Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to worry about future bullying of my baby?

97 replies

Username863472 · 01/06/2018 11:18

I have a 18 month old DD and I’m terrified for her future. I had a horrific time at high school, I was bullied relentlessly and it’s hugely affected my confidence as an adult. I wouldn’t want anyone to experience the torture that I went through. I was teased about my appearance constantly, physically assaulted on numerous occasions, and threatened online. I’m proud that I made it through the other side, although I do feel it’s affected me mentally quite severely.

My DD is so small and has a long time before she goes to high school, but I’m petrified for her. I hope to god that she doesn’t experience any bullying, but when I imagine that this could be a possibility it’s like a knife through my heart.

I can’t protect her forever. All I can do is teach her to stand up for herself and not take any shit from anyone, but that’s going to be hard when I feel so damaged myself. But when I imagine anyone bullying her it almost feels like I’m going to go through it again myself. I don’t know how to prepare her for possible bullying. AIBU to feel so fraught and anxious about a situation that may never happen?

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 01/06/2018 11:26

OP you HAVE to get counseling. NOW.

You can't live with this degree of trauma and expect to be able to bring your child up without passing it on somehow.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh...but she will likely be fine...except she learns all her behaviour from you and you sound traumatised.

Speak to your GP asap.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 01/06/2018 11:29

I had bullying at school all through school so I understand exactly what you mean and why you are afraid for her...it's one of the reasons I always say if and when I have kids they will be homeschooled, as I don't want them to feel the anxiety and fear I felt, I don't feel I got the education I could have got if I hadn't been bullied...

AjasLipstick · 01/06/2018 11:30

But Elder your children are not you...OP's is not hers. They're different. Not all children get bullied.

MargaretCavendish · 01/06/2018 11:31

Another vote for 'please get some counselling'. No matter how hard you try, you're going to pass this fear, which may develop into a general fear of school, onto her unless you get some professional help. It's very, very hard to think or rationalise yourself out of such deep fears without help, so don't blame yourself for feeling this way, but do see it as a reason to seek support - the great thing is that you've still got a long time to work on this, but the best time is now.

FatCow2018 · 01/06/2018 11:32

ajas is right OP, you cannot allow yourself to pass on your fears to her, its not fair and living as you do is not healthy for either of you. Please get some help now, whilst you still have time.

Original poster
Username863472 · 01/06/2018 11:32

Ajas - I had counselling years ago for quite a substantial period but it hasn’t helped me long term. I don’t know what else I can do to help my anxiety with this. Sad

Elderflower - I am considering home schooling but as I am already averse to social situations I don’t want her to end up the same way, and I think homeschooling might not help. But I don’t know what I would do if I could see her going through the same torment that I experienced. I look at her beautiful face and can’t comprehend how people could be so cruel, it just makes me want to cry

OP posts:
Original poster
Username863472 · 01/06/2018 11:34

I understand not all children get bullied and these worried could be completely pointless, but what if she is? How can I cope whilst I’m still suffering from my own experiences?

OP posts:
Mousefunky · 01/06/2018 11:35

Your child isn’t you. She will have infinitely different experiences to you throughout her life. History usually doesn’t repeat itself. I agree with PP’s suggesting counselling. You do have to accept when you have children that there is an element of your life you can no longer control. You are only ever in control of your own life.

TacoLover · 01/06/2018 11:35

Don't take away the experience of high school by homeschooling her because of your own issues, that isn't fair.

Original poster
Username863472 · 01/06/2018 11:37

Taco - I know it isn’t fair, and I know it might not happen to her. And I know we can’t protect our children from unpleasant experiences and it’s what will shape them as people. I just don’t know how I will cope if/when it happens to her

OP posts:
SexyManatee · 01/06/2018 11:38

Home schooling won't help her build social confidence at all OP. You'd be denying her a really formative experience.

Bl7589 · 01/06/2018 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FranticallyPeaceful · 01/06/2018 11:38

@TacoLover Home education is a better experience than high school anyway, I wouldn’t worry about the ‘high school experience’

FranticallyPeaceful · 01/06/2018 11:41

@SexyManatee home educated kids are more confident than school kids generally speaking.

Not saying you should Home educate, unless you decide that’s for your child, but let’s be level headed about it all - HE can be fantastic, as can school. Depends on the child, don’t make your decision around yourself

SexyManatee · 01/06/2018 11:41

Home education is a better experience than high school anyway

That isn't fact. That is merely opinion.

Seeline · 01/06/2018 11:43

I think you have to give counselling another go. If you do it with your DD in mind, I think you may be able to work out coping strategies etc.
I really don't think it would be fair on your DD to homeschool her just because she might get bullied. Especially if you are not a social person, she will need the mix of school.

Butterflykissess · 01/06/2018 11:45

I worry about this but it's more because my Dr has autism . Dreading secondary school for her (she's in mainstream primary at the moment.) She was teased and kicked off a swing by some kids in the park the other day.

LML83 · 01/06/2018 11:46

I wasn't bullied but I still worry. My DD does taekwondo which will hopefully make her feel more confident when she is older and some useful self defence.

She also goes to gymnastics, I went to a dance class I think friends outside of school are really important if there are any issues. I didn't hang out at the park where I knew there could be trouble because I had other friends.

I am lucky enough to be able to pick up most days, so I know most of the kids and who is nice and who isn't so nice. Knowing her best friend and getting to know her parents is very reassuring. I want her to have a few good friends, I think if you have that high school is much better.

I try to teach her when people are mean it's their issue, if they are normally nice they may be having a bad day, if they are consistantly mean stay away from them.

The social media side worries me but I have no suggestions for that, I am delaying it as much as I can.

Every parent worries, you will be looking out for her, is there is a problem you will handle it. Flowers

Pandora79 · 01/06/2018 11:48

Home schooling should be a decision based on the child. Not anxiety caused by awful experiences of the parent.

No one can say that one is better than the other.

PotteringAlong · 01/06/2018 11:48

All I can do is teach her to stand up for herself and not take any shit from anyone,

Don’t turn her into a bully herself though.

SexyManatee · 01/06/2018 11:49

Don’t turn her into a bully herself though.

Too forthright, not forthright enough. Girls can't win sometimes.

Branleuse · 01/06/2018 11:50

Its horrible, but just remember you arent obliged to send them to school, and if bullying does occur and doesnt get resolved satisfactorily, you are entitled to remove your child and home educate and this can be a brilliant choice for some families.

Sofiathefirst2346 · 01/06/2018 11:54

I was bullied all through school, it never crossed my mind that my girls might be bullied. I’ve brought them up to be confident and articulate. IF any bullying type incidences have occurred, we’ve gone straight to the school who sorted it. I think you need to try something different to work on your anxiety. Medication/hypnotherapy/CBT. Whatever ends up working. It really isn’t normal to be worrying to this extent at this point in their life xx

tolerable · 01/06/2018 11:57

counselling might not quite envelope your needs OP. specify you require cbt. Also...stop it.do not skips chapters of your child life worrying about something which is avoidable/preventable..ish..schools are far more geared up for bullying than twenty yrs ago. you have your experiences to draw from.intimidated is a horrible place to be,at any age. take child to self defense,martial arts,or similar.x

AnnieAnoniMouser · 01/06/2018 11:59

I think you should try some counselling again as this time you can focus on how not to project issues onto your DD, the different focus might help.

I am very much in favour of homeschooling when it’s done because it’s the right thing for the specific child or if the family moves around a lot or just feels strongly about it etc. It definitely has advantages. However, it’s not something that should be done as a way to keep the child from being in school just in case they’re bullied.

There’s every likelihood (if you can find a way not to project onto your DD) that she will go through school not being bullied. Of course there are times when ALL kids get teased at some time, it’s normal and it’s not nice, but it’s just life and not defining.

Please try again to get some help 💐