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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset with DP's lie

92 replies

OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 19:48

NC as could be outing from other threads under my usual name.

Yesterday, me and DP celebrated being together for 10 years. We are engaged but have not been able to afford the wedding we want yet.

So, we were out, both had been drinking. DP said to me 'I am so glad I choose you!?'

This was a little confusing to me as when I met him he told me that he was single and had been single for over 8 months.

I questioned him and he told me that when he met me he had been 'seeing' someone for 5 months but it wasn't serious and once me and him became exclusive and were officially a couple he 'fucked her off'

I am really upset by this, he lied to me at the time and I also feel for this woman who was 'fucked off' because he met me. Also, we didn't become 'exclusive' for 6 weeks after meeting... so I asked him if he was still seeing her and with her during this time. He told me I was being silly and wouldn't answer the question. He is shocked by my reaction from something that happened a decade ago.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Footballmumofthefuture · 02/06/2018 19:52

No you aren't!
He had both of you at the same time and has only just told you now!

I'd be seriously upset. Was he sleeping with you both at the same time. Eww!

FASH84 · 02/06/2018 19:54

It's ten years ago, let it go

SkinniesAreOver · 02/06/2018 19:54

It's his language talking about another woman that woudl bother me.

I suppose there is an argument that in the first 6 weeks of meeting somebody, they don't owe you very much. But ''I fucked her off'' is a very disrespectful way to talk about somebody, especially a woman he was supposedly fond of. Does he often talk about women like that?

19lottie82 · 02/06/2018 19:55

Hmmmmm I can understand why you feel a bit upset, but if you weren’t exclusive and he stopped seeing her as soon as you were then I don’t really think he did anything wrong.

He also could have kept his mouth shut about this, I don’t think there was any benefit in him telling you BUT is it really worth dwelling on this or holding a grudge?

Footballmumofthefuture · 02/06/2018 19:58

But if she thought he wasn't with anyone else it's totally disrespectful. Imagine 10 years down the line finding out your so called soul mate had someone else aswell as you.
What about him sleeping with them both at the same time if he did and STI's.
That's gross imo.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 02/06/2018 20:02

Ok, are those 6 weeks ago a reflection of your marriage. Does he normally talk of women in such respectful way?

If so, I would be upset though
If not, I would focus on his good deeds rather than this bad one. You were not even exclusive at that time and he may have had something similar with the other woman so, why to make an issue of it when you have 10 years of evidence that actually he is not that bad.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 02/06/2018 20:06

How old were you 10 years ago? People can mature a hell of a lot in 10 years. Certainly when I was in my late teens and early 20s it was normal to line up the next one before dumping - that was both sexes.

outofmydepth45 · 02/06/2018 20:07

5 months is quite a long time imo sounds like you where the ow

Worriedsick12 · 02/06/2018 20:11

It sounds like he stopped seeing her once you were exclusive, and it was a decade ago. I would let it go - he wasn't unfaithful etc. Maybe just let him know that you think he should have told you but that it's not something you're going to fight about now.

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 20:15

Thanks for the replies.

What upsets me I think is that when I met him he seemed like a really genuine guy who had a child from an ex he had split up from 3 years before we met. He admitted he had a couple of casual relationship during this time but when we met said he wasn't seeing anyone or been with anyone in any way whatsoever for 8 months.

We went on dates etc for the first 6 weeks before we became official.

I am upset that 10 years down the line he tells me he was dishonest at the beginning...

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 02/06/2018 20:15

Looking at my marriage if I found out the beginning of our relationship had all been a lie I would walk away.

HoHoHoHo · 02/06/2018 20:16

I can see why you are upset but you are looking at it through the eyes of a 10 year relationship. A lot of people date more than one person at a time and this was before you were exclusive. He didn't know he'd end up settling down with you at the time.

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 20:16

In answer to a PP question. When we met he was 27 and I was 20 x

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 02/06/2018 20:20

I'm sidi but I don't actually see a lie there. If she wasn't his girlfriend then he was single. And as for his refusal to comment on the six non exclusive weeks I would assume that that is because he thought you were going to be funny about it. If you aren't exclusive then in what world does it make sense to expect him to nor see anyone else?

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 20:22

@Racecardriver he told me he hadn't been with any one else in any way whatsoever for 8 months when we met. This was the lie

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 02/06/2018 20:25

My bad. Misunderstood. Does it matter though? I mean I would have thought that was a white lie to skate your feelings (kind of rude to tell someone you are saying that you are seeing someone else surely?). I mean I assume that it wasn't a deal breaker for you? If it was then I suppose that's different.

UserV · 02/06/2018 20:25

Wouldn't worry about it now OP. It's been a decade, and as long as he has stayed faithful to you, and you are happy with him, I wouldn't get to het up. I think he just worded it badly/clumsily.

UserV · 02/06/2018 20:26

*too het up, not TO.

OneStepSideways · 02/06/2018 20:27

It's a decade later, I'd let it go.

If you're happy together and have had a good 10 years, it seems madness to get angry that he was seeing another woman around the time you got together. It's in the distant past.

UserV · 02/06/2018 20:27

Still don't know why he even had to mention it, but I don't think his intentions were bad.

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 20:30

Oh no, me and DP will not split up over this. I was just upset that he wasn't honest from the beginning because I was.

I am just interested in other posters views and how they would feel in the same position etc.

What's done is done.

Just wish my DP could understand why I was upset by it.

Also when I was younger I was in the position of being 'fucked off' for someone else and it makes me think that this women could have been genuinely into DP and thought it was going somewhere and was left hurt Sad

OP posts:
LordNibbler · 02/06/2018 20:37

The thing is, he downright lied to you. You weren't exclusive so he could have told you the truth. I'd be wondering if he was exclusive with the other woman, or at least if she 'thought' they were. If he can lie so easily and without shame about something like that, I personally would wondering what other lies he's told in the past ten years. You trusted him 100%. Can you say you still do?

Motoko · 02/06/2018 20:37

You as a couple may not have been exclusive for 6 weeks, but presumably, if he'd been with the other woman for 5 months, she assumed that they were exclusive, meaning he was cheating on the other woman, with you OP.

I can see why you're upset, because of his lie, but if he used the term "fucked her off", his disrespect, and cheating, would paint a picture of him that's not very flattering.

Not sure where you go from here though.

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 20:38

Thank you for all opinions. If has made me understand that I should just let it go. Just confused and upset me at the time when he told me after I had always believed he hadn't been with anyone for over 8months

OP posts:
FreeMantle · 02/06/2018 20:40

Ok it changes your meeting up history a little but really not by much.
Five months is nothing. It's still all about the chemistry/ first impressions/romance rather than real feelings.
He probably was honest because he was 10 years younger! He could well have matured.

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