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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not allow my 11 yo DD to stay at Mixed sleepover

227 replies

GreenJanine · 31/05/2018 19:13

Year 6, best friend, but boys and girls invited they are only 11 and all sleeping in a tent overnight.

Others are allowed but AIBU?

OP posts:
LethargicButAwesome · 01/06/2018 15:16

Ynbu at all. Why risk something that makes you feel so uncomfortable? It's a life experience she will not be scarred for missing out on.

funinthesun18 · 01/06/2018 15:19

The reason I know lots of women would laugh is because that’s what happened when a group of girls deliberately tripped DS up and pinned him down at a party. For kisses.

Just imagine the responses a group of boys tripped a girl up and pinned her down for kisses. Angry The double standards really fucking pisses me off.

lostinsunshine · 01/06/2018 15:22

Why are some getting into high dudgeon boys always being blamed and mums of girls always blaming boys?
Unsupervised kids in a confined space all night (as I said before) is a no.
Nothing to do with demonising boys.

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/06/2018 15:24

Well i certainly wouldn't think it hilarious if my Dd did that. If it's any consolation.

Having heard what goes on at school I think a group of kids in a single tent is asking for trouble regardless .

Have one friend over for a sleep over. Maybe two. Phones left downstairs.

FatherMackenzie · 01/06/2018 15:38

I agree with @lost & @happy^^.

Don’t turn it into an “evil mums of girls are always demonising my boys” thing. See what I did there?

It’s 100% about keeping children, of both sexes, safe; for me and, I imagine, for most people who would object to a mixed sleepover.

And yes I am a mum of both a boy and a girl. So bore off with your “YOU ALL HATE BOYS” tantrums. It’s a ridiculous knee jerk argument. Nobody is demonising little boys on here as far as I can see. I’m not about to say I would be all for a mixed sleepover at this age, (I wouldn’t be), just so as not to offend another mum on here.

Bekabeech · 01/06/2018 15:56

I would say No too.
And not demonising boys, when I was that age I knew plenty of predatory girls (now I hate to think what was happening at home).
Even if all girls I would want adequate adult supervision. Year 6s can be quite nasty at times, and its easy for something to flare up.

My DDs wouldn't have wanted to go to be fair and would have been relieved I said no.

Noboozeforme · 01/06/2018 15:59

Depends on the children involved. My now 15 year old has mostly female friends and has been the lone male at many, many sleep overs. I've always been happy for him to go to or have the sleep overs here.

My older DS when he was younger teen? No way.

Happyandshiney · 01/06/2018 16:03

Well i certainly wouldn't think it hilarious if my Dd did that. If it's any consolation.

To be fair to the women involved got the point right away when it was pointed out to them that my very tall son has as much right to say “no” to their petite daughters as they have to him.

They understood why I was concerned and my son was angry. They were embarrassed that it hadn’t occurred to them.

They spoke to their DD’s who also understood and were very sorry. But up until that point they hadn’t been taught that “no means no” even when coming from a boy who is considerably bigger and stronger than you.

They had been taught about their own right to bodily autonomy but not his. They thought it was a game when he said no, even when he got angry.

And these are nice girls, from very nice families, who we have known for years.

And for clarity, I’m not advocating a “poor boys, always blamed and falsely accused by wicked girls” narrative here.

Because I’m pretty sure that almost every woman on this thread remembers having her skirt pulled up, bra pinged, backside pinched by boys in primary school and that just being the start of a lifetime of low level (and not so low level) assaults.

I’m highlighting my son’s vulnerability in this situation rather than his twin sister’s because we probably all know too well about that from personal experience.

The point is that at 11 years old some of the kids will be well into puberty and some will not. Some will be curious about the opposite sex and some will not. But they are all vulnerable.

All of them Girls and boys.

And as a parent I don’t put my children in potentially harmful situations they are not equipped to handle.

The “my child thinks the opposite sex are yuk/silly/boring” posters are unbearably naive. Because the fact that your child feels that way doesn’t mean that their peers do.

And kids go from “not interested” to “very interested” overnight - don’t you remember?

LightDrizzle · 01/06/2018 16:10

YANBU, larger groups are hard to manage. Dd1 had 3 girls sleepover once, they were a little bit older than this. The Christian fundamentalist smuggled in a bottle of vodka and I had a nightmare of a night with them. All “naice” girls at a private school, little bastards!
At 11, girls are often more precocious than boys of the same age, I don’t know why “boy” mums on here are assuming “girl” mums are only perceiving wicked boys as a threat. Girls can be sexually predatory.
I might agree if I knew the adults who were going to be present and was very certain they weren’t “cool” parents, and that they were reconciled to minimal sleep whilst vigourously policing the kids.

user1499173618 · 01/06/2018 16:48

Our local schools (including quite strict Catholic ones) have had prostitution on the premises issues for quite a while. “Nice” girls from UMC homes.

Ohmydayslove · 01/06/2018 18:05

Baffles me that this seems to be about demonising boys! It isn’t. I have 4 and 2 girls.

I wouldn’t allow this for all the reasons previously stated.

As Happy says they are all vulnerable at 11.

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/06/2018 20:33

I don't doubt for a moment that there's 11 year olds out there who are sexually very aware. And some who act on it. Loads of parents are completely shit and don't have a clue what their little darlings are up to.

So there you go, Tansy.

All it takes is one kid. Of course your child wouldn't do that - we don't doubt it for a second.

But one of the 'completely shit' parents' kids might.

Surely that's the point being made.

When my DC (girl and boy) are in year 7, they'll have been with the same group of kids since kindy (aged 3-4) - we know them all and we know their parents. So I can't see that I would have any issues with a mixed sleep-over.

However, for someone sending their child on a mixed sleep-over where there might be unknowns - how is it in any way good parenting to just blithely send them off...? That's the definition of 'shit parenting', isn't it?

My recollection of being a naive sheltered 11YO is one girl who asked everyone if they were still virgins (I didn't even know what the word meant, and as a result, said no - as did others!) and talked about sex all the time (looking back with adult understanding, I'm sure she can't have been in a good place), and one boy who went round feeling all the girls up.

Happyandshiney · 01/06/2018 22:37

Dowager the girls who cooperated to knock my DS to the ground so they could kiss him?

We’ve known them since they were 3 too. And I know all their parents...

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/06/2018 00:51

Well, exactly Happy - even when you know the kids and family (and are fairly confident they're not 'shit parents'), it can still go wrong.

I'm not the one rolling my eyes at people for being cautious, and saying 11YOs would never do that. How naive can you be?

I'm saying I'd probably be OK with it (it's 2 years away, at any rate - things might well change before then) under our specific set of circumstances, but also fully backing up other posters who wouldn't be OK with it.

AskAuntLydia · 02/06/2018 11:33

Baffles me that this seems to be about demonising boys!

It doesn't baffle me.

We live in a culture where any pointing out of the fact that most sexual assaults (including by children) are carried out by males on females, is decried as man-hating. It's easier to choose the relative luxury of worrying about your child being demonised than worrying about them being raped or sexually assaulted.

I'm not even sure what demonisation means in this context. I've seen posts here about inappropriately sexually curious girls who got themselves "reputations". That is actually real demonisation. Anyone with even a cursory awareness of child sexual abuse, will know that precocious sexual behaviour, acting out etc., is often a signifier that a child may be experiencing sexual abuse. Not always, but any such behaviour should raise a red flag. But in our culture, it results in "reputations". You want to talk about demonisation? That's real demonisation.

KappaKappa · 02/06/2018 13:01

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KappaKappa · 02/06/2018 13:04

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AskAuntLydia · 02/06/2018 13:06

Yeah cos that's exactly what I said, Kappa.

Hmm
KappaKappa · 02/06/2018 13:09

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AskAuntLydia · 02/06/2018 13:42

Are you seriously arguing that characterising victims of sexual abuse as slags with reputations is not demonisation?

And yes, if you think that being "demonised" for being a member of a group most likely to perpetrate sexual abuse, is the same as being demonised for having been sexually abused, then your priorities are seriously fucked.

And yes, I agree that it's right to be concerned about over-sexualised behaviour in a child of any sex.

But to pretend that girls are just as likely to be perpetrators as boys are, is simply wrong. The statistics are perfectly clear and I cannot see what the benefit is to either girls or boys, to pretend they're not.

Saffy60 · 02/06/2018 14:08

When My daughter was 15 she asked if she could camp with her friends. I knew they were all boys and said no. She sat me down and we had a chat.... She said we have all been friends for over 4 years, don't you think if we were going to do that we would find a way to do it anyway. A bunch of tents isn't going to suddenly change our relationships Mum we are friends. I didn't sleep that night but let her go. However if she was 11 - I really think I wouldn't have!!!

KappaKappa · 02/06/2018 15:45

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Wally1983 · 02/06/2018 20:07

No no no! By 9 we were playing spin the bottle and snogging in the park 😳..peer pressure is rife by 11 and there is no way i’d allow it.

My dss went to a mixed sleepover sneakily at 15, i figured it out pretty quickly the next morning and i messaged the mum and said i didn’t agree that she did that without parental approval, she couldn’t believe i had an issue with it!! She realised pretty quickly i did and apologised and contacted all the other parents who agreed with me. The parents were snooty know it alls and thought their daughter was an angel....she was anything but. (She went on to accuse 2 boys of rape..all lies and she was caught out after a month of investigation, those poor boys could’ve had their lives ruined!!!!)

Please folks protect your children from vulnerable situations that they wouldn’t know how to react, who to disturb if there was a massive problem etc

Iseveryusernametaken · 02/06/2018 20:36

I want to say that I would be fine with it and it would all be okay, but I'm a mum of an 8 yo who is fairly immature compared to some of her peers. Seriously, the year 3 school disco is a fashion show of mini skirts, handbsgs, make-up and professional hair do's. My DD is still unicorns and bunches! Some of the girls looked about 14. Goodness only knows what they'll look like and be up to at 11!

bonbonours · 02/06/2018 20:46

I would talk to the parents hosting about their plans. When my daughter had a tent sleepover for her 10th birthday, all girls, I did not go to bed until I knew they were all asleep. When it got to about midnight I said if they didn't shut up and go to sleep they would have to come inside. I also slept out in the garden in a separate tent. If the host parents are supervising in this way then I would not be worried even with a mixed group.

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