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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anybody else ever think this (honestly) ?

89 replies

Smashtheglass18 · 03/06/2018 21:12

I find myself frequently wishing we didn't have one of our DC (we have two). Does anybody else ever think that? It’s not the kind of thing parents ever admit is it? Don’t need 500 MN saying no, never, just interested if anybody DOES? We have so much trouble with one DC (long story and not for here). I really love them both equally but so many otherwise happy family times are ruined because of him and his behaviour. It feels like he’s ruining our lives. We’ve had lots of support with him, and don’t want to go into detail of it all here. Just wondering if I'm abnormal having such thoughts.

OP posts:

DarkDarkNight · 03/06/2018 22:10

I only have the one but he is very challenging - explosive, sensitive, persistent -basically hard work, he has never been the easygoing sort. He can ruin the day with his moods, sometimes I just know in the morning it is going to be a bad day. He can’t explain what is wrong and his meltdowns can seem never ending.

I don’t wish I didn’t have him, but sometimes I long for a less complicated child. I wouldn’t want to lose the positive traits though. He is funny and adores making people laugh, he is so engaging and wise beyond his years.

I have split from his father but I know if we were still together I would not feel able to cope with a second child yet. The first is too all consuming.

Xuli · 03/06/2018 22:11

God yes, I thought this only today. There's a pretty big gap, 6 and 18m. I had a moment and imagining how easy my long, solo parenting weekend would have been with just the eldest. Cinema. Swimming. Baking.

ILoveMyDressingGown · 03/06/2018 22:11

Yes, occasionally. I have two children. There's nothing wrong with either of them and I love them both with all my heart though I do sometimes catch myself thinking that I wish we'd stopped at one, for no other reason than it being so much more expensive with two. Then I feel horribly guilty for essentially wishing my youngest child away and purposefully think of all the reasons why two are great.

ipswichwitch · 03/06/2018 22:12

I do sometimes wonder what life would have been like had DS1’s twin survived. We wouldn’t have had DS2, who has extremely challenging behaviour and is undergoing assessment for Asd/adhd. I certainly don’t wish that we hadn’t had DS2. He’s amazing and funny and so loving. I do wish he didn’t have his behavioural difficulties though. It makes life hard, particularly for his brother who doesn’t understand why he is so aggressive, violent and unable to cope with the world around him at times. I wonder what DS1’s relationship would have been with his twin and of it would have been an easier one. I feel guilty that I’m looking forward to a day of just me and DS1 tomorrow. He’s such a good kid, and compromises so much because of his brothers difficulties .

OohMavis · 03/06/2018 22:13

Yes! But then I quickly imagine a world without her and decide it's better with her in it

She's number three, so for me it's usually internal whining about how utterly tired I am or the logistics of leaving the house or whatever that leads me to this thought of, 'what if we never...'.

Although she is the naughtiest

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 03/06/2018 22:14

I am into double figures and sometimes wonder what the fuck I was thinking. ...
Wouldn't change my life really though!!

QueenOfMyWorld · 03/06/2018 22:15

I've chosen to have 1 child in case I ever had similar regrets

holyguaca · 03/06/2018 22:16

no, I can't say I have felt like this personally...

However, I have some experience of this within my family & it's quite complex.
The 1st child was really challenging from very young & was 'passed' around the family a lot, mum was depressed & quite 'harsh' in her approach, the 2nd child was quieter & mum was in a better place emotionally. The attachment was better for the 2nd child & seemed happier & not challenging at all. The 1st child did eventually go to live with her grandmother, as the attachment was there, it has left some anxiety in said child, now an adolescent. (settled & much happier, not challenging other than some usual teenage stuff)
We as a family think that this was the best outcome..

SmackFox · 03/06/2018 22:16

Yes I do feel like this sometimes.

I talked it through with a therapist I was seeing, as I felt so bad for having these thoughts, and she said she hears it from parents more often than you would think. People just don't admit it in real life.

daffodillament · 03/06/2018 22:17

Certainly not abnormal. Glad you are receiving some support though. I would be interested in hearing a little more about the situation ?

FizzyGreenWater · 03/06/2018 22:20

No, I don't feel like this.

BUT I have been extremely lucky to have children with no additional needs, physical disablilites or partiucalrly challenging behaviours.

very very lucky.

You're not abnormal.

You have a particularly challenging situation, not everyday fluffy lovely walks in the park parenting.

Others who have similar are saying the same thing as you.

It's not easy

PolkaHots · 03/06/2018 22:22

Hope he never reads this

What a daft comment @MumofBoysx2 , of course he’s not going to read it. Presumably you were just trying to make the OP feel bad by getting her to imagine him reading it? How unpleasant.

tootiredtospeak · 03/06/2018 22:24

I have 3 kids 1 autistic DS 2 NT kids a DS and DD. I always think that when your gridlocked in the day to day drudgery of parenthood you just want a bit of time away from them, time to yourself like it was before you had them. Then if you get it it feels like someone cut you right arm off and you are missing an essential peice of you. Thats what they are all of them, to me anyway.

stopstalkingmee · 03/06/2018 22:26

Not so much not wishing I'd had him. But I often wonder what life would be like if DA didn't have severe autism.

We are so limited In what we can do and where we can go, and sometimes I feel it's so unfair on my other NT children.

DS and DD2 have a close gap, had I have known his needs back then I wouldn't have had a 3rd, as he needs so much of my time and energy and mental health

CoughLaughFart · 03/06/2018 22:27

No-one said she can expect no-one to come along and ignore the request, but make the request she certainly can.

Is anyone this thick?

bigKiteFlying · 03/06/2018 22:31

BUT I have been extremely lucky to have children with no additional needs, physical disablilites or partiucalrly challenging behaviours.

Same here so I haven't felt this.

I am pleased we stopped at three children not had extra one we thought about.

However, when our children were all very young we had a lot go wrong for us and we were under a lot of unexpected stress and very sleep deprived and I did feel bitter about lack of family support or any wider support it was all on me and DH - though do feel lucky we stayed together.

JustCallMeJones · 03/06/2018 22:31

I only have one child and that in itself often brings pangs of guilt. Have had extremely challenging times, often when parents have more than one and other dc are well behaved it must be a relief to think it’s just the way they are.

When you have one dc you can’t compare so you do question yourself, is it down to us as parents.

I often wonder what it must be like to have a less challenging dc, I don’t regret a thing though, Ds is a joy most of the time, he has a heart of gold underneath the drama.

IlikemyTeahot · 03/06/2018 22:33

Yes and no, more so wishing they didn't have the conditions they do and how some things they do really affect one another. My eldest two can be mentally draining and I have a lot physical outburst from one and emotional from the other Its hard work and sometimes i wish i was on another planet! l do have days where ive had those thoughts but thats just when ive hit my limit. I would never ever let them know i felt that way. With the onset of puberty (both Dc's 1&2 at the same time) everything seems to be escalating much more so than before.
Thankfully(?) the youngest seems oblivious to it all at the moment.

LordNibbler your post has given me hope!
I always have terrible worries about the future especially with a certain one of mine. Its nice to hear there are some who grow out of it all.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 03/06/2018 22:34

I think Motherhood isn't always the dream we're expecting. It can be draining, relentless, thankless and if you have a child with complex needs, it's a million times worse. The moments of joy are rare amongst the drudge. I can't imagine not being a mother and now grandmother, but there are times I've imagined how different things could have been.

Thinking this just makes us human though, not monsters

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 03/06/2018 22:35

I wish we had stopped at 1 DC, I know DC would agree. There is SN though for her sibling and it is Hard work all the time.

CelticPromise · 03/06/2018 22:39

Talulah
Maybe you have already tried but I wonder if the Birth Trauma Association could help you.

CelticPromise · 03/06/2018 22:39

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk

AnxiousPeg · 03/06/2018 22:41

CoughLaughFart

Is anyone this thick?

Well, yes - you, apparently.

sparklefluff · 03/06/2018 22:43

I don't think I feel that it would be better without him, but I do frequently wish I could change him. That's probably semantics I guess.

My youngest was born pissed off with the world, 3 years in and he's still majorly pissed off with life.

calzone · 03/06/2018 22:45

I think I regret having children at all.

But you cannot say it in real life and you can’t explain it to people who don’t have children and if I hadn’t had children I would have regretted it.

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