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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset with DP's lie

92 replies

OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 19:48

NC as could be outing from other threads under my usual name.

Yesterday, me and DP celebrated being together for 10 years. We are engaged but have not been able to afford the wedding we want yet.

So, we were out, both had been drinking. DP said to me 'I am so glad I choose you!?'

This was a little confusing to me as when I met him he told me that he was single and had been single for over 8 months.

I questioned him and he told me that when he met me he had been 'seeing' someone for 5 months but it wasn't serious and once me and him became exclusive and were officially a couple he 'fucked her off'

I am really upset by this, he lied to me at the time and I also feel for this woman who was 'fucked off' because he met me. Also, we didn't become 'exclusive' for 6 weeks after meeting... so I asked him if he was still seeing her and with her during this time. He told me I was being silly and wouldn't answer the question. He is shocked by my reaction from something that happened a decade ago.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/06/2018 20:41

I'd be thinking of him a bit differently and I'd feel foolish and angry because my memories of those early days (which I'm sure you discussed many times, like a lot of couples) were just not how you thought they were.

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 20:42

@LordNibbler @Motoko

These are the reasons why it upset me. I understand where PP's are coming from thou

OP posts:
Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 20:42

Sorry I mean @HollowTalk And @LordNibbler

OP posts:
Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 20:45

Grrrr Sorry. Plus @Motoko

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/06/2018 20:46

Id be bothered by the fact he was still thinking about her all these years later. I'd be bothered he wanted you to think uou were in some way lucky he picked you. When he had another option. I'd be bothered he talked so immaturely and disrespectfully about a woman he was sleeping with.

I'd assume he was maybe over exaggerating this. He was trying to make you think he had other choices. Is there something wrong in your relationship? Is he insecure? A cheater? I can't read it. But it's weird him telling you and in the way he did.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/06/2018 20:47

At 5 months I wouldn’t have got further than casual fucking and lunch time dates. And would have no issue with it fizzling out for any reason

Iflyaway · 02/06/2018 20:47

he 'fucked her off'

Charming fucker. Not.

This will be you 10 or 20 years down the line.

So, we were out, both had been drinking. DP said to me 'I am so glad I choose you!?'

Nothing about "So glad YOU chose ME?!

You can't be that desperate to tie yourself to this sorry excuse for a man, surely?!

Clubcuts · 02/06/2018 20:49

Yesterday, me and DP celebrated being together for 10 years. We are engaged but have not been able to afford the wedding we want yet.

10 years and can't afford the wedding you want.......that speaks volumes!

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 02/06/2018 20:50

It was 10 years ago, I really think you need to let it go.

WilburIsSomePig · 02/06/2018 20:50

Well when I first read this I thought that yes, I'd be upset. Then I thought back to the start of My and DH's relationship. I wasn't an angel for the first few weeks but when I realised that DH was the one I wanted to be with, that was it. I've been 100% committed to him for the past 17 years.

His choice of language about the other woman would be what would piss me off about this whole scenario.

LML83 · 02/06/2018 20:51

I don't think I would be annoyed, surprised maybe but a lie like that in the early stage of a relationship is not a big deal to me. I think you are right to let it go.

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 02/06/2018 20:51

10 years and can't afford the wedding you want.......that speaks volumes

Perhaps she wants the big fairy tale wedding, they can cost a lot.

LeighaJ · 02/06/2018 20:53

I'd have a hard time getting over that. Doesn't matter if it was 10 years ago when you only just found out that your relationship started with a big lie by omission...which is still a LIE.

Clubcuts · 02/06/2018 20:54

10 years and can't afford the wedding you want.......that speaks volumes

Perhaps she wants the big fairy tale wedding, they can cost

Perhaps SHE does! Perhaps he's happy he doesn't have to commit to marriage? Perhaps the one he fucked off expected more commitment??

Clubcuts · 02/06/2018 20:56

@MrsHappyAndMrCool, maybe which is why he's happy he chose her,,,, no commitment!

Unlike the one he fucked off! She may just have wanted more after 10 years!

timeisnotaline · 02/06/2018 20:58

Ten years is a long time. 5 months otoh isn’t at all. He was seeing someone for a few months, realised you were it, and has been with you ever since. I wouldn’t worry about it.

helloBuddy · 02/06/2018 20:59

Jeez I'd let it go, everyone says stuff to impress on the first dates. You don't know it's going to be a proper relationship then. He's with you and has been for 10years surely that counts for something?

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 21:00

10 years and can't afford the wedding you want.......that speaks volumes

Why? We have been together 10 years but only engaged for 2 years. We both have the same ideas about the wedding we want and are in the process of planning it

OP posts:
Clubcuts · 02/06/2018 21:01

@OverThinking11 to me it speaks lack of commitment and wanting to be a married couple!

He possibly thinks that he chose correctly because the other woman would've wanted more commitment.

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 02/06/2018 21:06

shrugs shoulders Blush

AlmostAJillSandwich · 02/06/2018 21:13

I genuinely don't get this "exclusive" stuff.
Am i old fashioned or just dumb, i genuinely thought as soon as you liked someone enough to ask them out on a "date" that it would be cheating to be "seeing" someone else.
I would honestly just assume exclusivity from the get go if me and a guy confessed feelings for each other and arranged a date. If it goes well, you move on to date 2 etc and see how it goes. If it doesn't go well, no hard feelings, you tried, NOW you're free to ask someone else on a date.
Im sorry, but in your position i'd feel completely cheated on and lied to, he had feelings for and was dating someone else! He decided he liked you better, but that doesn't change the fact that the first 6 weeks of your "relationship" he was at the very least emotionally cheating with this other girl, physically too if he did anything physical with her in those 6 weeks.
I couldn't let it go, i'd be demanding to know if he had seen her and done things with her after the first time he'd touched/kissed me, and if he had, i'd be heartbroken and seriously consider ending things. Cheating is unforgivable to me, and to be lied to for 10 YEARS, how can you lie to someone you love and not be torn apart by it? I'd lose all ability to trust him and be questioning everything, what else had he lied about etc. His reaction would also be a stab in the back, he doesn't think he did anything wrong and is "shocked" that this is a big deal to you?!

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 21:14

@Clubcuts

Is not being with someone for 10 years married or not a commitment Confused if he didn't want fo be committed to somebody than surely I would have been long gone years ago?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 02/06/2018 21:14

Ignore the twattery about a wedding...it’s irrelevant to your issue here.

I totally understand where you are coming from. He lied to you. He lied about something important and something that meant something to you. He had no reason to lie either. Even though it happened 10 years ago, you’ve only just found out, so the hurt is now. It changes how you view the beginning of your relationship and, for me, it would change - perhaps even destroy - the trust.

10 years is a long time and I don’t know what I’d do about it tbh, but one thing is for sure, he’d know that he had damaged our relationship and the trust. A lie about seeing someone else tripped easily off his tongue, I’d wonder how many other lies have done so too...

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 02/06/2018 21:18

Either let 8t go or don’t marry h8me, it will eat up your trust if you can’t let it go and divorce costs more than marriage.

Clubcuts · 02/06/2018 21:21

@OverThinking11 , my perception of what you have said is that..

It took 8 years to propose and you're now saving for the wedding!

I'm only saying what I see and it seems to lack commitment, sorry if you don't like that!

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