About DFriend making small talk with someone who has hurt me **TRIGGER WARNING**

[catinboots9]

Dearest and oldest friend who I have known for 30 years called me tonight. We speak a few times a year and it is always lovely.

Tonight she casually mentioned she'd bumped into my Ex-P and apparently now he has a wife and a new baby. Lovely.

Except he violently raped and assaulted me after we split up when he came to my flat to collect his things and 6 yr old DS was asleep in his bedroom. Twelve years ago. She knows all of what happened. It was an awful time.

I'm so so upset and angry but not sure if AIBU? She made small talk with the shitbag that raped me????

Am I over reacting? My feelings are huge right now and I can't tell if they are disproportionate or not.

I can only begun to imagine how hurry and upset you must be but it depends on the context before you throw away 30 years of friendship.

Did he see her and essentially corner her and tell her ask this unprompted or did She see him and seek him out for a chitchat?
Did she tell you in a glib "oh golly, you never guess who I saw today, hahaha" or a necessary I need to tell you on case anyone saw and they tell you?

What did you say to your friend?

Your feelings are completely justified and whatever you feel is okay. Where you go from here with your friend is also up to you. You’re in control. Is there anyone else to talk to?

Sleeping - she just said oh guess what I saw X the other day. It was pretty glib to be fair.

I made very quick excuses and got off the phone asap.

Was just shocked I suppose.

That's understandable, not what you were expecting to be suddenly confronted with.

Whatever you do, I'd tell her how much its upset you - text, letter, call - whatever is easiest for you xx

It's understandable that you're upset OP. I would say take a few days out, then tell her how you feel about it and take it from there.

If she's a good friend generally, I think she just had a really thoughtless, insensitive moment but not with the intention to hurt you and will probably be very apologetic when she knows how you feel. Nobody is perfect and sometimes people are thoughtless, but hopefully learn from it...

that must have been beyond awful to hear.
You are most certainly not unreasonable to feel shocked, betrayed even.
My best friend's ex husband treated her abysmally. This was many years ago but I still feel such anger when I remember. I would rather shave my own head than exchange pleasantries with him, if he had put her through what you experienced, I imagine I would have got myself into a lot of trouble if I bumped into him.
You really do need to have a conversation with her, or write her a letter if it will be 'easier'
Could she have tried to brush over it so not to upset you but misjudged her tone etc?
This is a bump in the road you will struggle to get over without addressing it.
Sorry for the memories this will have undoubtedly stirred up for you.
((Hug)) - not even apologising for the hug.

It's not the same situation but il share mine.

I met my abusive ex while at school, hr and were friends we were also with another girl before he and I got together.

As school ended and life began he became more controlling and abusive including raping me while I slept and lightly cutting my back/neck with a razor blade (so I couldn't cut my hair) while I slept. She knew a lot of what was going on and encouraged me to leave him finally After a specific event that included a rape finally things ended.

she stayed friends with him, I was fragile and vulnerable and didn't have the confidence to question it, I felt weird about it but didn't feel I was allowed to have an opinion about it.

Eventually I very nicely asked her why (especially as he seemed to know information about me and I didn't know how!) she started saying I cant just stop talking to him he is suicidal after you dumped him.

I finally got some balls and just very politely but concisely told her Jane (not real name) your my friend and I respect you and I will never tell you who you can be friends with but I can't have things about me going back to him, I must keep myself safe so if your in touch with him that's ok and your choice but I will censor what I share with you to keep myself safe. She wasn't very happy with me.

I never never heard from her again! The act of standing up for myself showed her I wasn't controlled anymore so she had no interest in me.

My point is it doesn't matter how close you think you are to someone, you must react to how they are actually treating you and not dismissing bad treatment under the guise of we are friends she/he can't possibly have meant to be so hurtful.

What happened to you was horrific and you deserved better, the very least you deserve is friends who don't minimise and ignore that. Or worse as in your case actually pretend it never even happened!

Sorry that was long! And 99% unimportant to your situation

I hope you sort of get what I'm trying to convey to you though.

I think she’s not as good a friend as you think she is.

Sorry but I agree with ginky she has casually dropped your rapists name into conversation, wwho knows why but it's not absent mindedness or thoughlessness. No-one forgets a close friend was raped.

I would cut her out and tell her why. Don't give her chance to apologise and make excuses this isn't the kind of thing that happens by accident. I dont mention my friend exes to them at all and none of them were raped (as far as I know)

I would cut her out and tell her why. Don't give her chance to apologise and make excuses this isn't the kind of thing that happens by accident. I dont mention my friend exes to them at all and none of them were raped (as far as I know)

I agree.

A real friend would never have mentioned him to you. Or better yet, not even spoken to him in the first place.

I’d cut her out without a backward glance.

If I bumped into my friends abusive ex and he tried to engage me in chit chat I’d have to work very hard just to remain civil.

She’s no friend.

Thank you for your replies. I was so upset last night I cried myself to sleep.

I couldn't believe my own reaction I was so so upset.

I have sent 'friend' a message saying I can't believe what she did. I then blocked her on everything.

Childish maybe, but I'm not sure I can get over it.

I’d have done the same.

The fact that she even spoke about him is hard enough. So she bumped into him, as if you want his name uttered anywhere near you. His name is mud, his name means pain and torture and years of having to mend. Why they fuck would she even mention seeing him?

She was being a heartless bitch. And I would tell her that as well.

Bloody hell she isn’t a good friend. My really close friend had an abusive ex. Even saying his name in my head makes me emotional. Id never pass on information about him to her unless it was of the utmost importance. And then it would be face to face, very gently, with wine/chocolate/punch bag to hand.
Sorry OP yanbu to be hurt by this x

I had a friend who was repeatedly raped by her ex, during their relationship and while she was trying to break up with him.

I couldn't even stand to look at him. Since the first time she told me (sadly not the last time it happened), I couldn't even be in the same space as him. I just wanted to get my car and run him down, or punch him in the face - with a brick. And lots of similar things that I wanted to do. I could not have made small talk with him in a million years - not without wrapping my hands round his throat and choking him to death. I had so much rage against him on her behalf - I would have loved to see him get his comeuppance, but sadly he walked away scot free.

So you are absolutely not BU - she is. She is supposed to be your friend, she should be backing you to the hilt. The only time I'd consider her having a conversation with him reasonable would be if she felt threatened and had to play along with him, or to get evidence to send him down with. Other than that, she is being thoughtless and crass.

I have sent 'friend' a message saying I can't believe what she did. I then blocked her on everything.

Childish maybe, but I'm not sure I can get over it.

Not childish at all, I would have done exactly the same thing. She was wrong for even speaking to him!!

I'm so sorry. You will never forget being raped by him & your friend shouldn't.

You're not childish, you're brave and you've done the right thing.

I would have done the same.

A wife and new baby? Shudder.

I have no idea why she would say anything to you about seeing him; it seems incredibly insensitive.
I would explain that to her and see how she responds.

Not childish! This isn't about you being hurt or angry although both of those are completely appropriate responses to this! it's keeping yourself safe and not having people in your life who would treat you so badly. It's about not allowing someone in your life who re-traumatise you.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am actually physically ill when I hear my rapist's name so I know exactly how you feel. As to why your so called friend brought this up to you I will never understand and it is not childish to go NC with her. The important thing now is for you to take care of yourself (and I am thinking of you) and

You were right to block her.