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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding abroad - AIBU?

98 replies

Slipp3rs · 03/06/2018 18:21

DH’s sister is getting married on a Greek island. It’s £850.00 per person for bed and breakfast.

AIBU not to go. We are a family of 6 all under 6 years and we’ve got a newborn.

We’ve said we can’t afford it and don’t want to take a newborn abroad.

Also the hotel is a wedding hotel and not child friendly at all.

We’ve worked out paying for 5 (newborn is free) works out at £4250. Plus approx £150-200 a day for drinks, lunch and dinner. Approx £1050 - £1400.

Plus airport parking - £70
Food and drink at airports - £30
Insurance - £30

Total Approx - £5430 - £5780 depending on food and drinks bought.

For my DH to go on his own is around £1000 for flights, accommodation and parking etc flying the day before, being there for the wedding day and then flying home the following morning. Leaving me at home with a 6,4,1 and 8 week old.

OP posts:

DevilsDoorbell · 03/06/2018 18:24

Yanbu at all. If a couple want a destination wedding that’s great, but they then must accept that not everyone can go.

Explain to them in person (not by text) that you’re really looking forward to hearing all about it but unfortunately you’re unable to go.

APMom · 03/06/2018 18:28

Definitely don’t go, similar happened in our family and we didn’t go as we had a newborn and kids would have been back in school. The whole family was annoyed with us and the marriage lasted only 6 months. I was so glad we hadn’t gone into debt to go.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 03/06/2018 18:29

YANBU. People who have destination weddings should realise not everyone will be able to afford it, or have other perfectly valid reasons not to go abroad. (eg. Newborn). Can DH find anywhere cheaper to stay nearby?

MissionItsPossible · 03/06/2018 18:33

Don’t go. It sounds like a very expensive hassle.

FASH84 · 03/06/2018 18:36

We had a destination wedding and fully understood some people wouldn't be able to come. We had a big UK reception party when we got back for everyone. If you really want to go I'd it possible to stay elsewhere locally? Our guests has that option and it didn't cost us much per head for those that did (aunt and uncle had planned a cruise and were able to change dates to be with us for two days)

theymademejoin · 03/06/2018 18:36

For that sort of money, my dh wouldn't be going either, quite aside from the fact that it is unreasonable to leave you on your own with a barely born baby and 3 other small children.

Dh's brother got married abroad. Dh was the only sibling not to go as we had a small baby and he didn't want to leave me on my own with him for what would have been at least a week. There was no problem or upset over us not being there.

hidinginthenightgarden · 03/06/2018 18:37

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't even want DH to go if it meant me at home with 4 kids.

Dancingmonkey87 · 03/06/2018 18:38

It’s part and parcel of choosing to have a wedding abroad that everyone’s not going to come.

RoseanneBarred · 03/06/2018 18:38

I actually think your DH should go - it's his sister and it's only for a couple of days.

badg3r · 03/06/2018 18:38

You might not even have a passport for the baby by then. If they are two weeks late, then you register birth a week later, that only leaves you three weeks to get the passport sorted. So unless you are going to traipse down to Victoria for a fast track appointment I would say it's a real risk the baby won't have the documentation to fly.
YANBU.

Andrewofgg · 03/06/2018 18:39

DW and I had our holiday hijacked like this some years ago so that a wedding could cost the bride’s parents less (and to be fair be in a better climate) and we agreed that if they pulled the same prank when her sister got married we wouldn’t go.

ellaV · 03/06/2018 18:40

Not unreasonable at all. I'm sure they will understand.
That's a LOT of money for a young family to spend on going to a wedding!

AuditAngel · 03/06/2018 18:46

We had a destination wedding, in pointed everyone, but we're happy that the only guests were the two sets of parents.

Horsedogbird · 03/06/2018 20:38

YANBU. I'd stay home but would obviously understand husband going as it's his sister.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 03/06/2018 20:44

YANBU. Couples planning weddings should think about the key people they would really like to be able to attend (parents, siblings etc) and plan the venue and day accordingly. It is completely unrealistic to expect you to be able to go at that cost/distance. They of course may realise this and have invited you so you don’t feel left out, but knowing you are unlikely to be able to attend.

Persiangirl · 03/06/2018 20:45

Wouldn't even remotely consider going nor feel guilty about it. My husband and I have just 2 kids, 1 of which is mega feral 😝 and not quite 2 until July and the thought fills me with dread. We recently declined a free holiday which would have entailed a 4.5 hour flight, turned out there was a 20 hour delay and it was a complete nightmare, so relieved we didn't go!!!
Don't feel bad. X

MadMags · 03/06/2018 20:46

My sister pulled the same thing with Cyprus. It would have cost us around €5k for one week, not including spending money (because of when/where she was having it).

I refused to spend that sort of money.

The reception here never materialised.

And they broke up about 5 minutes later!

chocolateworshipper · 03/06/2018 20:54

If your DH wants to go, you can afford it, and you have some friends/family who you trust and could help you out, then it would be fine for him to go. All of you - no way.

underneaththeash · 03/06/2018 21:20

I think all of you going would be mad..however, I think your DH should go and support his sister. DH went to a wedding in Singapore when we had three very small children.

Original poster

Slipp3rs · 03/06/2018 21:29

Thank you for all the replies.

To those who have suggested DH goes.

I don’t have a problem with him going but we don’t have £1000 to pay for him to go for 2 days. And if we put it on a credit card we would have to pay it off so kids would have to go without. Looked into cheaper options and the flight is £500 on its own.

OP posts:

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 03/06/2018 21:42

It's fine for you not to attend but your DH should for his sister unless he isn't close to her or doesn't want to.

To be fair, the costs are a drop in the ocean compared to what six children cost a year.

PartyAnxiety · 03/06/2018 21:45

That would be paying for £6000 of hell as far as I was concerned (four kids including a newborn in a wedding hotel and a flight at either end!)! DH going alone sounds like a great compromise. Maybe you can have a mini celebration when everyone's back.

FeralBeryl · 03/06/2018 21:45

Nope - nip this in the bud ASAP!
Older children aside, you will have a displaced 1 year old and a new baby to deal with. One which may be colicky etc. Your DH needs to speak to her in person and explain that obviously he would love to come, but it's just not viable. Tell him to ask if it's being recorded, to feign show interest in whether they are planning a celebration here afterwards etc. If not, suggest that you'd both love to take them both for a celebratory meal once they return.
I speak as someone who had a destination wedding too.
No one should feel obliged to spend that amount of money or time for anyone at such an important time in their own family's life.

MadMags · 03/06/2018 21:48

To be fair, the costs are a drop in the ocean compared to what six children cost a year.

Nothing to do with me but what??

So because 6 kids can be expensive, OP should be able to afford to spend £6k on a holiday??

KirstenRaymonde · 03/06/2018 21:49

Nope, none of you go, you can’t afford it and they have to understand that having this kind of wedding excludes a lot of people you would otherwise want. I think it’s a way for the couple of save money on a big wedding by passing the cost on to everyone else.

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