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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding abroad - AIBU?

98 replies

Slipp3rs · 03/06/2018 18:21

DH’s sister is getting married on a Greek island. It’s £850.00 per person for bed and breakfast.

AIBU not to go. We are a family of 6 all under 6 years and we’ve got a newborn.

We’ve said we can’t afford it and don’t want to take a newborn abroad.

Also the hotel is a wedding hotel and not child friendly at all.

We’ve worked out paying for 5 (newborn is free) works out at £4250. Plus approx £150-200 a day for drinks, lunch and dinner. Approx £1050 - £1400.

Plus airport parking - £70
Food and drink at airports - £30
Insurance - £30

Total Approx - £5430 - £5780 depending on food and drinks bought.

For my DH to go on his own is around £1000 for flights, accommodation and parking etc flying the day before, being there for the wedding day and then flying home the following morning. Leaving me at home with a 6,4,1 and 8 week old.

OP posts:

BewareOfDragons · 03/06/2018 23:05

I don't think any of you should be attending: £5k for all of you, and £1k for just your DH. Even if it is his sister, no one but NO ONE should be going into debt for someone else's wedding. If he has to put it on a credit card, he is going into debt ... and the family is going without in other areas to cover it on top of that.

Send your regrets and tell them you can't wait to hear all about it and see the pictures.

CoughLaughFart · 03/06/2018 23:21

How far away (in terms of months) is the wedding? I'd try so hard to save for it if I was your husband tbh. You should only ever have as many kids as you can cope with alone imo.

So you should plan your family based on whether you’ll be able to go to a wedding abroad in years to come?

Four kids would be four too many for me, but I absolutely would not be making that decision based on where I could afford to travel for someone else’s wedding.

UrgentScurryfunge · 03/06/2018 23:25

As a PP has stated the £6000 for the whole family is a decent wedding's worth of money in its own right! It's not worth getting into debt to go to someone elses wedding either. Having such a young family is a sensible reason to not go away unless essential.

Destination weddings are fine if you accept that people can't come for various logistical reasons. It's pretty mean when a close relative is isolated out of attending when the majority of family can attend.

emmyrose2000 · 03/06/2018 23:26

YANBU

I wouldn't even contemplate for one second spending my time and money for someone's destination wedding.

If it's that important to his sister that her brother be there, she can pay for him to attend

CoughLaughFart · 03/06/2018 23:28

Is there honestly no way of getting this cost down? could he sleep on floor of his parents hotel room?

Why would a father of four want to sleep on his parents’ floor?

Eliza9917 · 03/06/2018 23:28

Don't go and just invite them for a celebration meal when they get back if they aren't having a UK party.

3boys3dogshelp · 03/06/2018 23:30

No don’t go.
We were pressurised into going to BILs wedding abroad with two toddlers. It was a nightmare and our credit card bill lasted a lot longer than the marriage.

namechangedtoday15 · 03/06/2018 23:37

I agree that it sounds odd that a flight is £500. Surely you can get a cheaper flight? We're going to a Greek Island in the middle of school hols in August and got 5 flights for £800?!

I agree that your H should go if you can get the costs down, cheaper flight and stay somewhere cheaper.

Timeissliplingaway · 03/06/2018 23:42

No chance I would spend that on someone else's wedding!

CoughLaughFart · 03/06/2018 23:51

I agree that it sounds odd that a flight is £500. Surely you can get a cheaper flight?

Why do some people always assume they know better?

EveningHare · 04/06/2018 00:09

Is there honestly no way of getting this cost down? could he sleep on floor of his parents hotel room?

Why would a father of four want to sleep on his parents’ floor?
Er maybe to save money they don't have so he can attend the wedding

CoughLaughFart · 04/06/2018 00:10

But you make it sound like a treat. It’s ridiculous.

welshmist · 04/06/2018 00:17

OK can you get someone to facetime/skype the ceremony for you. That way you can sit down with a bottle of bubbly and celebrate the occasion in your own way.

Loandbeholdagain · 04/06/2018 00:22

In same scenario (less children, but several and one a newborn) my husband went and I stayed with the kids. He went for 7 days. It was hard work at home as he doesn’t normally travel for work and is hands on as a dad. So I missed his help! It was the right choice for us. He was also able to go for much cheaper options than would have been safe/possible with a newborn and shared a room with another relative which brought the cost down.

altiara · 04/06/2018 00:32

I wouldn’t go and if I was DH I wouldn’t spend 1k on going for such a short time. Yes it’s his sisters wedding but if she wanted him to go, she’s have held it somewhere else, not abroad and not at a child unfriendly venue. And I absolutely wouldn’t go if it got me into debt when I had 4 DCs. I’d prioritise my immediate family.
(I also know I wouldn’t enjoy going by myself and literally flying in and leaving, just sounds painful. My sibling wouldn’t do that to me so I wouldn’t have to make that decision in real life).

TroubledLichen · 04/06/2018 00:45

Absolutely the right call for you and the kids not to go.

It should go without saying you shouldn’t get into debt for this but is there not any way DH can make it cheaper like sharing a room, flying from an alternative airport etc.? If not then I agree he shouldn’t go.

Just wondering if he’s mentioned it to his parents though as I wouldn’t be surprised if they offer to contribute when he says he can’t afford afford it.

Sparklyshoes16 · 04/06/2018 00:51

My friend is going through the exact same as you minus two kids theirs are 18 months and 4yo! They have decided not to go as it's just so much money that they can't afford...even for just her DH to go it's still ridiculous just under £2000 for two days as 4 it would be £4500...the STBSIL is making an issue of it but luckily everyone else is saying it's just part and parcel of having a destination wedding there will always be people who can't make it!! They are having a party afterwards when they get back to the UK for those that can't make it...would that be a possibility and you could go to that?

chocatoo · 04/06/2018 01:09

If they want your DH to attend, I think they should contribute towards the cost of him getting there.

Iflyaway · 04/06/2018 01:09

could he sleep on floor of his parents hotel room?

Only in a Mumsnet world .

I doubt there's a hotel in the world where they will allow 3 adults to check into a double room and have one sleeping on the floor. Why would they? It's in their interests to have another room booked.

Anyway, you just can't go OP cos you and your husband will have to have the two youngest on your laps and the two older ones in their own seats, which is hardly fair on any passengers seated next to them...

Also the hotel is a wedding hotel and not child friendly at all.

Well, there you go then. There's maybe a swimming pool too. So a definite no-no.

So, along with the expense that's 3 reasons you can tell them you can't make it.

KC225 · 04/06/2018 01:10

If you choose to have a wedding abroad, not everyone will be able to attend. And I speak as someone who married abroad many many years ago.

Am stunned re the poster who was invited to the evening do abroad and then the cousin was miffed when she didn't attend.

pigeondujour · 04/06/2018 07:23

Laughing at someone who can't count making a sniffy remark about your six kids I wouldn't be going and your husband shouldn't either if you can't afford it without debt. Unless they and their social circle all have the budget to match nobody should be getting married in bloody luxury Greek resorts.

FatherMackenzie · 04/06/2018 07:28

I don’t think you should go and I don’t think your Dh should either. “She’s his sister”. Meh. So what? If she wants him there so badly she could offer to pay for him and some help for his wife who will have to stay home with her nieces and nephews. I have a lovely brother who I love dearly. If I wanted a destination wedding and he and his wife were in this position I’d offer to pay or insist he didn’t come.

Yanbu.

GorgonLondon · 04/06/2018 07:28

God no, none of you should go.

DragonMamma · 04/06/2018 07:31

My SIL did the same and wasn’t happy we didn’t go, as we had already arranged to go elsewhere that year (which was non-refundable, as these things often are).

Going to her wedding would have been way over twice the price for half the time away, and it was outside of the school holidays which meant we would have had to fork out for additional childcare over the summer, when our actual holiday had been booked for.

I’m fairly sure she thinks we were being selfish but what pisses me off about destination weddings usually is that what the B&G save on cost inevitably gets passed on to the attendees in spades.

Nodancingshoes · 04/06/2018 07:46

No way could we afford it so there would be no discussion - you would need to add lots more money for food when you are over there if it is only bed and breakfast too. I am certainly not against overseas wedding (we had one!) but that is very expensive and the wedding couple need to expect people not to come.

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