AIBU to worry about future bullying of my baby?

[Username863472]

I have a 18 month old DD and I’m terrified for her future. I had a horrific time at high school, I was bullied relentlessly and it’s hugely affected my confidence as an adult. I wouldn’t want anyone to experience the torture that I went through. I was teased about my appearance constantly, physically assaulted on numerous occasions, and threatened online. I’m proud that I made it through the other side, although I do feel it’s affected me mentally quite severely.

My DD is so small and has a long time before she goes to high school, but I’m petrified for her. I hope to god that she doesn’t experience any bullying, but when I imagine that this could be a possibility it’s like a knife through my heart.

I can’t protect her forever. All I can do is teach her to stand up for herself and not take any shit from anyone, but that’s going to be hard when I feel so damaged myself. But when I imagine anyone bullying her it almost feels like I’m going to go through it again myself. I don’t know how to prepare her for possible bullying. AIBU to feel so fraught and anxious about a situation that may never happen?

This not thus

More counselling - ideally long-term counselling with no defined end - and potentially antidepressants ...

I had social anxiety as a teenager, though fortunately only mild bullying compared with the crap a couple of others got. My daughter, the first-born, turned out totally different to me - loads of lovely friends, normally self-confident, all without any particular input from me as far as I know! My son showed signs of anxiety, and it was hard to find the right kind of help (they wanted him to be dyslexic, have ADHD or be gifted) but I kept looking and eventually got a good counsellor for a coupe of years. He's 18 and now a lot more confident.

When I was little it would have been very unusual to get counselling, and "social anxiety" was not even a thing: you were just "shy" and needed to magically be more sociable. The world has progressed a lot, your daughter will be growing up in a different place.

It's an understandable worry, and one I feel too keenly now, for my eldest as they're about to start high school. It's part of the worry I've felt every step of the way - from when they were up all night sick... as they come off their bike and graze their knee, miss out on an opportunity, lose a favourite teddy..... Kids break your heart all the time with their trials and tribulations - it's part and parcel of motherhood. The pain is love. It sucks but it's what drives us to care!

I was bullied too but by learning to confront or ignore, no one intimidates me and I don't permit myself to be bullied by anyone now. By falling off their bikes they learned to get back on and keep going. By falling out with friends they learned to make better choices. Losing teddies teaches them to care for their belongings. It's our job to let them learn to navigate this shitty world but to know that their mum will always love them regardless and is proud of them.

On a practical point, remember no school officially permits bullying. There are procedures in place to address bad behaviour and so the instance anything like this happens you can work with the school and I think they're more set up to deal with it than they were in my day when it really was "get on with it".

I had EMDR therapy largely to deal with anxieties left over as a result of horrendous bullying as a teenager, and it's been so much more helpful than CBT or just talking.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-treatments/types-of-talking-treatments/#.WxE5i-4vyUk

It's listed here if you want to know more OP.

OK, you did counselling before; your circumstances have changed irrevocably so you need to have counselling again. Even .if the first counselling had been great all through your life until you had your baby, it obviously doesn't help you now.

Everything has changed. When you have a baby you become hugely protective of this little life the weight of responsibility can be unbearable. Please go to counselling again.

I was bullied, as was DP, and we have some of the same fears. To add to the mix, DD is the adopted daughter of a same sex couple, so plenty for bullies to work with if they wanted to!

She's only 2 now, so it's some way in the future for us.

I think the thing to do is to turn your worry into positive action. You're worried about her becoming bullied, so what are the kinds of things you can do to prevent that? What research can you do about how to build her resilience and encourage her to be confident, etc?

There's a great website called a Mighty Girl which has tons of great resources for parenting girls, and lots of them are to do with coping with 'mean girl' culture and so on. I highly recommend it to you as a starting point for some positive action you can take.

You can protect her though. This kind of thing would never have been allowed at the school I went to and it has a reputation for bitchyness. What you describe sounds very extreme and possibly of its time. It is very unlikely to happen to your daughter, especially if you keep it in mind when choosing a school. If this is causing you this level of anxiety I think you may need to get some help.

Friend’s son was bullied a few years back and she got in touch with an anti bullying organisation that has courses to help kids cope with bullying. Totally helped him and taught him how to deal with bullies.
These sorts of sessions are good because they also assure the bullied kids that they are not alone or different, don’t deserve to be treated this way and that bullies have their own weaknesses
Good luck

This is so so sad but I totally understand where you're coming from OP.

For fuck sake that first response. People on here are such dramatic imbeciles.

OP you do not NEED COUNSELING (six) NOW! As they so wonderfully put it.

I was horrendously bullied at school and I worried about it before I even had kids! I never want another living soul to endure the years of beatings and torture that I endured, let alone my own children.

My children are well aware of my worries and why, I’m very matter of fact about it and they know they can come to me, and how important that is. I also know the signs and will keep my eyes and ears open.

I don’t NEED COUNSELING NOW (sic) and neither do you. You’re empathetic for your daughters future because of what you went through.

"Counseling" is the US spelling, always looks wrong to me too :)

I also wouldn't say OP has to get counselling, but it really is good. I didn't think I was "bad enough" to need it until a crisis came along in my 40s, but I wish I'd had it earlier as it was extremely useful. Just laid to rest a lot of ghosts.

I don’t think you need counseling or that your fears are unfounded, OP. I was also bullied and have the same worries for mine. The thing I would try and focus on though is that there’s much more awareness of bullying and people’s rights these days. You’re empowered to deal with a situation, should it arise. And it might not.

This worries me a lot too My ds1 is 7 and tall for his age, so if he ever stuck up for himself he would be the one who gets in to trouble because he's an easy target for the teachers as well as the children.

There is so much in this world that I am terrified for my DD's about - what they will encounter and may have to face. There are so many things I can't protect them from all all the time, as much as I would like to.

What I CAN DO I raise them to be as strong, confident and self assured as I possibly can, so they know how to set boundaries and look after themselves.

When one of my children was about to leave nursery and start school, I remember a mother saying to me; "It's awful, it will all start now." When I asked what she meant, she said: "All the bullying and teasing and the nasty cliques." Her dd is now in Yr 9 and is a very happy, popular child. She hasn't been bullied at all.

Her mother, meanwhile, is still very nervous and anxious.

There’s some good books and support now for managing anxiety OP, honestly there’s a lot you can do, take heart. I’ve suffered a lot from anxiety too, I am over anxious with my children but they teach me joy too, just look at the smiles you can get from your small child now from simple fun interactions. They are the building blocks of trust, confidence and resilience!

It’s better to expose your child to the world to build their confidence and enrich their lives. Believe me, if you’ve experienced bullying you will be on the lookout for any signs and you will be able to nip anything in the bud. Try toddler groups first. You’ll need that to watch how other parents react, toddlers will be a bit mean, but we are there to guide them, talk to other parents and get a good support network and you can then chat about worries etc.

You’ll be fine!

The thought of my son going to high school had always worried me too. He’s been home educated since his last year of primary, not because I didn’t want him to go to high school, but that is a bonus.

In your position I would consider CBT therapy, my DSD’s Mum has social anxiety & this has been really damaging for her.

The issue is yours not your daughter’s, you need to be able to be a good role model for her as she grows up not pass your anxieties on.

Thank you for the replies. I know it’s my issue and not DD’s, but I don’t know how to stop this anxiety. I want her to be a confident, kind, happy child/teenager but my childhood was so different that I don’t know how to instil these values in her. I don’t want to make a mistake.

I will speak to my GP re counselling. My perspective has shifted since having DD and this is why my anxiety is so much worse. Perhaps counselling will help that before DD is old enough for it to affect her.

I think counselling could be really helpful.

Home schooling won't help her build social confidence at all OP.

What utter bollocks! School does not help built social confidence at all, it destroys it, if the child is bullied.

I had to pull my DD out of school to HE because she was so badly bullied. I could not let it continue to destroy her. She has come on in leaps and bounds since then. She goes to Air Cadets, Youth Club, Karate, HE meet ups. She is blossoming away from the bullies.

Also, I feel the need to point out, every time I talked during a lesson in school I got told 'You are not here to socialise'.

I don't have any words of wisdom, OP, just that I am exactly in your position, bullied horrendously for years and am trying so hard to let DD go to school and try to big it up. To be fair, I wasn't bullied at all until secondary school, so I can truthfully talk about how much I loved school while DD is still at primary. The thought of her going to a massive secondary school in the future (still years away, she's only 5) gives me the cold sweats.

If you find a way to deal with the anxiety over this, please pass it on. I'm already on antidepressants and have had multiple rounds of counselling over the years, I don't know what else a GP could do for me.

Coming from someone who attempted suicide at 14 because of bullying, I totally understand where you are coming from.

I'm hoping to raise my son to be a confident happy boy, who can also stand up for himself. I will also always be there for him to talk to it come to with any problems.

High school can be bloody awful. Best day of my life was when I walked out of those gates for the last time!

user I don't know if its been said, I am dashing in and out so haven't read the whole thread..

if you have had counselling already and it hasn't got to the core of your anxiety please consider EMDR. It works. I was cynical but it got rid of my very deep seated Complex PTSD.

Hopefully you won't need a long course.

Kids can be nasty. Teasing moving into bullying. I think the trick is how you respond to it. I am sure we have all had it. Laugh it off seems to work pretty well, if they get the expected reaction they will continue - no reaction, they will move on.