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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anybody else ever think this (honestly) ?

89 replies

Smashtheglass18 · 03/06/2018 21:12

I find myself frequently wishing we didn't have one of our DC (we have two). Does anybody else ever think that? It’s not the kind of thing parents ever admit is it? Don’t need 500 MN saying no, never, just interested if anybody DOES? We have so much trouble with one DC (long story and not for here). I really love them both equally but so many otherwise happy family times are ruined because of him and his behaviour. It feels like he’s ruining our lives. We’ve had lots of support with him, and don’t want to go into detail of it all here. Just wondering if I'm abnormal having such thoughts.

OP posts:

sweetkitty · 03/06/2018 21:42

I have four and there are fleeting moments when I think what would our lives be like if we had stopped at two? I think that’s only human nature the what ifs but then I get sad because that would mean DD3 and DS wouldn’t be here and then I get sad thinking that it’s kind of yes and no

ByeMF · 03/06/2018 21:43

I have one child with very unique problems which has been a very steep learning curve. It also meant giving up work as they need so much of my time. Their behaviour can be difficult and it can be exhausting. But even when i've almost been broken by it i'd never want to not have them. Their behaviour isn't a choice, it's a reaction to a world they can't cope with.
Have you considered counselling? It's bloody marvellous.

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 03/06/2018 21:44

How old is DC?

CigarsofthePharoahs · 03/06/2018 21:46

I had a period where I sincerely regretted having DC2.
He didn't sleep, he was a total Velcro child and I felt like he totally destroyed the bond I had with dc1.
A lot of it was sleep deprivation. Everything feels worse when you haven't slept properly in a long time. Some of it was my depression, no doubt made worse by the lack of sleep.
Having said that, dc2 was a very difficult child. He really did not like it if he didn't have 100% my attention and would throw the most epic screaming tantrums. He exhausted me to the point I thought I would snap and I would sometimes put him in his cot and leave the room for a few minutes just for a break from him. He was a late talker, which made things all the more frustrating.
I'm lucky, he has no SN and has changed a lot. He feels like a different child to me now, very cuddly and caring. I also am taking medication to treat my depression.
I do feel guilty about that time. But it was hard, so incredibly hard.

AllStar14 · 03/06/2018 21:47

Yes I feel like this. I have a DD3 and DT1 and I always think about how lovely it was before the DTs came along. I hate myself for thinking this, you've no idea how nice it is to know a lot of others feel the same though.

RafikiIsTheBest · 03/06/2018 21:48

My DF has often said that if he could do his life over he wouldn't have children, he wishes he didn't have children, or only had one child, or had better children etc etc... So I guess some parents not only feel that way but also feel the need to share that information with their children (and yes I was a child the first time he told me this).

But yes, I think it's perfectly normal if you have a more challenging child to sometimes (when their behaviour is more difficult) think I wish you were different/not here. But I don't think it's normal to feel this way most or all of the time. Just an occasional thought when they are being complete little shits or totally unmanageable. We are all only human after all.

Ohmydayslove · 03/06/2018 21:52

I think this needs to be talked about more and acknowledge that it’s ok to feel like this.

Parenting can be is so so hard.

LordNibbler

What a really strange thing with your ds? If only he could explain what was the issue. How fascinating that he’s a different man now and a dad.

villageshop · 03/06/2018 21:53

Yes. It's perfectly normal to feel like this at times, especially if you have a child who presents with challenging behaviour.

Some children are easy, some are not. We love them equally and do our best but they are their own unique selves and some are more easy going than others.

It's easy for parents who have a compliant child to judge parents whose children are not, but that doesn't make them right.

I hope things get easier for you soon and you have support through the difficult times.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/06/2018 21:54

I'm tired. So so tired it's taking over my life. I have a 3 year old and am off on maternity leave with a 6 month old who wakes every hour in the night and screams every nap time. I'm finding it so hard to cope with the eldest as I have no patience and catching up on sleep wins over spending time with her. I keep thinking of all the nice things we'd be doing if I wasn't sleep deprived or tied to a baby who will only breastfeed. She does love her little sister but I don't know if that makes it worth it. Hoping I'll feel better about things if / when she sleeps a bit better

thegreatbeyond · 03/06/2018 21:54

My eldest was incredibly stressful and still is - I can't say I enjoyed it much. My next two, I was wondering how they were so well-behaved.

megletthesecond · 03/06/2018 21:54

No.
But I wish I didn't have to work and had more family support so I could support my challenging DC2 better.

NoNamesLeft86 · 03/06/2018 21:55

I don't wish we didn't have a certain child. However I have 4 and 3 of them have Special needs. Close age gap so we're blissfully unaware of their difficulties at the time we made the decision to have more. And if I had known then I definitely wouldn't have had all 4.

This weekend I've been without the one with the most severe SEN. It's been eye opening and a glimpse into what normal family life can be like. But strangely I have the strongest bond with her. I wouldn't say she is my favourite but the bond is definitely deeper. I think possibly due to her not having bonds with others - can't play with other children or communicate with others well. So I'm the only person who connects with her properly.

I do feel I would have been a MUCH better parent if I had stuck to 2. And I would have been able to offer them much more life experiences like going abroad. But then they do gain too out of having SEN siblings.

I don't know. I guess I have mixed feelings about it and then guilt from having those feelings.

missmouse101 · 03/06/2018 21:55

I only ever wanted one. Husband got his wish for two. It would have been so much better with one.

UterusUterusGhali · 03/06/2018 21:55

Yes. I have one who is very challenging and as pp said the whole family is now ruled by their behaviour. Days out just aren't fun. Everything is a constant struggle. I love them dearly, I really do, but if I'm ever out with just the others it's so relaxed.
The child in question is so loving but so very, very intense.

starryeyed19 · 03/06/2018 21:58

Nope, you are not alone. I often think about what life would be like with one. Or none.

Cindie943811A · 03/06/2018 21:58

This is what I think of when people post about having another baby —- they feellll they need another one but wonder if they can manage or maybe partner not keen, or finances tight. My reaction Is always — if everything is good now don’t tempt fate. If the next child has special needs/difficult behaviour etc it will affect not only your ability to cope but your family’s happiness.
I deeply regret I was unable and to have another child but now I’m older I am just thankful my DC was/is such a dream.
Good luck to all those brave and resourceful mother’s who are bringing up much loved but exhaustingly difficult children

DixieFlatline · 03/06/2018 21:58

Cough, huh? Of course she can request the people who don’t feel like this don’t post.

Well actually no, she can’t. The forum is called AIBU - not ‘AIBU but please don’t tell me if you disagree with me’.

Funny, because it seems to be exactly what she did. No-one said she can expect no-one to come along and ignore the request, but make the request she certainly can.

DrAdmin · 03/06/2018 22:00

Yep!

SendintheArdwolves · 03/06/2018 22:04

I have never wanted children, and all my life people have told me I ought to have them, everything falls into place when they're here, no one ever regrets having kids, etc. Sometimes I feel panicky about my decision, and like I'm taking a risk not having kids and should just have them despite it feeling wrong for me.

Thank you all for your honesty - I know it is a huge taboo, but I really, really appreciate it.

MumofBoysx2 · 03/06/2018 22:07

Hope he never reads this. And no, never have felt like that.

user1461609321 · 03/06/2018 22:07

Bump

VladmirsPoutine · 03/06/2018 22:08

It's a lot more common than is socially acceptable to admit.

sausagerollsontheside · 03/06/2018 22:08

Yes our child is suuuch a brat at times and reduces us to tears

Emily7708 · 03/06/2018 22:10

One of mine is severely disabled with brain damage and many health issues. I love him dearly but he requires 24/7 care and has destroyed our happy family life, social life, my health, my career, my sanity. My marriage will probably be the next casualty. As I said, I do love him, but life would be infinitely better and easier if he wasn’t here.

chocolateworshipper · 03/06/2018 22:10

If I could go back in time, and able to take with me the knowledge of what I would go through with DD, I absolutely wouldn't have had her. There are extreme circumstances that make me feel that way.

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