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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She makes me feel my daughter isn't my own! Do I confront her?

104 replies

Dinoraw · 31/05/2018 08:58

I Just want to say outright, this has hugely ruined my relationship with my daughter. Having ds with dp hasn't helped as much either. I love my ds to bits, as I do my dd. But ds and dp have had huge trouble bonding and it's making dp really depressed so I do everything for ds. He tries but ds screams, scratches himself and will scream on dp til he's back with me.

So dd situation. DP's nan. She lost her daughter, he lost his mum to an illness when he was 16. His nan is over all the time being inappropriate but that's a different thread. She really upsets me. Dp has gone mental at her before for it but she never listens.
So dd. When we learnt we were pregnant with her, she told us straight away to have an abortion.
So that really ruined both of our relationship with her. When dd was born she was straight over to the hospital. I wanted no one there apart from me and dp luckily she wasn't let in. So someone bought her over the next day without asking. She wouldn't give her back so I could breastfeed, nothing.

So dd is older now and she looks like dp. (who looks like his mum). And all I get when she's round or when we are out together is pushed out and to make tea. I get she wants time with her, but ds doesn't get a single look in. I feel sorry for my ds. No one bothers and if anything, he needs cuddles etc more. Dd is incredibly independent and doesn't want to be cuddled. Yet ds is always overlooked. I take on a lot of this, I always have him and now I never get time with dd. I'm fed up. All she wants is dp now. For everything. She doesn't want me.
Then his nan chips in. "oh look, she's all her daddy!" "Daddy girl" and my favourite of the lot "yes, you breastfed her. So obviously it was rocky with ds and dp. That's why their relationship doesn't work. You didn't breastfeed dd" (I wonder why I didn't breastfeed dd 🙄) an then "she's not your child. She's his"
I'm really getting pissed off now. We're going on a day out next week with the kids and he's invited her and I almost want to fucking not go. She pushes me out the way so me and ds are left on our own. I just wanted a day with my kids.
An now Christmas..
My mom is jetting off to Australia for her DP's job on boxing day. He wanted to fly Christmas day so she's made him move it to boxing day so she can see me and the kids. Nope. Now I found out dp has arranged to go to his families. Bear it in mind, they're horrible people, he doesn't feel like he fits in, neither do I. An now my mom after loosing her son will be sat on her own crying no one has bothered with her. I don't see the point of going over to his. It's a long way. We don't drive and have two young kids to drag around drunk people and no where to stay. I so desperately want to be with my mom. I addressed all this yesterday with dp. He won't do anything about his nan and what she says (he's chuffed with daddies girl) and told me I can't seperate our family to be with my lonely mom with no one else Xmas day. They have their family. Myself and my mom have no one else. I wish I could take ds and just stay with my mom. Dd doesn't want me now. I'm gutted

OP posts:

MrsDylanBlue · 31/05/2018 08:59

Sorry but your OP is really confusing

Original poster

Dinoraw · 31/05/2018 09:02

Basically DP's nan pushes me out with dd. Dp won't do anything about it.
His nan is all he has left, an now I'm stuck wondering what to do. It's ruined my relationship with dd. Having ds hasn't helped because dp won't do things for him as they struggle to bond. Dp does try but gets really upset as ds just cries to he's handed back to me. Dd has gotten used to dp being primary carer. So now all she wants is him. His nan isn't helping by her comments and pushing me out. I'm basically not going to have a relationship with dd now. I try when I have free time. But all dd wants is dp.

OP posts:

MissVanjie · 31/05/2018 09:03

This is really hard to follow, there are loads of non sequiturs

Did your dp’s nan really monopolise your dd to the point that you failed to establish bf at all? Did she come home from the hospital with you? Wtf

Of course you should be with your mum on christmas day if she has no one else, esp if (as you seem to be saying but it’s really unclear sorry) your brother has recently died. Sorry for your loss

SparklyMagpie · 31/05/2018 09:04

I'm another who's very confused

hidinginthenightgarden · 31/05/2018 09:05

You need to grow a back bone.
Take your kids to see your mum on xmas day, tell DH he can go where he wants. Tell Gran to back off, reduce contact and tell her she isn't welcome on your day out. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start standing up for your family.

Ivorbig1 · 31/05/2018 09:06

Can you mum join you with your dp’s family?
Sounds an awkward and frankly shitty dynamic, make a stand now because this will become the norm and you will resent it.

Original poster

Dinoraw · 31/05/2018 09:06

No. She didn't come home from the hospital with us. She had her daughter drive her to the hospital and they wouldn't let her in. So she drove her back and bought her the next day to us.
No. But she hindered breastfeeding hugely. She wouldn't go home. She always wanted to be around dd (she did kick off when I banned her from coming over when ds was born, she's holding that against me now) so she always wanted to hold dd. Dp has no backbone with her and as she most of the time wouldn't give her back, I had to give her a bottle.

OP posts:

Loraline · 31/05/2018 09:06

I don't understand why you're letting your dp make the decision about Christmas. You can see his family on boxing day or between Christmas and new year. Spend it with your mum

Original poster

Dinoraw · 31/05/2018 09:07

My mom wouldn't want to, which I can understand. She doesn't know them and she would feel awkward in his aunts house.
How do I stand up to this? If I say anything they'll all stick up for her and hound me essentially. I want to so desperately. But in my mind, dp made this commitment to me. Our children's happiness and my happiness should be a priority. Not his families anymore. A family that's bullied him all his life I should add.

OP posts:

Ivorbig1 · 31/05/2018 09:08

Agree with missv this is hard to follow.
Please clarify who died, did gran prevent bf in your mind?
These would be no deals for me. Your dp is the problem for not supporting you. All that creepy daddies girl shit is feeding his ego and infect he should point out how how your dd loves you both!

BillywilliamV · 31/05/2018 09:09

How old are these children? I think the words "free time" in the last post are key. Surely you should be prioritizing relationship with your daughter, not refering to it like its a hobby.

Original poster

Dinoraw · 31/05/2018 09:09

@loraine, exactly! That's what I said. It's because my mom came to us last year and he cooked. So now we have to go over there. Fuck this, I'm staying with my mom. They have their family. My mom will be sat there at home in tears wondering where she went wrong and why I didn't go over when she knows I don't want to be with his family.

OP posts:

PrettyLovely · 31/05/2018 09:09

Why is your partner struggling for a bond with your baby? Whats his issue?

RedDwarves · 31/05/2018 09:09

I also have no idea what is going on here.

MissVanjie · 31/05/2018 09:09

All dc go through phases of wanting one parent vs the other when they are small

My dd has always favoured her dad but that hasn’t stopped us having our own bond, in fact it helped her bond with ds when he came along, she had no jealousy whatsoever over him monopolising me when feeding etc, and they are now both best of friends and have always played together for hours on end, they rarely fall out. So there can be up sides too

I am sure daft comments are irritating to you, but in the nicest way possible so what? Just laugh or ignore. Here’s a woman who’s lost her own daughter. Can you imagine how that felt for her? Have a bit of fucking empathy op. She must love having a little girl to dote on again. You really begrudge her that? Cold

FASH84 · 31/05/2018 09:09

So nan makes snippy comments, you don't like DD being called daddy's girl (fwiw older people do this with lots of girls including me, who was exclusively bf) and feel nan makes too many references to DD being like her dead daughter. You want to spend Xmas with your mum (who you say is alone but also mention her DP??), he wants Xmas with his family, you hate them. DP is not bonding with baby son but is trying. Nan's abortion comment was out of line, so could be why you take her comments to heart so much, it makes sense to see your mum Xmas day if she goes away boxing Day, could you not go to DPs family boxing Day? Who do you usually spend Xmas with is it always your family? Your main problem in this seems to be poor communication with DP and not feeling supported by him, that's on him and you. Your OP is very confusing you need to keep things less rambly and focus on one thing at a time if you want to get across how you feel, why, and how that can change when you communicate to your DP or it is incoherent.

Wolfiefan · 31/05/2018 09:09

Perhaps start again OP. It's not clear at all.

Pandora79 · 31/05/2018 09:10

Not really sure what's going on, completely. You say Dp let's her do what she wants but also he has gone mad with her.

Regarding your dd, most kids go through a stage where they are all for one parent and then all for the other. It's normal. If your ds refuses to let anyone else do anything with him, then it makes sense she has gone all for her dad for the time being. How old are both kids?

You Are giving his nan far too much power. How often was she there that you couldn't breastfeed at all. Why did neither of you demand your baby back to feed? She just sat there and said 'no I don't care if the baby goes hungry?'.

NameyMcNamechangeface · 31/05/2018 09:10

How old are the kids? How old are you and DP? Everyone sounds very young.

All children go through phases of wanting one parent more/to the exclusion of the other.

Original poster

Dinoraw · 31/05/2018 09:10

It's not a hobby. I genuinely want the time with my dd. Dp won't bother with ds and he's 10 weeks old. By the time I get time when he goes down at around 6pm, I do the night time with dd and ill cuddle up with her and read to her, but she always just wants dp now. She's 18 months and has seperation anxiety to dp now so she will scream til she can see him.

OP posts:

TheHulksPurplePanties · 31/05/2018 09:10

Ok, so.. You have a DD and a DS. DD is older (how old) and DS is newborn. DS is very dependent on you, and your DD is very dependent on her Dad. You feel your DP's nan encourages this dependency. Breastfeeding is involved somehow.

Your mother is moving to Australia, someone has died, and you're discussing Christmas plans 6 months in advance.....

There seems to be 2 issues here....

OldHag1 · 31/05/2018 09:11

Does your DS have special needs or is he as clingy to you as your daughter is to her father?

If your DP doesn’t address the issue with his Nan it’s going to tear your family apart. He is allowing her behaviour and it’s killing your relationship with your DP and DD.

Do you never get time alone when it’s just you and the kids?

Loraline · 31/05/2018 09:11

You need to have a calm conversation with DP about Christmas. Don't make it about family, just your mum and how you feel. Get him on board with that plan and then you can tackle MIL. Everytime she goes on about it just say you already have plans. Don't get drawn in. No, we can't come to you, we have plans. No apology or discussion.

greengardenchairs · 31/05/2018 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Dinoraw · 31/05/2018 09:12

Ah! The dp situation is complicated. She has a dp, yes. He also has a wife who he isn't with but has to care for. She lives around 100 miles away. So he goes there. My mom is left on her own.
Sorry everyone. Its a big old mess and it doesn't make sense because I'm pissed off. Sorry everyone. Thanks for making some of it out x

OP posts:

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