Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to worry about future bullying of my baby?

97 replies

Username863472 · 01/06/2018 11:18

I have a 18 month old DD and I’m terrified for her future. I had a horrific time at high school, I was bullied relentlessly and it’s hugely affected my confidence as an adult. I wouldn’t want anyone to experience the torture that I went through. I was teased about my appearance constantly, physically assaulted on numerous occasions, and threatened online. I’m proud that I made it through the other side, although I do feel it’s affected me mentally quite severely.

My DD is so small and has a long time before she goes to high school, but I’m petrified for her. I hope to god that she doesn’t experience any bullying, but when I imagine that this could be a possibility it’s like a knife through my heart.

I can’t protect her forever. All I can do is teach her to stand up for herself and not take any shit from anyone, but that’s going to be hard when I feel so damaged myself. But when I imagine anyone bullying her it almost feels like I’m going to go through it again myself. I don’t know how to prepare her for possible bullying. AIBU to feel so fraught and anxious about a situation that may never happen?

OP posts:

yeahforsummer · 01/06/2018 14:24

I think some kind of counselling would be helpful for you. Remember your DC are not you, I was bullied at school but both my DC are doing really well at school and despite being like me in some ways have had none of my school based issues.

waffleswithnutella · 01/06/2018 14:27

I was bullied and a bully at some point. I do worry about my son - we live in London and it's tough out there. I'm raising him to be confident and able to stand up for himself. I teach him to hit back but not to start trouble. I think if my mum had encouraged me to hit back and stand up for myself from young, I would have had much more confidence in myself during primary and early secondary. There's not always a teacher around and not everything happens at school. I'm also send my son to self defence classes so he's taught discipline etc but has the confidence to defend himself.

ravenmum · 01/06/2018 14:32

Laughing it off really does work, but when you're convinced, for example, that you are inferior to them and what they are saying is basically true, then it's hard enough not to burst into tears, let alone laugh. If anxiety was easy to control, all these counsellors would be out of a job :)

Of course OP is right that bullying is pervasive, and something her child will experience, though hopefully only to a minor extent. But being anxious years before it might or might not occur is extreme and something she could probably get help with.

CardinalCat · 01/06/2018 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StillNoClue · 01/06/2018 14:38

Instead of being anxious about it at this stage, maybe wait for her to develop as her own person. You may find that she becomes a confident outgoing person who attracts friends. Try and get her involved in social situations from a young age. So try different groups, encourage her to play in the park with other children. you may find it also benefits you.
Maybe handle things differently to how your parents handled your situation. Some children will be bullied (I was) and the majority go through the other side just fine.
Try to get her involved in groups and other things outside of school, so her whole life doesn't revolve around school. If she has other friends away from her class, you may find this helps with issues within the classroom as she does have other friends IYSWIM.
When she's older and If you feel bullying is happening, speak to her and allow her to change schools etc if she wants. Just be open to what she wants, but don't make her panic about being bullied. It may not even happen.
You really can't panic about something that might not happen in 13 years time. You mentioned counselling didn't help the last time, maybe try another councillor and mention that your worried about the future. They may have different approaches that the first one did.

Original poster

Username863472 · 01/06/2018 14:51

Cardinalcat - screw up my daughters life? Thanks. That really helps.

OP posts:

CardinalCat · 01/06/2018 15:13

It feels a bit like a self-fulfilling prophecy at the moment. And I am trying to help you, and I very much feel for you. My advice is that you get some proper help before this starts affecting your daughter badly.

JellyBaby666 · 01/06/2018 15:16

@TheFirstMrsDV I'm so glad to hear of someone else who has had EMDR and found it helpful - its changed my life. It's excellent for trauma, & bullying is absolutely a trauma! I too was skeptical but it was amazing - emotional, challenging and hard work BUT it worked!

SweetCheeks1980 · 01/06/2018 15:18

Are you ginger?

SweetCheeks1980 · 01/06/2018 15:19

@CardinalCat has it spot on.

speakingwoman · 01/06/2018 15:22

You have taken a great first step by thinking about it and recognising your own anxiety. Keep going xxx

JustDanceAddict · 01/06/2018 15:24

I was also bullied at school and did have concerns that my DC may experience it but they haven’t. Ok, there have been a couple of times when faced with ‘frenemy’ behaviour and mild teasing but nothing like what I experience. Bullying is dealt with very differently now and when I had to deal with it at the DC’s primary, the teachers were very on the ball (one was a racist comment and the parents were brought in).
I have to say my DD takes no shit off anyone! She’s quiet, but her peers seem to respect her!

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 01/06/2018 15:26

OP I do understand.

QuizzlyBear · 01/06/2018 15:36

My best friend suffers from severe anxiety and has done since I've known her (25-odd years). It has held her back from reaching her potential and it breaks my heart to see her talk herself out of opportunities, relationships and experiences over and over.

Worst of all - she has two beautiful daughters, one a baby and one 7. Sadly the 7 year old has started changing from an outgoing, bubbly child to one filled with insecurities, stress and anxiety, all picked up by modelling her behaviours on her mum. It makes me so sad to see the cycle continue and I know my friend is heartbroken to see what's happening.

PLEASE continue to seek counselling OP, and be very mindful of the fears you're passing on to your daughter. It would be tragic if the thing to cause her mental distress is not bullies but her own mother.

BuntyII · 01/06/2018 15:37

I know how you feel. I have a child with a physical disability. I sometimes think about children ostracising and making fun of him and it makes me very upset and angry.

But I try not to dwell on it. The best gift I can give him is resilience so I won't treat him with kid gloves. All I can do is try to give him every chance to grow into a confident and self assured boy.

Silvercatowner · 01/06/2018 15:40

OP you do not NEED COUNSELING (six) NOW!

It is 'sic' not 'six'.

TwittleBee · 01/06/2018 15:54

OP I really do feel for you on this, I am having similar feelings towards DS. But oddly it is also coupled with "what if he turns out to be a bully!". However, I think it is totally okay that you are feeling anxious about

your DD's experience in school and future in general, even when she is still so young. Seeing your DD so vulnerable and small is bound to make you think about wanting to protect her which has probably bought up your bullying incidents. It would probably do you some good to talk about your worries to someone in RL though, whether that be a counsellor or a relative/friend.

Just remember though, as other posters have said, that your DD isn't you and the environment she shall be growing up in shall be very different to the one you grew up in. With a strong mum like you, one who has lived through bullying and come out the other side, who shall love and protect her DD I am sure she shall grow up knowing just how special she is.

TheFirstMrsDV · 01/06/2018 15:59

Glad it worked for you Jelly
It really is amazing.

kateandme · 01/06/2018 16:14

this will only help if it makes you empathicly more aware for her.
if not this type of thinking may grow to hindering her growing up.youll put your fears onto her I have no doubt.
ive seen mums do this and they smother.or they fret and make the child anxious too.a child will follow you and learn from you and sense all you give off ad they grow up.if this fear is always in he back of their mind I garurentee your child will feel and see it in you.
you need to be able to come out a fighter and vow that whatever happens you and you dc will get through because you know you can.because your one hell of a strong team and no one or nothing will stop you.
worrying wont stop bullying.
anything you make you child do or behave like wont stop bullys.its the whole point of bullying.its ridiculous with no reasoning.
so all you can do is build you child to be happy enough to no themselves and no that they can get through.or come to mum if they ever need to.
those that hold onto bullys.or comments are those sensitive to a point it cant blow over them.help make her confident enough in who she is that anything can fly at her but she has a good chance of just batting it right off.

BigPinkBall · 01/06/2018 16:36

@Spudlet another ginge here, I was bullied relentlessly for my entire school career and I do worry about DD BUT her situation is totally different to mine.

When I started school I didn’t know any other kids and didn’t have any friends outside of school, whereas I’ve joined every baby group going to make sure DD has lots of friends, we live in a much more affluent area and I know it’s wrong to say this but I hope the kids are nicer because of that.

My parents didn’t believe the severity of my bullying and just thought it was a bit of teasing that I was exaggerating so never really did anything about it, however if dd says she’s being bullied I’ll be straight down to speak to the school.

Plus I think having red hair is a bit trendier now than when I was young, when it was seen as the worst thing imaginable.

ravenmum · 01/06/2018 17:12

When I started school I didn’t know any other kids and didn’t have any friends outside of school
We moved about a lot when I was little, a different primary school every year, so I never had any long-term friendships. My children still know friends from kindergarten; it's so different. I've only recently started to realise that there may be a connection between my childhood and my anxiety!

OP, my mother was also anxious but was unable to help me as she never tried to process her own problems at all. She couldn't interact with teachers as equals; her unprocessed paranoia made her see them as opponents, and she didn't see bullying as something unacceptable - to her it was just a part of life you moaned about but basically accepted. I was much more able to help my son: like you I was aware of the problem and ready to get outside help. I talked to teachers on an equal footing, discussing how we could deal with problems. It makes a big difference. Your self-awareness is a really good sign. And though you might still have anxiety, you are no longer a child; you have different means of dealing with problems, honestly.

(I also secretly told my son that if he was having an emergency I'd give him a day or two off "sick" every year. He knew that I understood what was going on and was on his side.)

Faerie87 · 01/06/2018 17:13

I have not read all of the thread so sorry if I am repeating something someone else has said, but I really do feel for you OP.

When reading your post I was in the same position when I was at school and it was awful. The thought of someone doing that to my kids...well it makes me want to throttle them!

When I was bullied I was to afraid to stick up for myself because as a child I had no filter (still don’t sometimes lol) but for example I used to get bullied because of my weight (I was a very skinny child) so I got called names like twiggy, anorexic and snapper. I did eat but was just naturally thin. I remember retaliating once as the boy who was calling me those names was let’s say on the big size, so I called him a name back (again I was a child don’t judge!) at that point a teacher walked in and heard what I called this boy and guess who got into trouble? They did not want to hear my side of it and it was incidents like that, that taught me I did not have a right to stick up for myself.

Looking back now I wish I had stuck up for myself and to hell with the consequences! I don’t think you could shield your kids from bullying but you can teach them that it is ok for them to stick up for themselves. Also if they have been in trouble with school listen to their side before drawing conclusions.

My step daughter got sent home from school once for writing a nasty message to one of her fellow pupils, it was pretty horrific what she wrote and she was in a lot of trouble. However when we spoke to her about it after the initial upset and tears from her we found out that the reason she did what she did to the fellow pupil was because she was getting bullied by her. No obviously two wrongs don’t make a right but we ended up taking about what to do if the she ever was in a similar situation and fortunately it’s not come up again!

One thing I have learnt is worrying about something that may never happen or that you can’t control is an absolute waste of your time and just try to enjoy your time with your child and cross bridges if and when they come up xx

Flip

1 2 3 4