AIBU to worry about future bullying of my baby?

[Username863472]

I have a 18 month old DD and I’m terrified for her future. I had a horrific time at high school, I was bullied relentlessly and it’s hugely affected my confidence as an adult. I wouldn’t want anyone to experience the torture that I went through. I was teased about my appearance constantly, physically assaulted on numerous occasions, and threatened online. I’m proud that I made it through the other side, although I do feel it’s affected me mentally quite severely.

My DD is so small and has a long time before she goes to high school, but I’m petrified for her. I hope to god that she doesn’t experience any bullying, but when I imagine that this could be a possibility it’s like a knife through my heart.

I can’t protect her forever. All I can do is teach her to stand up for herself and not take any shit from anyone, but that’s going to be hard when I feel so damaged myself. But when I imagine anyone bullying her it almost feels like I’m going to go through it again myself. I don’t know how to prepare her for possible bullying. AIBU to feel so fraught and anxious about a situation that may never happen?

You're projecting, it's dangerous, potentially as dangerous as the imagined future bullying itself. From the things you've said 'I look at her beautiful face...' you're already placing your child (in your head) in a victim role, this is also dangerous because children pick up on your fears and feelings very easily - you may think you're hiding all this from her, but you're not.

Please seek help for yourself, your daughter, as it stands, is not the issue here.

I was very badly bullied myself for many, many years, changed secondary school half way through due to it and was attacked at my new school. I had a bad bout of depression at 19 that can probably be traced back to those years however I am fine now (mostly).

My daughter is 2 and at nursery and she adores it, she is a sociable, bright happy girl and I do hope that she thrives at school as she is now. However in life we cannot plan or prepare for every situation and ultimately we will have to deal with whatever comes up when it does. I don't see how it helps my DD to fret over a hypothetical situation years in advance and I would hate for my worries to make her insecure. We are very much in favour of a school education for her and we will see what happens.

I think some counselling or some CBT or something would maybe help.

OP, you are using your strength and self awareness to identify that home-schooling and hiding away from social situations will not help her.
Having a child changes everything - because you had counselling before isn't a reason not to have ore, now that you are projecting your fears on to your child.

I am really sorry that you were bullied, a truly horrible experience. But try to remember that you were unlucky: though all kids come up against some teasing at some stage this does not generally translate into a campaign of bullying, and few children, not most, endure this.

This is controversial, and maybe not for you right now, but there has been research into enabling children to be develop skills to stand up to and deflect bullies - this is NOT saying it is the victim's fault, but can feel as if it is,so proceed with caution in your current fragile worry.

KidPower

I have a child (now teen) who is small, geeky and has a physical anomaly that is quite conspicuous - and they have not experienced any bullying. In a S London comp. It isn't a foregone conclusion.

I hope that you find a way through your anxiety, OP, it is understandable that you feel like this, any of us would be heartbroken to see our children treated as you were.

Please get help OP, the insecurities and paranoia you pass on will do more damage to your child than some imaginary future bullying.

Also the phrase teach her to stand up for herself and not take any shit from anyone is really worrying. You want here to be arrogant, agressive and defensive!? That isn't going to win her any friends. What you really want surely is innate self confidence, a positive and sunny attitude and a capacity to make and keep friends - by being interesting or funny or great to hang around. Having a strong social group and lots of fun and a thirst for knowledge/enjoying learning and loving school is surely a preferable option?

Being the kid in the corner who 'takes no shit and stands up for themself' would be fucking awful - it sounds like you expect the bullying but want them to fight it by standing up to it - rather than to go through life without it?!

Also sorry that you suffered, it sounds awful - but there is no reason why she would. Most people have a brilliant experience of school and social situations, there is no reason why she shouldn't if she is bought up to be kind and confident etc. Mostly being the victim of bullying is bad luck (and comes from shitty, badly bought up kids with their own issues and the unfortunate circumstance of being in their firing line) which hopefully she won't experience. I hope you can work it all out OP & face the future with positivity.

I worry about it, but I have to keep telling myself that DS is not me, and he might be fine. Unfortunately he inherited my red hair which is something many (stupid, unpleasant) adults feel comfortable with using as a feature to insult, never mind their equally stupid and unpleasant children. But sadly, such people will always exist. All I can do is try to equip DS with as many strategies as I can to deal with it, if and when it happens.

I came through - so will he.

I think you can always hold the possibility of switching to home schooling in your mind as a fallback, should bullying occur with your child, bullying that is not resolved effectively and to your liking by the school - rather than planning to do it from the get go.

I would say though my experience with my DS and DD has been that you just can't predict who will or won't be bullied. You might think one is likely to be and the other not and it ends up being totally the opposite. So it's entirely unpredictable and your LO might never be bullied at all so you've got to start on it from that basis of thinking, rather than assume she will be.

Obviously, even if not bullied, we still all of us child or adult have to deal with people who are difficult in some way or another. Aside from going back and asking for further help (possibly in another format that's more effective long term) for yourself, the best thing you can do is help your daughter to be able to advocate for herself, to have a strong sense of self, to be confident enough to say "Hey, don't talk to me like that" - do you know what I mean? That sort of assertiveness skills that we all need to have so as not to end up as a doormat or a victim.

You've got time to get yourself sorted and in a better place. But coming at this with the expectation that she will have a horrible time would not be the right way to go about it - what you don't want is to create a self-fulfilling prophecy, or her end up actually so timid because anxiety has passed from you to her so you've got to come at it from the right place.

God I hate bullying and bullies. It leaves life long scars.

So sorry OP. Just try and remember that your DD is not you, and her classmates won't be your classmates

Spudlet - there is nothing unfortunate about your red hair or your son's. It's unfortunate that some people are utter dicks about it

Look, you know you are BU about this right now. And if you let it get like this now, what's it going to be like later? This is simply not something you can control - clearly you had an awful experience, but that's the exception, not the rule, but you mustn't let it shape your child's life too.

I think you need help to overcome this worry, CBT could help. The book The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns (I think that's his name) is very good at addressing nagging worries and thoughts.

I experienced ongoing low-level bullying throughout secondary school, as I was always an unconventional child, and had almost no friends for my first 3 years there. DD, going up to secondary in less than 18 months, is similarly unconventional and yes, it's crossed my mind she's unlikely to have an easy time of it at secondary school, but I'm just not going to project any thoughts about that - it's out of my hands.

I was bullied atrociously at both primary and secondary school.
My daughter is an entirely different kettle of fish. She’s gutsy and confident and sticks up for herself when the need arises. I made sure I didn’t inflict upon her or let her be aware of my anxieties. In fact as she’s got older she’s made me more confident in myself.
I hate buses after a terrible humiliating experience when I was younger. I avoided them at all costs. Now we travel on buses together. She’s changed me for the better. Your little one is so young still. Make sure you socialise her well with other children and that you don’t allow your anxieties to get in the way of that.
Learning to stick up for yourself from a young age is fundamental as bullying doesn’t just happen in school years, it can happen in workplaces too. She’ll learn and she’ll be fine as long as you teach her to have confidence and faith in herself.

When I say unfortunate - I love my hair now, and I love DSs hair too. I think it's beautiful. I just think about school and think 'Gulp, wish you'd inherited the blonder genes, kiddo.' Doesn't help that our local high school has a bullying problem atm - they decided to bus kids in from the local, awful town, and they are eating the other kids that went to the little, gentle, rural primary schools for breakfast with no effective action being taken to stop it (the head is the issue, apparently). But it's a long time before DS goes and it's being taken over soon by a local academy with a great reputation so here's hoping they can get on top of it!

I really feel for you OP, I too was bullied.

I could kick myself for not standing up for myself and almost like taking it.

I wish I could go back and do exactly what I should have done, I’d beat their fucking heads in to within an inch of their life.

If that makes me sound “delightful” I really don’t care, NO ONE has the right to make me(or anyone) feel shit and worthless.

*and it almost being like I was taking it

I echo what previous posters have written. Please don't ruin those lovely exciting years when your DD is so young by worrying about something that might not even happen.

DD1 is a late summer baby, very small, quiet, studious and has worn glasses since the age of 2. I'm a teacher and, like you, was convinced she would be a target for bullies. But I was wrong (and I'm really pleased about that!) She went to a small village school where she could work with her intellectual peers in some areas and her chronological ones in others. She developed an inner confidence which saw her through a wonderful secondary school and is now completing her 1st year at Cambridge. She is still tiny (size 6 clothes are big!), still wears glasses, still works really hard, but she has an irreverent sense of humour, a load of wonderful friends and does not take herself too seriously.

Focus on now. Enjoy these precious years and please try not to worry about something that might not happen. Ensure she has some resilience but is also kind-hearted. And look for some help for yourself.

Totally agree with the comment above..

*You're projecting, it's dangerous, potentially as dangerous as the imagined future bullying itself. From the things you've said 'I look at her beautiful face...' you're already placing your child (in your head) in a victim role, this is also dangerous because children pick up on your fears and feelings very easily - you may think you're hiding all this from her, but you're not.

Please seek help for yourself, your daughter, as it stands, is not the issue here.*

These are YOUR issues. I don't mean to sound harsh but don't pass on any of this to your daughter.

My kids are both gentle souls, quiet and a bit geeky (like me) I'm trying to raise them to have more self confidence than I had, and to stick up for themselves.

I've also told them they are never to hit anyone first, but if anyone hits them they are to hit back three times as hard.

hi OP

I think the best defence against bullying is having a variety of safe places where you are known and liked.

So, for instance, my son had relationships with family members and other children on the street. This made the peer group thing less of a high stakes exercise.

You don’t have to do all the “mummy friends” thing. Anything you do to extend the circle of people you are relaxed around will really help her.

I wish you luck. I have broken a generational cycle for my son and it’s a great thing.

The biggest mistake I see is knee jerk defensiveness on the part of the parent. A parent who fakes confidence does better.

Oh and keep her away from social media

I do agree with pp about clubs away from school. We live 5-10min drive from school so there's no other kids from her school at her rainbow group. It's a good idea to have a wide circle of friends. Rainbows, gymnastics, swimming, karate clubs are a good idea to build confidence.
I don't think you should consider home schooling because you was bullied.

Home education is a better experience than high school anyway

Hahahahahahahaha

I would agree that you have a responsibility to gain more insight into how you may project on to her.

User i think your dd is in a very different position.
To start with, you will be able to teach her way to stand up for herself and build her self esteem way before anything might ever start.
But even if she been bullied, you will have been able to think ahead and say ‘ok if x and y happen, then I will do ’
That means your dd experience would be TOTALLY different than yours.

I would echo too that you need to be careful to not pass your anxieties to your dd. My mum has always been very anxious and has also been very self aware and trying hard not to let that coming out. And mostly she succeeded really well. But some stuff still seeped through and I’m dealing with some it now as an adult.

Spudlet my dd has never been bullied for having red hair and my baby boy also has ginger hair and I'm not worried about him. I think it doesn't matter what someone looks like, a bully will pick on someone for any reason because that's what bullies do. It's not unfortunate your son has red hair, so many people dye their hair red now and it's nice to be different!

I was bullied and I will never let it happen to my son ever.I do worry about it from time to time but he's only 4 so I try not to.
We teach him that he should never hit another child in anger but if he gets hit first he must hit back.Some people may think that thus is wrong but I feel that in thus day and age it's a must unfortunately