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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel upset with DP's lie

92 replies

OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 19:48

NC as could be outing from other threads under my usual name.

Yesterday, me and DP celebrated being together for 10 years. We are engaged but have not been able to afford the wedding we want yet.

So, we were out, both had been drinking. DP said to me 'I am so glad I choose you!?'

This was a little confusing to me as when I met him he told me that he was single and had been single for over 8 months.

I questioned him and he told me that when he met me he had been 'seeing' someone for 5 months but it wasn't serious and once me and him became exclusive and were officially a couple he 'fucked her off'

I am really upset by this, he lied to me at the time and I also feel for this woman who was 'fucked off' because he met me. Also, we didn't become 'exclusive' for 6 weeks after meeting... so I asked him if he was still seeing her and with her during this time. He told me I was being silly and wouldn't answer the question. He is shocked by my reaction from something that happened a decade ago.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Motoko · 02/06/2018 21:28

Almost you and me must be old fashioned. In the old days, seeing more than one person at a time was called "two timing", and was really frowned upon.

I was discussing this with my husband the other night, as he'd never heard of the term "exclusive" in dating, or that it now seems to be the done thing to have several people on the go, until you pick the one you like best.

Thank god I'm past all that!

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 21:31

I can understand all the replies and advice other than @Clubcuts Confused sorry

OP posts:
Dsc1907 · 02/06/2018 21:33

"Id be bothered by the fact he was still thinking about her all these years later. I'd be bothered he wanted you to think uou were in some way lucky he picked you. When he had another option. I'd be bothered he talked so immaturely and disrespectfully about a woman he was sleeping with. "

This.

I'd have a hard time trusting someone with this attitude to women and relationships, and this casual with the truth.

Why tell you this - in the very particular way he did - other than to keep you in your place and make you aware you're an accessory that was picked by him and could also be dropped again? Who tells their partner "I'm so glad I chose you" rather than "I'm so glad we met"? You're a person, not a pair of jeans.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of men out there who wouldn't view 10 years as commitment, so much as longevity. Doesn't stop them dropping the woman who thought they'd committed to her when somebody new takes their fancy.

I can understand why ten years in you'd want to find a way to brush this aside and not lose your "investment" in the relationship... But if it were me I wouldn't trust him anymore, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with somebody with that attitude. What else hasn't he told you?

If you were 20 ten years ago, then you're still incredibly young. You don't have to stay with someone for the next 50 odd years of your life just because you've spent 10 years with them before you discovered who they really are. Think about what's right for you and your future, not what you feel you ought to do.

Lilymossflower · 02/06/2018 21:33

I would feel really upset!

It's a big thing to lie about!
It would make me think, if he can lie about such a big thing in such a careless way how can I trust him at all!

Blergh!

gillybeanz · 02/06/2018 21:57

If you have an ideal wedding in mind and it's taking so long, I question the commitment and suitability tbh.
So there's two of us.
Whats wrong with a cheap wedding, it's the marriage and wanting to be together thats important.
He has a family already, and a murky past by the sound of it.
The way he spoke about his ex must be familiar to you, how can you be with man who thinks like this?

Clubcuts · 02/06/2018 22:11

@gillybeanz !!

Exactly!!

@OverThinking11 , I think you don't like to face the truth! 10 years!!!!

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 02/06/2018 22:14

Clubcuts - I know people they have been together for the over 15 years and aren’t even engaged.

Clubcuts · 02/06/2018 22:21

@MrsHappyAndMrCool I know people that have been together 30 years and are not engaged!!

The OP stated that it's 10 years because they can't afford the wedding they want!

So just a bit different??

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 22:22

@gillybeanz and @Clubcuts you are jumping to conclusions and your posts are not relevant.

Thank you to everybody else. Your posts have been interesting to read and have helped me to see that I am not being reasonable, or unreasonable. It's made me realise that everybody is different to how much this would matter to them. So what might be a big deal to me is probably not to my DP, or others.

We had another chat tonight about it and I do feel better now Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 22:23

@Clubcuts I did not state that at all Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 22:25

Yesterday, me and DP celebrated being together for 10 years. We are engaged but have not been able to afford the wedding we want yet

We have been together 10 years (FULL STOP) in no way did I state we have been engaged 10 years

OP posts:
Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 22:28

We have been engaged 2 years. Saving for the wedding we both want. Nothing wrong with couples who want small weddings etc. But we are saving for a wedding We want.

We have had other outgoings which have had to take priority. Sissy I didn't mention this but I didn't think it was relevant to my OP!!

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 02/06/2018 22:28

OP take no notice Flowers have a beautiful wedding .Be happy .

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 22:29

Sorry**

OP posts:
Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 22:30

@Mrsmadevans thank you x

OP posts:
Clubcuts · 02/06/2018 22:31

We have been together 10 years (FULL STOP) in no way did I state we have been engaged 10 years

Oh that's ok then!

Can I ask why you stated the fact you had not got married then? If it's no big deal why did you say it's because you can't afford it?? Why not just say we've been together 10 years? Why the explanation .........

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 22:33

@Clubcuts because for some reason on MN I feel as thou I have to explain myself to people like you who find it odd for someone to be in a relationship for 10 years and not married Hmm

OP posts:
maxthemartian · 02/06/2018 22:34

I'm another one that doesn't get the "exclusive" thing. It's another ridiculous American import.
When I got together with someone, I expected them not to arse things up just as they were getting started, by cheating on me.

madcatladyforever · 02/06/2018 22:35

Same here, my husband didn't bother to tell me, I actually found out that he had lied to me about having left his partner of 8 years when me met when he was actually still living with her and she had no idea about our relationship. We lived in different counties so I didn't find out as he'd always travel to my house.
He knew that my absolute number one rule in life is never to steal another womans man and that's what I did due to his lies.
I couldn't live with him after finding that out and we divorced after nearly two decades of marriage.
Some people might think that is extreme but if he lied to his previous partner about us and cheated on her I can never trust him again.

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 22:36

@Clubcuts I am beginning to realise thou that you are not here to give helpful advice. Just bored sad and lonely on a Saturday night at a guess!?

I mean, you keep jumping to conclusions about my life, so only fair I do the same about yours?

OP posts:
Quantumblue · 02/06/2018 22:37

The lying and lack of integrity would upset me enormously.

Original poster
OverThinking11 · 02/06/2018 22:38

@madcatladyforever sorry to hear that. Must have been a difficult time for you Thanks

OP posts:
Clubcuts · 02/06/2018 22:39

@OverThinking11 not odd at all! As I've said I know people together much longer and not married! But they do t put hurdles together the way like "we're saving" " or other some such rubbish! They are just comfortable in their own relationship, unlike you who seems to have the need to explain with a really legitimate reason why you're not married!

Married, engaged or not....... he lied!

Mrsmadevans · 02/06/2018 22:41

Op , what sort of wedding dress are you going to have ?
I loved Meghans it was so beautiful and so classy, are you thinking of one like that?

Mrsmadevans · 02/06/2018 22:44

The only thing l want changed was her flowers . l like huge bouquets myself {smile]. Otherwise it was pretty much perfection sigh Smile

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