She makes me feel my daughter isn't my own! Do I confront her?

[Dinoraw]

I Just want to say outright, this has hugely ruined my relationship with my daughter. Having ds with dp hasn't helped as much either. I love my ds to bits, as I do my dd. But ds and dp have had huge trouble bonding and it's making dp really depressed so I do everything for ds. He tries but ds screams, scratches himself and will scream on dp til he's back with me.

So dd situation. DP's nan. She lost her daughter, he lost his mum to an illness when he was 16. His nan is over all the time being inappropriate but that's a different thread. She really upsets me. Dp has gone mental at her before for it but she never listens.
So dd. When we learnt we were pregnant with her, she told us straight away to have an abortion.
So that really ruined both of our relationship with her. When dd was born she was straight over to the hospital. I wanted no one there apart from me and dp luckily she wasn't let in. So someone bought her over the next day without asking. She wouldn't give her back so I could breastfeed, nothing.

So dd is older now and she looks like dp. (who looks like his mum). And all I get when she's round or when we are out together is pushed out and to make tea. I get she wants time with her, but ds doesn't get a single look in. I feel sorry for my ds. No one bothers and if anything, he needs cuddles etc more. Dd is incredibly independent and doesn't want to be cuddled. Yet ds is always overlooked. I take on a lot of this, I always have him and now I never get time with dd. I'm fed up. All she wants is dp now. For everything. She doesn't want me.
Then his nan chips in. "oh look, she's all her daddy!" "Daddy girl" and my favourite of the lot "yes, you breastfed her. So obviously it was rocky with ds and dp. That's why their relationship doesn't work. You didn't breastfeed dd" (I wonder why I didn't breastfeed dd 🙄) an then "she's not your child. She's his"
I'm really getting pissed off now. We're going on a day out next week with the kids and he's invited her and I almost want to fucking not go. She pushes me out the way so me and ds are left on our own. I just wanted a day with my kids.
An now Christmas..
My mom is jetting off to Australia for her DP's job on boxing day. He wanted to fly Christmas day so she's made him move it to boxing day so she can see me and the kids. Nope. Now I found out dp has arranged to go to his families. Bear it in mind, they're horrible people, he doesn't feel like he fits in, neither do I. An now my mom after loosing her son will be sat on her own crying no one has bothered with her. I don't see the point of going over to his. It's a long way. We don't drive and have two young kids to drag around drunk people and no where to stay. I so desperately want to be with my mom. I addressed all this yesterday with dp. He won't do anything about his nan and what she says (he's chuffed with daddies girl) and told me I can't seperate our family to be with my lonely mom with no one else Xmas day. They have their family. Myself and my mom have no one else. I wish I could take ds and just stay with my mom. Dd doesn't want me now. I'm gutted

I completely get that. But their relationship has never ever been a good one. I'm on his nans side actually for this. She had him out of care when he was put in and looked after him. He does owe her everything.
He doesn't get on with her and holds things against her. She wouldn't let him go to jobs (they lived in the middle of nowhere and she wouldn't drive him to apprenticeships etc) wouldn't let him make a rugby career when his teacher told her to take him.
He said last week he would be more upset if my mom died than his nan which I found disgusting after all she's done for him. She's done more than enough. She's done things differently to what I would have if it were me, but I can't change the past for him.
It really went down the drain with how she is with me. My brother killed himself and I found him. She asks me questions that are inappropriate about it. Like "what did he look like" knowing fully well I have ptsd from it.
She told us to get an abortion and dd was a mistake. Knowing fully well we had been trying for a while for her.
She doesn't think, which I guess, isn't her fault.
He's trying to do the best thing but you're all right, it is a dp problem as well as her comments.
He won't stand up for me or put us first

OP are you saying your DP grandmother wouldn't hand your DD back to you so you could breast feed her, so you switched her to bottles so that The grandmother could feed her instead of you?

I want to address the 'favorite thing'
Dd has seperation anxiety to dp.
Ds is very reliant on me as he's well.. A newborn. Although it'll be different in 6 months time. My dd loves my mom. She adores her. I want to take them both. Not a select one. But dp doesn't want me to take both as his family want to see dd. Not ds. Which I don't like. In reality, I don't want my family split up. I really don't. Brother and sister need to be together an I want to see both my kids play with their toys etc Christmas day. My mom wants to see them both Christmas day. But he always Insists even if we split up, he doesn't know how dd will cope without him so he would "have to take her"

DP failing to bond with DS ... Blah blah incoherent blah ... Here's me thinking ok well that's a problem ... And then it's slipped in he's 10 weeks old .. More blah blah blah ... Sorry I give up ... I'm sure people with immense patience and powers or perception will be along soon ... Threads like this are a waste of time ...

I do. I take them to soft play etc everything. Ds can't get involved obviously but as soon as I go to leave dp with ds to watch while I have time with dd, it's pushed aside and he goes past me. I tell him I want to play with her but he won't get out to look after ds.

I agree with PP, time to put your big girl pants on. Stand up for yourself and your children. You don't have to be rude to do this, just be firm.

I don't understand the whole NIL not giving you back DD so you could establish bf, she's YOUR daughter, I don't get how you allowed that to happen tbh.

I am very sorry about your brother

Have you had any counselling? Your dc are young and close together in age, that is hard. Your thoughts are (sorry again) not coming across massively coherently.

I think you need someone you can talk to irl. I don’t want to do the internet diagnosis thing but you don’t sound very well.

"He'd have to take DD" wtf, tell him he'd have to give up work or pay for childcare, no more bloody long baths ever again. Tell him to get to fuck. Go and stay with your mother and don't listen to anymore rubbish from DP about your DD, she's still a baby and needs her mother not a Disney dad.

he doesn't know how dd will cope without him

Your DD is 18 months and you have a 10 week old DS, her attachment to your DP is totally normal at this point. I have a similar age gap between my 2 and DS was very attached to DH when DD was a newborn. It's normal, and I don't think it's anyone's fault. Give her a few more months and she'll be more attached to you, give her a few more months after that and she'll be attached to your DP again, a few months later she'll have separation anxiety if you make her give back a dirty kitchen sponge. You're reading to much into it.

I think your issue here is your dp!

It's May and a lot could change before December.

Does your dp work? Does your dd have time away from her dad?

I would start with little steps. Maybe take your dd out for a little walk round the block and chat to her. Build in a little time just the two of you so that he can spend time with your ds and you can't just pass them back because your close by.

It is really difficult but it's only going to change if you both choose to. I think it's worth having a frank conversation with dp about how to make this even rather than giving in.

Fix that and then think about how to organise Christmas.

All of this comes back to DP problems

Can you talk to your health visitor? I assume you're on mat leave. This is the time you can bond with dd, unless dp is also always at home. Have you got ds into a routine? You could take dd to soft play for an hour without dp and ds.
18mo is very young and most kids will favour a parent. It requires the favored parent to reinforce the idea of having other parent do things. But I don't think your dp wants this. Can you talk calmly together about your worries, or does it descend into a fight?

OP, I think you have a young baby, a toddler and a rubbish DP and it's getting to you. It sounds like you're not coping and have a lot of anxieties. Could you be suffering from PND?

I don't believe the bond with your DD is genuinely damaged, but I believe you feel that way now because you are overwhelmed.

Can you speak to someone about getting help? That will help you put things in perspective.

Don’t be hard on yourself, a 10 week old and an 18 month old is never going to be done with ease. It’s bloody hard work, you’re tired and stressed and have PTSD. If it’s any consolation all of my children have been through phases of being glued to one of us. I remember sobbing my heart out about my DD age 2 as she really seemed to dislike me. But fairly soon they go the other way, she’s now a mini me. The arrival of a new baby can also bring some difficult behaviours in older children but it doesn’t always last.

You must start trying to stand up for yourself from now on. Start small, say no to things. You have an equal say in the household and you must put your foot down. Tell your DP that your mum is emigrating and you and the children will be spending christmas day with her this year, despite it being his family’s “turn”. You must try to have confidence in your own opinions and needs.

Your dp nan sounds overbearing and intrusive, I think she is living through your dd, because she looks so much like her daughter who died. YOu need to sit down with your dp, and have an honest and frank discussion. You need to put boundaries in place, and mabye see less of her, so that your dp takes the kids to see her. It is not fair that your ds is getting lesser treatment from her, that is not on, this needs to be addressed. Your dp needs to bond with his ds, he needs to do things with him take him out, so excuse that he is a mum's boy.

This is a dp problem more than anything else. You and your do need to start creating your own family unit where dp spends time bonding with ds and you have some fun time with dd. Days out need to be about you both and your new little unit.
His nan needs to just wait for you both to adjust as parents to two very young kids. Keep visits short for now until the separation anxiety in both dcs is under control.
Your dp needs to step up and parent ds. No more handing off ds if he crys because frankly babies cry that's just a fact.

All is not lost in regards your bond with dd she is still very young and is adjusting to a new baby in home too. She's 18 months old so don't take her tears for daddy personally. Involve her in caring for ds, praise her for simple little things being gentle with ds etc....Make her feel like she's mommy's best little helper.
As for Xmas put that on the back burner for now it's not worth the argument for now. As a new family unit you'll need to start own family traditions. Xmas at home and inviting others to visit on different days.

It all sounds awful, but there's no need to plan Christmas in May. Just say that you will sort it out nearer the time. It's one fight you don't need to have right now.

With the ages you've mentioned I would really try and stop worrying so much about these attachment issues. Saying you'll never have a relationship with dd is just ridiculous - she's 18 months old! (I don't mean that to sound harsh, I know you're upset and this is worrying you a lot, but from an outside perspective it seems ott).

You need to sit down and have a proper conversation with dp about all of this - how time is split so you get a break too, him not needing to be told to do the washing up, strategies for dealing with ds and dd if they are upset. He needs to learn to cope with ds if he's upset (although at 10 weeks I wouldn't be all that worried about him just wanting you at this point). Dd having a closer bond at the moment with dp seems totally normal, but it will change and things will become more even as the kids get older.

Christmas wise I would be insisting on seeing your mum on Christmas Day and maybe doing Boxing Day with his family. Nans comments sound annoying but try and let them roll of you if you really think confronting her won't help. And spell it out to Dh that you need some time just the four of you and not to invite nan without checking with you first

Yes your dp sounds wet, he should not allow this behaviour from his nan.

Will the seperation anxiety pass? I'm getting so down now. My time with my kids is just spent with dd screaming and I feel lousy I can't make it better for her. I did try that the other day, I took her to the park on my own. She wouldn't look at me at all. I spoke to her, she wasn't herself when he isn't around. It's so strange I didn't think seperation anxiety could be like this :(
No, he doesn't want this. He always wanted a girl and he always wanted his girl. He got it. So he doesn't want to reinforce this. I keep telling him I want an hour or so with her on my own but he will always give ds back after 15 mins cause he just screams. It descends into him being stubborn and kicking his heels in like a child. I told him that we needed to do gentle sleep training because she won't go down unless she's cuddled and even then, it's a huge fight. I don't care if there's a problem. She can be with us then all she likes. But she knows nothing else and can't settle herself which worries me at 18 months. She's still in our bed so won't go down in her cot. But he allows it and wants no part of sleep training.

Does your DP not work? How is your DD not having time with you when presumably you're the only adult with her for the majority of the day 5 days a week?

Thank you all for being so nice x you're all right. It's too much and maybe the fact ds was unplanned and there's not long between them. Maybe he resents it. We were being so careful and it was such a shock to find out so late. Maybe that's part of his issue

Doesn't work no. Is desperate to work but no luck after he was let go recently.

Have you spoken to your health visitor?
It's hard I know, having to tell them that you're struggling in any way but they are there to help.

When you give DS to DP can you go out with DD (to park/for ice cream or something) then he can't give DS back when he cries?

I could have written a lot of your post when my DD2 was newborn. DD1 was almost 3 when DD2 came along, and she hated me (or so it seemed). DD2 was clingy, as all newborn are, and for a long time it was like "his n hers" daughter's. MIL also spent a lot of time with us and I barely got a look in with DD1.
Fast forward a year and my relationship with DD1 is back on track, but she still prefers DH if she gets a choice.
You need to put your foot down with the nan, she is not to encroach on family time. It seems from your latest post, maybe your DH is feeling some guilt over how his nan looked after him, but they don't get on now, so he's overcompensating by having her around?
You need to talk to him, or you'll never get your family back together. 2 young children is hard, it takes work to get through the early years with the family intact. However, if it doesn't work out, he doesn't "have to take dd".