About DFriend making small talk with someone who has hurt me **TRIGGER WARNING**

[catinboots9]

Dearest and oldest friend who I have known for 30 years called me tonight. We speak a few times a year and it is always lovely.

Tonight she casually mentioned she'd bumped into my Ex-P and apparently now he has a wife and a new baby. Lovely.

Except he violently raped and assaulted me after we split up when he came to my flat to collect his things and 6 yr old DS was asleep in his bedroom. Twelve years ago. She knows all of what happened. It was an awful time.

I'm so so upset and angry but not sure if AIBU? She made small talk with the shitbag that raped me????

Am I over reacting? My feelings are huge right now and I can't tell if they are disproportionate or not.

Absolutely disgusting of her. If she was your friend she would never want to risk hurting and upsetting you like that. Very insensitive

There is a man at school who beat his wife before they divorced and probably much more besides. She fled with her children. I don’t want to talk to him. Many of the female parents do and I don’t understand.

I absolutely understand your reaction. Your friend may not have considered herself being disloyal. Perhaps she has never been through abuse and therefore doesn’t truly understand how it affected you.

What on earth was she thinking? I can't imagine even giving a good friends rapist one second of my time tbh.

I'm glad you've blocked her. Hopefully she will reconsider her actions and think about the impact it's had on you.

Take good care of yourself OP.

wow, that shows colossal lack of awareness. you've done the right thing, you need to protect yourself. take care.

I can understand how the friend mentioning the ex he triggered all the old feelings.

However, I wouldn’t end a friendship,over an insensitive moment. I don’t Think there was anything wromg I her engaging him in small talk if she bumped into him. However, it was insensitive to mention it to you, unless she thought it was best to mention it, then to hide this information, especially as he is the father of tour child.

@Petalflowers he is not the father of my child

Don't unblock her, I'm so sorry OP. 💐

I think there was definitely something wrong with what she did, she should have just walked on if he tried to engage with her.
Shes betrayed you and twisted the knife as well.
Keep her blocked and just move on.Shes not a good friend at all.

She shouldn't have talked to him, and she shouldn't have then "chatted" to you telling you details about his life that you don't want to know. My marriage wasn't anything like as traumatic as yours, but I go ballistic when people sometimes casually ask "What's (my ex) doing now?" I've got more aggressive over the years and just say "How the fuck would I know, or care, and of all the people in the world why would you ask me ?" They usually imply I'm being very childish and uncivilised.

I'm not sure I'd end a friendship of 30 years over something without having a conversation about it first.

You say she sounded glib whereas she might have felt that she wanted to tell you but without making her interaction with him into a more significant event that it was.

She clearly wanted you to know, she wasn't keeping it from you. Small talk requires almost zero involvement or investment. It might have been a situation in which she would have been perceived as rude or unreasonable by others had she not interacted with him. She might have felt uncomfortable and not known what to do for the best. It might have felt easier to her at the time that walking away and announcing she had no interest in talking to him.

There are so many factors.

She might have bitterly regretted it as soon as their interaction ended. She might have questioned herself as to why she hadn't been strong enough to avoid.

If he approached her, or she would have had to actively reject the interaction, then she might have felt uncomfortable or unable to avoid it.

We read a lot on her of female socialisation and part of that is a difficulty in establishing boundaries generally/around men/around abusive men. She might have been fearful about what he'd have said/done had she behaved differently.

Leave it for a week or so but I would speak with her about this.

When I separated from my ex-husband due to DV, my best friend decided to stay in contact with him. I couldn't handle it and we are no longer friends. She still chats to him via Facebook and so does her partner, both after knowing what he did to me in front of our toddler.

I really don't understand it to this day.

I don’t understand people like this.

I was in a relationship with a vile man and became close to a couple he has known for years. They’re aware of how he used to treat me. After we broke up he harassed me to the point I felt like I was having a break down. He then remarried and the marriage ended when he beat his wife and dog up. The couple heard the recording that was used as evidence but still continue to be his friends! They even protect him when people ask what happened by swerving around it. It’s so strange. I feel like I can’t be too close to them now and trying to work through in my head about how I feel about being friends with people that knowingly continue friendships with domestic abusers.

YANBU OP

I think you need to find out more about the circumstances of the conversation.

"Bumped into" may have meant literally came across him, say in the shopping centre with his new wife and child in tow. Perhaps she was put on the spot and didn't know what to say, so just nodded and smiled and got out of the situation as fast as she could.

It's all very well to say what she should have done with hindsight but we don't always know how we'll react in the moment.

If she's your oldest and dearest friend, give her a chance to explain herself.

Advice like this isn't useful - Shes betrayed you and twisted the knife as well. Keep her blocked and just move on.Shes not a good friend at all.

They don't know you or your friend. None of us here know her motivations or what actually happened. Beware of people who tell you with certainty to cut contact with a friend with so few details - they're bringing their won baggage to this.

She was unbelievably insensitive and disloyal. I’m so sorry you have been betrayed like this.

She's been really insensitive and of course you should challenge her, but I don't think you should throw away your oldest and dearest friendship without giving her a chance to apologise.

*own baggage - not won baggage!

My dearest and oldest friends would have told him to fuck off!

I cannot imagine why she would think you would be interested in his life. Would she maybe have mentioned it as in The Scumvag has got himself a wife and child. Was he charged? I'm wondering did she mean it in a shocked way.

I'm really sorry you experienced all that with him, now your friend has made it raw again. Take sometime to yourself. I hope you feel better soon x

Scumbag..

I agree with pp who said she knows what’s she’s doing and is trying to subtly control you. I’d either drop her or tell her you don’t trust her - I suspect like pp said as soon as she knows she’s been found out and you’re into her, she’ll drop you like a stone.

Often, being in abusuve relationships can have an effect on the “standards” we enact - so we’re used to being treated badly, and I think some prople are good at sensing vulnerability/someone in a difficult situation and playing little head games?

She doesn't found like a very good friend if you just speak to her a couple of times a year.

Hope you are okay.
What a monumentally insensitive person she is.

She's been really insensitive and of course you should challenge her, but I don't think you should throw away your oldest and dearest friendship without giving her a chance to apologise.
This ^^
I agree with pp who said she knows what’s she’s doing and is trying to subtly control you.
?? Did you not read the bit where OP said this was her 'dearest and oldest friend' and how it was always 'lovely' talking to her. Why on earth would someone like this suddenly try and control OP? It's not logical. The reasonable answer is that she felt guilty about speaking to him & didn't want to hide it from you just in case you found out later, but she made a crap job of telling you. Now she can't apologise and explain because you've blocked her.
Give her the chance to explain.

Thank you everyone for making me feel INBU.

I didn't mention in my first post she actually told me he asked after me.

What did she say to that one? If she said “cat” is fine and not elaborated, then that’s maybe ok.

I agree with some of the pps about finding out the circumstances before completely ending the relationship. He was violent to you and she is a woman therefore vulnerable. Perhaps she felt too intimidated by him to not say anything and/or walk away.

Maybe not. But once you’re feeling on more of an even keel, perhaps think about hearing her out.

She is not a good friend and honestly she is an even worse person!

No way in Hell would I get into casual conversation with someone I knew was a rapist let alone start chatting to my best friends rapist!

I honestly don’t think I could’ve stopped myself from clawing his fucking eyes out.

I’m sorry your ‘friend’ is such a monumental waste of breath OP.