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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding abroad - AIBU?

98 replies

Slipp3rs · 03/06/2018 18:21

DH’s sister is getting married on a Greek island. It’s £850.00 per person for bed and breakfast.

AIBU not to go. We are a family of 6 all under 6 years and we’ve got a newborn.

We’ve said we can’t afford it and don’t want to take a newborn abroad.

Also the hotel is a wedding hotel and not child friendly at all.

We’ve worked out paying for 5 (newborn is free) works out at £4250. Plus approx £150-200 a day for drinks, lunch and dinner. Approx £1050 - £1400.

Plus airport parking - £70
Food and drink at airports - £30
Insurance - £30

Total Approx - £5430 - £5780 depending on food and drinks bought.

For my DH to go on his own is around £1000 for flights, accommodation and parking etc flying the day before, being there for the wedding day and then flying home the following morning. Leaving me at home with a 6,4,1 and 8 week old.

OP posts:

DorothyBastard · 04/06/2018 07:47

It’s totally fine not to go. It’s also five for people to choose to have ‘destination weddings’, but a part of that is always going to be that some people can’t afford (either the time or the money) to attend. Just don’t go. Express your regrets, send a nice gift, be interested in the plans beforehand and the photos afterwards. Don’t pay out money you can’t afford.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/06/2018 07:52

It’s a no from me.

If you have a destination wedding you should be prepared to pay for everyone you really want to attend.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/06/2018 07:55

If you can’t afford the flights he can’t go. On a credit card = can’t afford it (unless you’re going to clear the balance when the bill comes). Take them out for a meal when they come back.

brassbrass · 04/06/2018 08:37

Also destination is Greek island where presumably you can't flush toilet paper. For a family of 6 sharing bathroom/s? No thanks! My one experience put me off Greek islands forever as my main memory of it was the unsanitary bathroom rules of all the paper being collected in a bin which stank in the heat.

veggiethrower · 04/06/2018 09:24

You've said you can't afford it so don't go. It's ridiculous to expect you to pay nearly 6000 pounds for 2 nights and to travel with 4 children, including a newborn.
DH's sister is free to choose whatever wedding she likes and to invite whoever she likes but she should not be surprised if people can't afford to pay that amount of money.
As to whether DH should go or not, it is still outrageous to expect him to pay 1000 pounds for two nights.
Does DH want to go? If he really wants to be there and you could afford it at a pinch then he should go - but if you are going to be struggling for money for the children then he just has to tell his sister that he can't afford it. End of discussion.

itsbetterthanabox · 04/06/2018 09:28

Could you go but not stay at the wedding hotel?
Rent a villa for the family. Just to them for day of wedding. That way you make it into an actual holiday for you both and the children plus it'll be much cheaper.

RedForFilth · 04/06/2018 16:04

Slipp3rs I didn't say you had said that?!

RedForFilth · 04/06/2018 16:07

CoughLaughFart what? I just meant in general as relationships breakdown or people may need to etc, nothing based on weddings at all.

bluebeck · 04/06/2018 16:25

yanbu - I don't think I would go in your shoes.

FreeMantle · 04/06/2018 18:53

I'm having a desitination wedding and sent invites fully expecting people to decline ( which they haven't).
My brothers family a five so awkward for hotel rooms.We get on well so I had a frank discussion with saying I didn't mind if they couldn't make it, or maybe just him.
But no. They are all coming and letting me know in no uncertain terms how much this is costing them all, how they can't do their own holiday ,how it clashes with another party....
Really annoying. Please just don't go.

MadMags · 04/06/2018 18:57

Why would you have a destination wedding and then invite people you don’t really want there??

I can’t believe your brother is making the effort to bring his whole family and you’re moaning that it makes it “awkward” for the hotel!!

FreeMantle · 04/06/2018 19:15

People like an invite. It's a nice destination that's special to us. come if you want to celebrate. I'd be quite happy eloping but other people want to make it big do.

I'm not moaning about hotel rooms I saying I understand that they will need at least two rooms , if not three, which gets expensive . I don't want them to come resentfully. Come and enjoy it or don't.

Not everyone wants the same thing out of a wedding.

GorgonLondon · 04/06/2018 20:10

freemantle they obviously don't want to come, and you don't want them there - why not be honest and save them a lot of money and stress?

FreeMantle · 04/06/2018 20:18

I thought I had.
Clearly I put in my post " I had a frank discussion and said I didn't mind if they couldn't make it".

Not because I don't like him or his family but because I understand they might not want the expense, might want to do the party etc etc.

But no. They are coming and are then bloody moaning about it! Why?..I had assumed as adults they could make the decsion to come or not. Hence giving them the choice, by sending an invite It wasn't meant as a demand to attend.

Tinkerbell89 · 04/06/2018 20:29

I feel they are asking too much in the amount it'll cost you and the stress of travelling with young children. I would explain why you are unable to attend. They have chosen to go abroad they should understand not everyone will be able to. It's not worth causing money problems to go

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/06/2018 20:30

FreeMantle How frank was your conversation? Because if you didn’t say “I know I invited you but I never expected or wanted you to accept” then you possibly weren’t frank enough.

timeisnotaline · 04/06/2018 20:35

You don’t have the money is end of story for me. Also with kids and a baby that age I don’t think my dh would be going, baby could be even younger after all and going through that feeding 8 hours a day phase.

Fruitcorner123 · 04/06/2018 20:43

CoughLaughFart no it's not a treat it's a major inconvenience but it's a once in a lifetime thing. it's his sister's wedding. I think this thread just highlights the fact that some.of us see family differently to others.

I doubt there's a hotel in the world where they will allow 3 adults to check into a double room and have one sleeping on the floor

You're right of course. It would be against hotel rules entirely. I know people who've done it though(mainly students and teenagers I grant you)

anyway the £6k family holiday is clearly not gonna happen so I was clutching at straws to find a way to keep costs down.

Fruitcorner123 · 04/06/2018 20:46

freemantle you invited your brother and he is making a massive effort to come and you are moaning. You shouldnt have invited people you didnt want to come. Suggestong to him that it should just be him is so rude!!

Aragog · 04/06/2018 20:48

It's irrelevant that it's his sister. She made the choice to have a wedding abroad.

If it was so important to her to have her brother present she should have chosen a venue closer to home that wouldn't send her brother and his family into CC debt! Her choice therefore she has to accept the consequences with good grace and without making anyone feel in the wrong.

Absolutely nonsense to suggest someone goes into debt in order to attend a wedding. Ridiculous!

FreeMantle · 04/06/2018 20:51

Seriously, what's with people's comprehension.

Which bit of any of my posts says I don't want my brother and his family there?

I don't want them to come resentfully and moan about it. Hence having a very clear talk that I didn't mind if just one ,or both , or all came.
But DON'T complain that's it's inconvenient or that they'll have to spend money they want for themselves.

Aragog · 04/06/2018 20:56

e but it's a once in a lifetime thing. it's his sister's wedding. I think this thread just highlights the fact that some.of us see family differently to others.

Well clearly his sister doesn't see family in the same way either if we take it that way. Because if she did she'd be choosing a venue closer to home where her brother wouldn't have to go into debt to attend!

I have a wedding abroad. It was just me and dh. We both love our families dearly, we're all pretty close. We chose our wedding for various personal reasons of our own. It was no reflection on our family ties. Family were totally understanding of that. We celebrated a fortnight later with a blessing and big party because family are also important to us.

My sister got married abroad. We went. Yes, it was expensive and there was absolutely no way expectation - but we chose to go and loved it. There was also a party celebration back home later to celebrate with those who couldn't make it.

FreeMantle · 04/06/2018 20:57

I give up.

I gave them them choice to come or not. I had the discussion to reassure him I was fine with whoever or not could come.

They have chosen to come and constantly berate the choice. What can I do? Ironically I know they are coming because actually it is a great destination. They probably wouldn't all have come if I had it the other end of the country say.

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