She makes me feel my daughter isn't my own! Do I confront her?

[Dinoraw]

I Just want to say outright, this has hugely ruined my relationship with my daughter. Having ds with dp hasn't helped as much either. I love my ds to bits, as I do my dd. But ds and dp have had huge trouble bonding and it's making dp really depressed so I do everything for ds. He tries but ds screams, scratches himself and will scream on dp til he's back with me.

So dd situation. DP's nan. She lost her daughter, he lost his mum to an illness when he was 16. His nan is over all the time being inappropriate but that's a different thread. She really upsets me. Dp has gone mental at her before for it but she never listens.
So dd. When we learnt we were pregnant with her, she told us straight away to have an abortion.
So that really ruined both of our relationship with her. When dd was born she was straight over to the hospital. I wanted no one there apart from me and dp luckily she wasn't let in. So someone bought her over the next day without asking. She wouldn't give her back so I could breastfeed, nothing.

So dd is older now and she looks like dp. (who looks like his mum). And all I get when she's round or when we are out together is pushed out and to make tea. I get she wants time with her, but ds doesn't get a single look in. I feel sorry for my ds. No one bothers and if anything, he needs cuddles etc more. Dd is incredibly independent and doesn't want to be cuddled. Yet ds is always overlooked. I take on a lot of this, I always have him and now I never get time with dd. I'm fed up. All she wants is dp now. For everything. She doesn't want me.
Then his nan chips in. "oh look, she's all her daddy!" "Daddy girl" and my favourite of the lot "yes, you breastfed her. So obviously it was rocky with ds and dp. That's why their relationship doesn't work. You didn't breastfeed dd" (I wonder why I didn't breastfeed dd 🙄) an then "she's not your child. She's his"
I'm really getting pissed off now. We're going on a day out next week with the kids and he's invited her and I almost want to fucking not go. She pushes me out the way so me and ds are left on our own. I just wanted a day with my kids.
An now Christmas..
My mom is jetting off to Australia for her DP's job on boxing day. He wanted to fly Christmas day so she's made him move it to boxing day so she can see me and the kids. Nope. Now I found out dp has arranged to go to his families. Bear it in mind, they're horrible people, he doesn't feel like he fits in, neither do I. An now my mom after loosing her son will be sat on her own crying no one has bothered with her. I don't see the point of going over to his. It's a long way. We don't drive and have two young kids to drag around drunk people and no where to stay. I so desperately want to be with my mom. I addressed all this yesterday with dp. He won't do anything about his nan and what she says (he's chuffed with daddies girl) and told me I can't seperate our family to be with my lonely mom with no one else Xmas day. They have their family. Myself and my mom have no one else. I wish I could take ds and just stay with my mom. Dd doesn't want me now. I'm gutted

Sorry, nan not MIL.

It actually comes across as you are generally unhappy and putting all the blame at the nans door.

It's because my mom came to us last year and he cooked. So now we have to go over there.

That would be the fair thing to do. DH & I have to do one Christmas with my DP's and the next with his. That's just the way things go.

as she most of the time wouldn't give her back, I had to give her a bottle

Grow a backbone fgs.

Tell your dh you are NOT visiting his family on Xmas Day and if he goes, it's alone.

If you feel your relationship with your dc isn't where it should be, resestablish it. Arrange a day out with dd and leave dd with dh...if ds has attachment anxiety then he'll cry when you leave but so be it.

If your dh's nan tries to push her way in to your time with dd, tell her firmly it's special time for the two of you only and she can't come.

Standing up for yourself is not easy, but being bulldozed is not easy or haply either.
Nothing changes over night, you have to sow the seeds.... “deary, I know your family is important to you, my mum is to me...” work out what you want this Christmas and then work out what you would except and start talking!

Unless I'm missing something here, I think it's time to put your big girl pants on. If your dp's nan is running rough shot over your life, put a stop to it. Don't let her in or only let her in for half an hour then make her go. She isn't a witch with magical powers. She can't vapourise you.

If she comes round and is annoying your dd, and your dd else where. If she says there is an issue to do with breastfeeding, tell her to not not talk such rubbish.

Maybe your dp should be able to make a stand or maybe he doesn't have a problem with her behaviour.

Right so your mum will be alone on christmas in part because her boyfriend is married?

I see

Please re-write so people can understand your posts are barely legible or able to be followed.

Being with your DM on Christmas day, a day before she emigrates, is obviously where you need to be. Either with or without your DP and DD /DS. Could Dp take DD and you take DS?
It sounds as if you have a lot of angst around your partners Nan. I think you need to take back the control here. The children and yours and your DP's only. It's lovely they have a relationship with other family members although maybe his Nan's grief at the loss of her daughter is still very very raw and she sees a lot of her daughter in yours.
Just a suggestion but could it work if you suggested a particular day for Nan to be with your DD? As for everyone's relationship with your DS, no suggestions I'm afraid but I bet things will change once he's older

My relationship with dp is so so strained. It's on a thread in my opinion. He is just happy and content.
I get no help because I don't 'ask' for him to do the washing up for example.
He's always going for long baths and I'm left to look after two little ones on my own with different needs. Including dds seperation anxiety so she will just scream when he's away, which unsettles ds. I try so so hard to comfort her, play with her, she doesn't want it. I've watched Moana about 9 billion times in the past week but I do it for her for the one time during those hour and a half she will come and lean on me and I can put my arm around her and love her. She has become very dependant on him. My alone time with them apart from when I take them out (like I wanted to next week now his nan is involved) is just hard to control for me. I understand her seperation anxiety. But it's a constant juggle as they're so young still. There's never time for me to just sit and play with them because she wants dp and as ds is so young, they have different needs entirely.
Ds was not planned and our contraceptive completely backfired. I didn't find out for a long time. I'm really struggling with it all to juggle both when I feel like it should be done with ease

Drama and confronting people won’t work, it just feeds more drama and (sorry bit) you all sound a bit like you live for that sort of thing.

Just be firm but pleasant

Fwiw having young children it’s important that you establish a precedent of not dragging them around pillar to post at christmas to please others. Why not see your mum christmas eve and his family boxiing day and have christmas day alone with your dc letting them play with their toys?

@Pandora79

It actually comes across as you are generally unhappy and putting all the blame at the nans door.

^ this

Also before we had space to host everyone we alternated Christmas and boxing days with each other's families, lots of people do it's fair. I mean this in the nicest possible way but it's not DPs family's fault your mum is in a relationship with a married man. If he is just his ex wife's carer your mum would be welcome with him surely? But you refer to her as his wife, not ex wife... I also don't think you can blame nan for not BF, you just say I need baby back now I need to BF. It sounds like you feel guilty about not BF (which you shouldn't btw) and blame nan. Nan is essentially mum to DP she raised him in awful circumstances and is probably a bit clingy because of this, however it seems DP wants this level of contact. You say he tries to bond with DS but then that he never bothers, which is it? Also if things were so awful with this dynamic and DD why did you have another baby so quickly?

Tell the nan to butt out

Go see your mum for Christmas

Take your DD for a gun afternoon out and leave DS at home with partner so he can't hand him back. They will never form a bond if your partner just hands him back when he is upset

*fun

That's the thing. Maybe he is happy with it all.
I really feel recently he doesn't value me at all. I feel like as pp said above. The family life is breaking apart hugely.
I did say I'd take ds to my mom's for Christmas and he could take dd. But no. I'm splitting the family up apparently.
His reason behind going over, I can't argue with. We don't know how many Christmases his nan has left

I understand, I think.

Your DS is very, very tiny. And really your DD is as well - still just a baby. I'm not surprised you're feeling overwhelmed.

Your partner's history is also very sad. He lost his mum as a teen, and has been left over-reliant on his nan. It's normal to struggle with a ten week old and a toddler - probably even more normal if you don't have a great family history.

So. Two problems. Overbearing nan (your Nan-In-Law). And Christmas. Your DP argues that it's his nan's 'turn'. But your mum will be away from Boxing Day, and alone on Christmas Day if you don't see her. You're right - the 'turns' need to be flexible this year. Get DP on board.

Overbearing Nan-In-Law is a whole other thing. Read the MIL threads. This is a DP problem, not a NIL problem. I can see why it's so hard to deal with though, given his difficult start in life. Appeal to him as the father of a new little family - and it's still very new. Try to make him see himself as a parent, not a grandson.

You complain about the children having favourite parents but then want to split them up at Christmas? Also is your mum emigrating or just going on a trip?

Hi OP. I understood what you said. The main issue seems to be that you are not standing up for yourself. Dp and his nan seem to rule over all decisions and you have allowed it to go as far as not breastfeeding your dd even though it seems you wanted to. Speak up for yourself. Make decisions jointly with your dp.

I'm not for the drama. His nan was ill recently and I was the first there at the hospital because her family didn't bother. I care for her deeply. I just don't like her comments and I don't like the fact she has to push me out and make me feel like I'm not included. I don't like how she refuses to even hold ds. I don't like she has to impose.
Dp bothers with ds. But hands him back as soon as he cries. Regardless I'm changing dd etc. He will hand him back and grab her.

Whats his issue? Have you asked him why he treats your ds like this?

It’s very confusing.

How will your mums partners wife cope when he moves to Australia?

You have a DP problem. He needs to be sharing care for both DCs. The idea of Christmas Eve at your mum's and boxing Day with DPs family and Christmas Day at home is a good one. How old are you and DP? Can you do more activities with DD play with her favourite toys etc? DP has to look after DS in this time no excuses even if he cries. Maybe he can take him to see nan while you either an hour or so with DD?

I did say I'd take ds to my mom's for Christmas and he could take dd. But no. I'm splitting the family up apparently

You will never have a relationship with your dd if you play favourites and take one child with you for Christmas...this would be a very bad idea and your dh is right on this.

I don't think anyone is moving to Australia I think it's just a business trip he's taking his girlfriend on and leaving his wife at home