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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anybody else ever think this (honestly) ?

89 replies

Smashtheglass18 · 03/06/2018 21:12

I find myself frequently wishing we didn't have one of our DC (we have two). Does anybody else ever think that? It’s not the kind of thing parents ever admit is it? Don’t need 500 MN saying no, never, just interested if anybody DOES? We have so much trouble with one DC (long story and not for here). I really love them both equally but so many otherwise happy family times are ruined because of him and his behaviour. It feels like he’s ruining our lives. We’ve had lots of support with him, and don’t want to go into detail of it all here. Just wondering if I'm abnormal having such thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smashtheglass18 · 03/06/2018 22:47

Mumofboys - why would my DC ever read this?? Thats why I'm posting it on a password protected anonymous website (on a PC he does not have access to) not chatting to my friends about it in front of him. Yes I know MOST parents don't feel like this but thanks for confirming you're one of them - bully for you.

OP posts:
WaitingForSunday17 · 03/06/2018 22:47

Yes. In another life I wouldn’t have any children at all. They are my greatest love and simultaneously my greatest regret.
My second one has a long term health condition and for her sake I often wish I had not had her - even though of the two she is actually much more of a joy than her brother who has high functioning autism alongside dyspraxia. He is much harder work of the two but my daughter is probably going to have a really tough life and on that basis I wish I hadn’t had her.

But if I could wind back the clock knowing what I know now I would not have had any children at all.

caringcarer · 03/06/2018 22:48

My eldest son had ADHD and when he was about 10 and at his very worst he had to go to specialist about medication review and I was telling specialist how he cut his bed sheets on a regular basis and along with everything else I was struggling to cope with the cutting everything. The specialist said "My earlier appointment was upset because her ds cut himself". He also said he would grow out of it and I did not really believe him. Hearing about the child that cut himself put everything into perspective for me. Even though my ds was a very difficult child to bring up I have never even when he was at his very worst behaviour, wished I did not have him. He is grown up now and bad behaviours have gone and he is such a lovely son, so specialist was right and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/06/2018 22:50

I just wanted to say that I hear you, and it's OK to feel like that.

I had a second baby in my 40's under huge pressure from my husband. Eldest child was a teen and I was looking forward to more freedom etc. DS was born and was subsequently diagnosed with autism. My husband had an affair and left when he was two. So, in my very late 40's, I am a single parent in the truest sense. Ex has barely any contact with DS. He's now 7 years old and my eldest is about to leave home. Of course I wonder how different things would be. However, I can say without any shadow of a doubt that I love every bone of my quirky little man and he brings me as much joy as he does stress. I do, however, resent being in this position in mid life. If I had had an inkling of what was going to happen to me and the trauma it would bring, then there is now way I would have had a second child.

Tunnocks34 · 03/06/2018 22:51

Not now, but, when I first had my ds1, I was young, too young really. I was 24, but not mature enough.

I often used to think about what I could have done if I hadn’t had him so young.

Even now, although I don’t wish I’d never had my boys, I wish I’d waited until I was 27/28 go have ds1, and then 30/31 to have ds2.

I feel I missed out on a lot of things I wanted to do, and will probably never get to now.

That said , I know how incredibly lucky I am to have two gorgeous, healthy, happy boys in my life and I wouldn’t change having them.

Original poster
Smashtheglass18 · 03/06/2018 22:53

Sorry to hear about the difficult DC many of you have too and your daily struggles. Lots of amazing parents out there trying their best and loving hard through the tears and anger. Good to hear that some of them get better later on. Mine is 10 so fingers crossed its not another 8 years of the same to come.

OP posts:
boilerhouse2007 · 03/06/2018 23:09

My mum used to say to me ''you cause all the unhappiness in the house'' as she said I was troublesome one as a child and I still remember it.

Wdigin2this · 03/06/2018 23:18

I'm assuming, (correct me if I wrong) that the DC you wish you didn't have, has some behaviour disorder. If so I can quite understand how challenging like must be, but he's your child, and assuming he's not going anywhere else to live, you have to make the best of it....not easy I know! Flowers

Boulshired · 03/06/2018 23:21

I don’t know how if you have a child with behavioural needs how you stop dreaming of the could have been. The little things for me such as a BBQ, board games, family film nights, sitting in a park or at the beach. Basically family life that is not ours.

Oddcat · 03/06/2018 23:24

If only I could turn the clock back ...

Fatted · 03/06/2018 23:25

Frankly, I felt like this every single day for the first few months of my eldest's life. I had PND and was really not in a good place with a very difficult baby. That being said, I would never want be without him.

If you are struggling, perhaps you could speak with your GP. It does sound like you could be depressed.

JuicySwan · 03/06/2018 23:25

Yep. Frequently. My 14yo is a nightmare.

Uglykidflo · 03/06/2018 23:37

We adopted my DS as we were told we had a less than 10% chance of conceiving through IVF. He is autistic and has severe attachment issues and is very very angry with the world and me in particular. He physically and mentally hurts me on a regular basis. Me and DH quite often play the "where would we be now" game, usually on a beach in an exotic location. Or I dream about continuing my former career and earning stacks more money than I do now in the dull job that I can fit in round school hours that stops me from going mad. However, I know that I would have always regretted not adopting and we would both have looked wistfully at the happy families we saw playing on the beaches. I don't regret our decision to adopt and I love our boy to distraction but I wish I could make his life less difficult and help him to be happy, I don't think I can though. And I also know that money doesn't matter, but it does help to buy nice shoes.

pallisers · 03/06/2018 23:42

No-one said she can expect no-one to come along and ignore the request, but make the request she certainly can.

Is anyone this thick?

Is anyone this insensitive?

Does posting in AIBU really mean that posters are free to ignore the context of the post and give it their best blast of unpleasantness?

OP one of the best bits of advice I have is to stop thinking about the child you thought you would have and accept the child you do have. Doesn't make it easier sometimes - but it might.

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