behaviour is tricky, FiL's is impeccable. What happened etween them is nothing to do with anyone but them.

Invite them both to everything, be totally fair. What they do with that is up to them.

Clubcuts · 04/06/2018 12:11

Did MIL go to the police about the attempted rape? She clearly feels very strongly refusing to share a room and telling a nine year old.

But the correct route is surely to inform police?

Clubcuts · 04/06/2018 12:12

Sorry I'd invite both, you are not judge or jury about whose telling the truth!

Clubcuts · 04/06/2018 12:14

@greengardenchairs I don't think the OP is saying that at all! I think she's saying we don't know who to believe.

If they found the truth was that he did attempt rape, most likely he would not be invited.

If they found the truth was MIL made it up, most likely she'd not be invited.

They don't know so invite both?