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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anybody else ever think this (honestly) ?

89 replies

Smashtheglass18 · 03/06/2018 21:12

I find myself frequently wishing we didn't have one of our DC (we have two). Does anybody else ever think that? It’s not the kind of thing parents ever admit is it? Don’t need 500 MN saying no, never, just interested if anybody DOES? We have so much trouble with one DC (long story and not for here). I really love them both equally but so many otherwise happy family times are ruined because of him and his behaviour. It feels like he’s ruining our lives. We’ve had lots of support with him, and don’t want to go into detail of it all here. Just wondering if I'm abnormal having such thoughts.

OP posts:

HettySunshine · 03/06/2018 21:13

We have a nearly 5 year old and then 2 year old twins. I often think how easy life would be if we had only had one the second time round.

MrsJacksonBrodieTheSecond · 03/06/2018 21:15

I don’t wish I didn’t have dc1 as such. But I’m acutely aware of how much easier and happier my life would be if I didn’t.

CoughLaughFart · 03/06/2018 21:15

You can’t tell people not to say ‘No’. You asked on a public forum.

mummymeister · 03/06/2018 21:15

I don't think you are abnormal. but I do think this is an incredibly sad post tbh. do you think he knows this because of the way you are towards him and this just feeds his bad behaviour? are you talking about a child (as in under 16) or your child who is an adult?

BlueTrousers · 03/06/2018 21:15

Yes, we have 4 DC
We had 2 within 2 years, then a 4 year gap, then another 2 in 2 years
I offen fantasise about how much easier life would’ve been if we’d have only had the first 2

Floottoot · 03/06/2018 21:17

I had exactly this thought about DD last week, for similar reasons to you (DD is 14 and has ADHD, and every day is a struggle at the moment).
Would I be without her now? Of course not BUT I wish she didnt have the issues she does, and on really bad days, I do find myself imagining what life would be like it we'd only had DS, or if we'd had 2 NT children.

postcardsfrom · 03/06/2018 21:18

No, absolutely not and if you don’t want anyone say that then you need to reword the question in the first place - i hope that you come through this time and that you’ll look at your difficult child in a new light with a new appreciation for him/her as thenutterly unique human being they are.

pallisers · 03/06/2018 21:19

I wouldn't be without one of mine but there is no doubt that child has changed our lives and the dynamic of our family - some ways good but a lot of it very challenging. I do sometimes wonder what my life would be like without them (as in never had them - not them gone now)

I met with friends this afternoon who have one beloved child who is giving them a very very hard time at the moment. They were saying that sometimes they wonder how bad would it be not to have children.

These are normal things to think when you have a really difficult child or a child having a really difficult time. I wish it wasn't so taboo to say it.

pallisers · 03/06/2018 21:20

you’ll look at your difficult child in a new light with a new appreciation for him/her as thenutterly unique human being they are.

you do know that every single parent with a very difficult child sees them as an utterly unique human being - one they are changing and disrupting their lives to help and support and love.

That wasn't what the OP asked.

Hideandgo · 03/06/2018 21:21

Cough, huh? Of course she can request the people who don’t feel like this don’t post. Public forum or not. And of course people can be jerks and decide to post anyway.

OP, similarly but different, I want and love all my kids but wish it wasn’t so hard having them and being a mum.

Urubu · 03/06/2018 21:21

HettySunshine Exact same situation. Yes I often think it would have been much nicer with just one of the twins... Obviously wouldn't change anything, but still...

Ohmydayslove · 03/06/2018 21:23

We have 6 kids and I have never felt like this about one child but with the grandchildren now coming and helping out with child care etc and elderly parents now needing care it can be overwhelming with no let up in sight.

However my kids have no SN and I am in awe of guys on here who daily struggle with their kids needs. I think it’s only human to feel like that op.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 03/06/2018 21:23

No, but I wish all my DC were healthy.

LordNibbler · 03/06/2018 21:23

I totally absolutely know how you feel. My son was 'challenging' right from get go. His behaviour became more and more appalling. He spoiled days out, destroyed lots of special items full of memories, his moods cast a dark shadow over many family times. It was impossible to punish him as he didn't care how many of his things we removed. I always loved him, but quite often wondered why he was the way he was. And think 'why me?'. It like he was born angry and continued this until he reached about 18. He's 30 now and the most delightful young man and father. He makes me laugh sometimes when he says 'mum, thank God the baby is calm like his mum'. I've asked him why he was so angry and destructive all those years ago and he has no idea. But please keep the faith, it can all come good.

haba · 03/06/2018 21:24

I have two with asd, and how I wish they did not, and how I dream of how life would be if we had one only... but I could not choose one to be without. They are amazing people, even if they're taking me to an early grave; it's a privilege to be their mother.

It's not hyperbole when I speak of dying early, btw, I have a heart condition that is exacerbated by the exhaustion that comes with two children with asd.

Whisky2014 · 03/06/2018 21:24

This is why I'm in 2 minds whether to even have kids. Of course folk won't really want to admit it but i think people regret it more than is thought of.
Can I be arsed with being so tired, having a person dependant on me, less free money, restricting. Hmmm

Boulshired · 03/06/2018 21:25

Mine is that it is not only my life but that of my DCs. DS2 is violent daily, needs constant supervision and needs very little sleep. Whilst I love him dearly I cannot help but wonder what our lives would have been like but mainly without his disabilities than without him.

ProfessionalBarren · 03/06/2018 21:26

There's a thread about this in mumsnet classics - it's an eye opener. Sorry things are difficult.

namastethefuckawayfrommenow · 03/06/2018 21:27

Fuck yes

haba · 03/06/2018 21:27

Sorry, posted too soon! what I meant to say was 'yes, before we knew what was going on with dc1", yes, we were tested to destruction. Once we "got" what the issue was, then it meant we could begin to meet their needs and have a slightly less-tough life.

I hope you find the answers you're seeking

Bellabutterfly2016 · 03/06/2018 21:34

I've got one dd age 3 who's a handful
I'm pregnant again and worried about how that'll change things;

I'm on my own with dd a lot because my partner works away & long hours and I'm frightened a new baby will spoil our relationship together and she'll feel pushed out.

I know plenty of kids have to embrace a new baby but it doesn't stop me worrying!!!!!

veggifriedbreakfast · 03/06/2018 21:35

Gosh I know I do and I only have 1, my whole life has changed and in the evenings he can be a rude little toad, sometimes I wonder where I'd be if I didn't have him, how much easier it would be, but then, I love him

CoughLaughFart · 03/06/2018 21:38

Cough, huh? Of course she can request the people who don’t feel like this don’t post.

Well actually no, she can’t. The forum is called AIBU - not ‘AIBU but please don’t tell me if you disagree with me’.

FranticallyPeaceful · 03/06/2018 21:38

Well life would obviously be easier without kids, but i would hate it

@Bellabutterfly2016 weirdly enough the jump from 1 to 2 kids is always the one people fear the most, yet it’s the easiest! Most people find two kids are easier than one.. and it’s generally very true. I honestly wouldn’t worry

Talulahbeige · 03/06/2018 21:42

I’m with you, I often feel terrible for feeling how I do.

I had a horrific pregnancy for various medical reasons, a traumatic birth due to faulty induction equipment and an understaffed maternity ward which ended in an emergency cs under anaesthetic and I’m still on anti depressants from one.
I’ve never bonded with my child. I don’t think I could live without my child but I don’t want to live with them either.
Im driven insane on a daily basis.
I care because I have that responsibility, they didn’t ask to be born.
They don’t know the difference btw ( early years) and I’m a good actress.

Sad yes, makes me sad all the time. Nobody seems to be able to help tho

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