About DFriend making small talk with someone who has hurt me **TRIGGER WARNING**

[catinboots9]

Dearest and oldest friend who I have known for 30 years called me tonight. We speak a few times a year and it is always lovely.

Tonight she casually mentioned she'd bumped into my Ex-P and apparently now he has a wife and a new baby. Lovely.

Except he violently raped and assaulted me after we split up when he came to my flat to collect his things and 6 yr old DS was asleep in his bedroom. Twelve years ago. She knows all of what happened. It was an awful time.

I'm so so upset and angry but not sure if AIBU? She made small talk with the shitbag that raped me????

Am I over reacting? My feelings are huge right now and I can't tell if they are disproportionate or not.

My god! Poor you, what a shock. What was she thinking of, why would you have any interest?

Take care of yourself, that must've really knocked you.

xx

unervingly and a few others are offering you some wise words here, I would recommend thinking about them.

A 30 year old friendship must be important to you and worth at least seeing what her reaction is to your pain.

Yanbu at all in your reaction, but I think pushing away people you love over one upset is unwise. If it's part of a pattern of other behaviour that's a different scenario.

your "friend" is a Dickhead and no friend!!! Sorry but if my friend was raped I'd never forget about it, and, if I 'bumped' into the rapist I think I would struggle to bite my tongue if he attempted to speak to me.

As for: I didn't mention in my first post she actually told me he asked after me ......"Fuck off arsehole" should have been her response!!!

Well with that update, saying he asked after you. Fucking hell OP I can't believe she spoke to him and relayed the message. I was hoping it was a stupid thing to mention him and she could apologies profusely.

After your update, I would never speak to her again.

OP, I don't mean to pry but are you single?

To find out that some scumbag has been given a new chance in life to play 'happy' families is disgraceful.

On some level, she knew what she was doing. I've been able to dodge conversation with people either by telling them 'I'm not sure you should be talking to me' or 'Sorry, gotta dash'. But I can still appreciate that she may have felt awkward.

However, she did not need to relay back to you that she'd seen him. That's the bit that I would have an issue with.

And then to tell you about the wife & baby?🤔

What was her motive for that, given that she knew your backstory with the rapist?

I think the casual way she dropped it into the conversation is just incredibly strange. I can imagine bumping into him and being blind sided and having a conversation but I certainly wouldn't casually mention it to my dear friend.

@Isadora what sort of wishy-washy-straight-out-of-a-self-help-book kind of reply is that

unervinglyquiet said most of what I was thinking.

@ItIsUnnervinglyQuietInHere If she felt bad about it or obliged or 'forced' into speaking to him then she would have said so.....

I would have said
‘Cats, I was in ASDA and I saw Knob & Jane there. I just wanted to let you know so that you’re not taken by surprise. He said hello and I just said hello and kept walking as I didn’t want to cause a scene’.

Something like that is normal I think.

So that you’re not taken by surprise that they’re in the area .

It sounds as though she's told you that thinking you'd be interested. As though you'd want to know what he's up to nowadays.

I agree with others that I perhaps wouldn't end the friendship with her, but she would have to be told in no uncertain terms that she has really hurt you.

@Isadora what sort of wishy-washy-straight-out-of-a-self-help-book kind of reply is that

Harsh

"Fuck off arsehole" should have been her response!!!

When he was with his wife and child?

It's easy to think you'd know what to say from the comfort of your own home. And it might be good to imagine how you'd respond but, when faced with the shock of seeing this man, who was out with his wife and young child, would you really have shouted "fuck off arsehole"? In public? Because i doubt many people actually would, tbh.

I can imagine a lot of people/women doing the small talk and being cross with themselves that they didn't the confidence to tell him to fuck off.

@SickofPeterRabbit Do you know her? No, me neither so we have no idea what she would have said or not.

She may have felt uncomfortable about it and so was letting her friend know what had happened briefly but might have preferred to speak at length in person.

Hello everyone. Thank you all so much for your input. It's been invaluable and I have really tried to be objective.

I've stayed away from the thread and tried not to think about it. But the reality of the situation is I'm a mess and my feelings are getting bigger not smaller.

I'm going through the conversation with DF over and over, and the more I think about it, the worse it seemed and the worse I feel. Am I over analysing? I was just so shocked the other night. Now I'm sure she said something about 'having my back' but have I misremembered it? And wtf would that mean anyway.

And it's stirred up so many feelings I thought I'd never feel again. About him. And that time.

I'm getting more and more distressed and I want to let rip at her but I'm not going to. I just wish it would all go away.

Sorry I'm rambling don't even know what I'm asking.

I'm so sorry to everybody on this thread that have been through similar.

Thank you ladies to you all

And now I'm angry. Yes she should have said FUCK OFF ARSEHOLE

And not come twittering back to me about her conversation with him and his lovely wife

I need to diffuse this anger but I don't know how

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Part of it is because you have had a shock/fright with his name being mentioned by an old "friend". It happens to me but it does pass I promise. You need to look after yourself right now so is there anyone in real life you can talk to. Old feelings once woken are difficult to put to bed again but it can be done but in the meantime take it easy and do not beat yourself up.

Definitely definitely definitely YANBU

This won’t fix the anguish of the memories, just a way to calm down.

First breathe: take deep breaths through your nose, hold for a few seconds, then let them out from your mouth. Just listen to the sound of your breath, focus on that.

Then do something that relaxes you, be it reading, a nicely scented bath, yoga, all of the above?

She was wrong to chat with him; at the very least a cold look at him and then walk off.

Someone seriously questioned telling him to fuck off in front of his wife and kids? After what he did? Seriously??

Either the wife doesn’t know, and deserves to. Or she does know she’s with a violent rapist and is deserving of NO respect.

If hearing a bit of swearing is the worst thing that happens to that kid with parents like that, it’ll be a fucking miracle.

OP, if someone did that to my friend of thirty years, he would know not to have the cheek to approach me. And if he didn’t know, he’d be fucking told!

YANBU. She’s a complete dickhead.

And OP isn’t ending a friendship because of one conversation. She’s ending it because someone chit-chatted with her rapist, then told her about it, and told her he was “asking after her.”

That’s no friend.

Mind boggling why this friend thought you'd want or even need to know any details about this shitbag!
How utterly thoughtless, insensitive she was and with absolute no care for the effects on your mental well-being.

Recently my MIL asked me out of nowhere some frankly useless shit to do with my physically abusive father whom I've been no contact with for several years! I wanted to tell her "why are you asking me I don't give a shit" but it was a kids party so all she got was a gruff " I don't know "
I couldn't and still don't understand why she felt the need to start such a conversation

In an ideal world, she would have told him to fuck off. As ItsUnnerving said, that is easy to say that from the comfort of your home. I know I wouldn’t say that irl to a man, who had been violent to my friend. I really think you should consider talking to her either to direct your anger toward her at what may be a betrayal or to realise that she didn’t know what to do or say to him or you and badly put her foot in her mouth. Either way, if you did, you would be able to vent some of this anger, which right now is going nowhere.

You've done the right thing. She's lucky this hasn't triggered any PTSD in you either OP I hope you're OK. How could she even speak to him?

Someone seriously questioned telling him to fuck off in front of his wife and kids? After what he did? Seriously??

Either the wife doesn’t know, and deserves to. Or she does know she’s with a violent rapist and is deserving of NO respect.

If hearing a bit of swearing is the worst thing that happens to that kid with parents like that, it’ll be a fucking miracle.

Yes, I did.

It's highly unlikely that his wife knows if there was no trial and no conviction. During which date do you think he announced, "darling, I raped my ex" or do you think he waited until the proposal? Or the wedding speeches? The birth of the child?

You really think that his wife would deserve to find out by having a completely stranger shout "fuck off you arsehole" at him in the street?Whilst she was with her NEW BABY? When she didn't have a clue what it was about? How exactly do you imagine she'd respond to that

Parents like that ? What? So now people are experts on not only the friend but also the wife who, in all likelihood, knows absolutely nothing of any of this?

There are some bloody idiots posting on here at times.

OP Do NOT let people on here rile you up and act on that basis. Of course you are upset and angry about this. Anyone would be. But don't let strangers speculating about your oldest friend's motivations influence you. She may be being completely misrepresented by people on here who wouldn't know her if she danced past them down the street in a clown outfit.

Speak to her. People make mistakes; people misjudge situations; people don't always communicate clearly; people panic; people don't know what to do and don't want to cause a fuss; people are scared; people are fallible. If you speak to her and are not satisfied with the response then, of course, end the friendship. But unless you've had reason to doubt the friendship and were just looking for an excuse to end it, I would speak to her first.