She makes me feel my daughter isn't my own! Do I confront her?

[Dinoraw]

I Just want to say outright, this has hugely ruined my relationship with my daughter. Having ds with dp hasn't helped as much either. I love my ds to bits, as I do my dd. But ds and dp have had huge trouble bonding and it's making dp really depressed so I do everything for ds. He tries but ds screams, scratches himself and will scream on dp til he's back with me.

So dd situation. DP's nan. She lost her daughter, he lost his mum to an illness when he was 16. His nan is over all the time being inappropriate but that's a different thread. She really upsets me. Dp has gone mental at her before for it but she never listens.
So dd. When we learnt we were pregnant with her, she told us straight away to have an abortion.
So that really ruined both of our relationship with her. When dd was born she was straight over to the hospital. I wanted no one there apart from me and dp luckily she wasn't let in. So someone bought her over the next day without asking. She wouldn't give her back so I could breastfeed, nothing.

So dd is older now and she looks like dp. (who looks like his mum). And all I get when she's round or when we are out together is pushed out and to make tea. I get she wants time with her, but ds doesn't get a single look in. I feel sorry for my ds. No one bothers and if anything, he needs cuddles etc more. Dd is incredibly independent and doesn't want to be cuddled. Yet ds is always overlooked. I take on a lot of this, I always have him and now I never get time with dd. I'm fed up. All she wants is dp now. For everything. She doesn't want me.
Then his nan chips in. "oh look, she's all her daddy!" "Daddy girl" and my favourite of the lot "yes, you breastfed her. So obviously it was rocky with ds and dp. That's why their relationship doesn't work. You didn't breastfeed dd" (I wonder why I didn't breastfeed dd 🙄) an then "she's not your child. She's his"
I'm really getting pissed off now. We're going on a day out next week with the kids and he's invited her and I almost want to fucking not go. She pushes me out the way so me and ds are left on our own. I just wanted a day with my kids.
An now Christmas..
My mom is jetting off to Australia for her DP's job on boxing day. He wanted to fly Christmas day so she's made him move it to boxing day so she can see me and the kids. Nope. Now I found out dp has arranged to go to his families. Bear it in mind, they're horrible people, he doesn't feel like he fits in, neither do I. An now my mom after loosing her son will be sat on her own crying no one has bothered with her. I don't see the point of going over to his. It's a long way. We don't drive and have two young kids to drag around drunk people and no where to stay. I so desperately want to be with my mom. I addressed all this yesterday with dp. He won't do anything about his nan and what she says (he's chuffed with daddies girl) and told me I can't seperate our family to be with my lonely mom with no one else Xmas day. They have their family. Myself and my mom have no one else. I wish I could take ds and just stay with my mom. Dd doesn't want me now. I'm gutted

I thought they were 5-7 originally the way you were writing. They're both babies still, including the 18 month old who is not unusual to not be settling herself.
My DD is 21 months and DS 7 months so slightly older than yours, DD is all about DP a lot of the time and DS is breastfed and always wants me. Nothing you've said sounds unusual except your expectations.

DD runs to DP because hes not here all the time like I am so its more of a novelty and also he has more energy than me so will come in and be lively whereas I'm tired out from being with her all day! You need to make time for her if you're not already, hold DS if he won't go down and sit on the floor and talk to her while you play.
There is no reason why a 10 week old should be taking all your attention, he really just needs feeding and holding most of the time both of which can be done while focusing more on your DD, then get her involved when he's awake with songs and talking to them both.

You all sound extremely confused with major boundary issues.

Get a grip and sort yourself out

How many hours a day is she there to cause this much trouble to the extent you couldn't establish breastfeeding or a relationship with your DD?

If your DP is at work in the day don't answer the door or tell her to go away and repeat it until she does. Have her over once a week for Saturday afternoon tea or Sunday lunch repeat until she does what you want.

Separation anxiety is very normal for small children.

It's not unknown for a child to cling to the dad when a new baby is born and so reliant on the mum.

You are making all this into a huge issue when it's not. Her being clingy with her dad is normal. It will only impact your relationship with her, if you let it.

It sounds like you may need some help. Everything seems to be piling up (not surprising) and then you are making everything into a disaster.

You've got a demanding new baby and a small toddler. Your toddler is adjusting to not having their mum's attention all the time, so is looking to their dad more. You feel like you're a slave to DS.

This is all completely normal.

I really don't believe that your DP and his Nan are conspiring against you to take your DD from you, she will come back to you when your DS is less demanding and you have more time to give her.

Ignore the daft comments about BF etc, Nans can be like that ime.

Bless you OP. You sound like you're having a rotten time with two ever so young babies and a not exactly helpful DP.

Aside from the Nan issue, it's hard when LOs are all about the other person. One of mine did that for a while. I would truly ignore it (despite what Nan says) and say she's a Mummy's girl too. Maybe find a nice little thing you can do together, that you both do every day. She's nearly old enough for playdough, or have some special funny songs that only you sing to her that might make her giggle. The thing is you HAVE TO TRY MORE THAN ONCE, one trip to the park where she was not interacting doesn't mean she never will. That's why a little mummy and daughter routine would be nice. You'll see progress.

As for Nan, she's treated you unfairly, especially over BF. I'd have a response ready for every time she makes those 'Daddy's girl' comments e.g. "Well she was Mummy's girl earlier when we were playing in the sand, weren't you poppet?"

And from a Mum of three, who can push all my buttons individually and simultaneously, IT WONT BE LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME.

Oh and kick your DP up the bum for not having your back!

Xx

Your dp is not helping this at all is he?

I agree with Aeroflotgirl, she sounds like a nightmare. Why wouldn't she let your DP go to work? Does he work now? I'm not sure why this woman has been allowed to be involved in your lives to this extent?
I think you need to stand up for yourself.

18 month old toddlers are hard work and newborns are also hard work. Having both at same time is stressful and chaotic at times. And with your dp out of work too it sounds like a pressure cooker situation.
Firstly your dp needs to accept that he is a father of two regardless of planned or not or gender etc. His ds is here to stay.
He needs to help out more in regards being onboard with sleep issues ignoring your concerns is extremely dismissive of him.

If you felt more supported in own home and in parenting your children i bet you'd be less overwhelmed in general.
Your dp currently isn't supportive and doesn't sound like much more than a playmate for your 18 month old.

Time to start setting boundaries and routines get up and out with your dc plan a trip outdoors each day get out there with your dd even if it's just splashing in puddles. Take charge be assertive and don't give up on bonding with dd. Voice you concerns with dp "I want to sort dcs sleep issues I need you on board" repeat as necessary " I need help with ds can you bath/,change etc....him"

If dp tries handing a crying ds over offer suggestions on how He can soothe baby ie : "i'm busy here with dd, did you try him in his sling maybe he has wind have you checked his nappy. " Don't give in and become the default parent!

"she most of the time wouldn't give her back, I had to give her a bottle."

FFS, you seriously allowed a considerably older woman to regularly keep hold of your own child, to the extent that it actually prevented you from successfully breastfeeding? Fucking hell, a pp is right; you really do need to grow a bloody backbone. You sound like you're fourteen or something.

Nope. Now I found out dp has arranged to go to his families. Bear it in mind, they're horrible people, he doesn't feel like he fits in, neither do I. An now my mom after loosing her son will be sat on her own crying no one has bothered with her.

Then tell him no, that you are going to see your mother. It's pretty simple. Also, stop spending so much time with people you don't like.

I don’t understand why your DH is home with your DD 24/7? Why is he not working, looking for work, doing something useful?
I realise their seem to be boundary issues with the Nan but she also seems to be used as a scapegoat for many things. Couldn’t breastfeed a child as she would hold her? Just take her back FFS. Don’t ask, tell and physically remove her. It seems you have been part of the problem.

DM has a DP. They are moving to another country together on Boxing Day however can’t spend Xmas together as DP is a carer for his wife. So how’s the wife going to cope from Boxing Day onwards while DP is on a plane and then living across the other side of the world? Makes absolutely no sense.

There’s pretty not much you describe about your set up that is not plain weird. Try and open your eyes to see this, pull up your big girl pants and change things into what would lie within normal parameters. If your DH doesn’t want to get onboard then drive off without him.

One, I'm not 14. I have anxiety/depression. Do not like confrontation and I do not like being hounded by their bloody family when I'm in my own for having a backbone.
I admit i should have stuck up for breastfeeding dd. But I did not feel comfortable, I had no privacy and she did lead me in to pnd due to not leaving us alone. I did not bond with dd because someone else always had her and when I asked for her back. She also did threaten to report me to social services if my home wasn't clean for my child. So most of my time with dd as a newborn was spent cleaning with her popping in. No one backed my corner. I am on my own with this because dp is of absolute no help. I'm going through enough without a family or horrible people on my case constantly.
An it doesn't seem like dp will help me in any case.
She refused to take him to apprenticeships because she had to drive him. For him, no money, no driving. An no biking as they lived in the country and it was miles out from jobs and no buses.

so you have a dp problem. Why did you have another child with him?

I didnt exactly choose to. We were using contraception and being really careful. I was bleeding nearly every month which is normal for me, (pcos).
It wasn't until I had a horrific pain thinking a cyst was ruptured I went in and learnt I was nearly 6 months gone.
Ds completely unplanned. I don't want to say not wanted because I adore him. We did not plan another child soon.

I have severe anxiety myself and would have no reservations whatsoever about telling a pushy nan to fuck off, especially if I felt she was interfering with my parenting.

She needs to come around less. You need to stop letting her in. You also just need to ignore her bullshit, and crack on with doing things your way.

Are you quite young? I get that impression.

This sounds really hard, no wonder you are struggling. And I'm so sorry you had to go through the suicide of your brother on top of it all, I can only imagine how devastating that is.

Have you told any of this to the health visitor? Or a GP? Could you tell them how you are feeling, your concerns over dd even avoiding eye contact with you, the way NIL threatened you with social services in the past and got in the way of you bonding with dd?

It sounds like the key thing is you getting more comfortable with standing up for yourself and setting boundaries with DP and his family, and it sounds like you could really use some help with that. It's no good all of us saying "You need to grow a spine!" when what you need is some coaching in spine-growing and some support to actually do it.

Please talk to the HV or your GP about counselling, even all the issues with your children and DP and his nan aside, the experience with your brother may have affected you so that it's extra-hard to cope with your already difficult life. Counselling could give you someone to help you get through that and also learn how to set boundaries and be firmer with your DP's messed-up family dynamics.

Why are you letting her dominate and determine your bond or parenting?

If a relative tried that to me I would immediately stop it and put them straight.

I agree speaking to hv or go about accessing help/counselling which will ultimately help you find your assertive self.
You are dds parent you are in charge and while it is unfortunate bf was not established with dd due to lack of support its time to let that go and concentrate on being the parent you want to be now.
If your dp doesn't support you or undermines your parenting it might be time to reassess the relationship see if he's willing to attend counselling and parenting courses.
Create some distance between you and his interfering nan. Be busy cut short her visit if any bs starts " ok naptime " ok we're heading out see you another day " practice being firm and standing up to her as chances are you dcs will need to learn to do same!

You have been posting about your situation for several months now. Has anything changed for you in that time?

Why are you letting her dominate and determine your bond or parenting? If a relative tried that to me I would immediately stop it and put them straight.

Maybe because the OP isn’t you. If she could do all that she wouldn’t need to post on here, would she?

OP, you have a DP problem. You’ll have to sit him down calmly and talk about all this. How he responds will give you a clue about what to do next.

I get that you have anxiety issues but people with anxiety still manage to parent effectively. In all your posts you come across as very childlike with no power and no authority. Until you actually believe that you are the power and authority for your children nothing in your life will change. You are the parent and the adult. So stop allowing people to boss you and your family around.
I know it’s tough, even more so having 2 kids under 2. Your dds issues are most likely her anxiety about the new baby. Speak to your health visitor, get help, ask for advice.
Regarding threats of social services, ignore these. This is said to scare and manipulate you. If you are decent mum (which it does sound like you are) they will not get involved. And unless you were living in squalor they would not bat an eye over a house that’s a bit messy and not terribly clean. Seriously, that is not what they get involved with. If the Nan threatens that again, laugh at her and tell her to go for it. They can spot false reporting a mile off!
Start standing up to your dp/his Nan today. I’m not talking about being rude or aggressive. Just firm and assertive. Come on, I know you can do it!!

I really feel for you and have been in a very similar situation. It was horrendous and I didn't have the adoring second child until DD was 4. People do play it down and call it normal but when you're in the situation and it's ongoing, you can tell that it isn't.

I waited it out and by the time she was school age, my DD had discovered there were ways I was useful to her that her dad was not. Games I could play and special times together that only she and I could have. I did have to explain to my DH that it was vital she had a bond with me (as the same sex parent) and he had to support it by taking himself out of the picture. (He still prefers to be adored by his girl than tolerated by toddler DS though!)

Looking back, I'm not sure that I should have waited so patiently. It might have been worthwhile taking DD away for a holiday on my own and devoting myself to her for a week or two. It would have given her that chance to take a second look at me and break out of the avoidance habit. Yes, it would have been upsetting for her to have been away from her dad, but that crucial mother-daughter bond would have been restored at an earlier stage. And if the divide risks breaking the family apart, surely it is a kindness to hot-house the connection.

Ignore his nan. She sounds toxic. Forget about the Christmas fiasco. The only thing of real importance is your children's security and emotional development. To prioritise that you need to ignore the white noise.

If you were to take your daughter away for a holiday, don't take your mom. If your DD adores her, you won't get a look in