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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the police let people down?!

119 replies

hattiesmumm · 31/05/2018 06:38

Last night a friend of mine who lives a few doors down was beaten up by her husband. He’s always been abusive. He has a name for himself as a “hard man” in town, and no one would mess with him. They have two small children who are best friends with my two.

Anyway it was kicking off with him screaming at her, and the babies screaming at him to stop/stop shouting and generally crying. It was fucking awful. I could hear it in my bedroom with my fan on. I looked out the window and saw the oldest daughter (5) run across the road to the neighbor and ask for help. That’s when I rang the police. It took them over an hour to turn up. By then my friend and her kids had drove off. I tried numerous times to get her into my house but understandably she wanted to get away. Iv texted her and rang her and she’s safe, but she said the man hurt their youngest child.

I feel physically sick.

The police turned up, went and spoke to him and then left laughing and joking with him.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t slept being worried.

OP posts:
CactusFred · 31/05/2018 06:54

You waited too long to call them too. It was kicking off and you didn't do anything until a 5yo was fleeing the scene?

Original poster
hattiesmumm · 31/05/2018 06:55

No, I rang within 5 mins of it kicking off.

OP posts:
Original poster
hattiesmumm · 31/05/2018 06:55

It all happened so fast, I’m guessing it was kicking off before I went ipto bed but couldn’t hear them.

OP posts:
UnicornRainbowColours · 31/05/2018 06:59

Because she left they couldn’t do anything could they. They can only go on what they see at the time..

Also I’m sorry not relevant but I can’t stand wheb people call children over 2 babies.

BlondeB83 · 31/05/2018 07:02

They have to go on what they see and he likely played it down massively but I completely understand your frustration. Flowers

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 31/05/2018 07:02

What do you think they were doing in that hour? Sat at the station eating doughnuts or actually busy with other crimes? The police are seriously stretched, they don’t take ages on purpose.

UnicornRainbowColours · 31/05/2018 07:03

Men like that are pretty good at turning on the aren’t I mr fantastic charm. And with victims present, hopefully she goes to the police and has him arrested.

autumndreaming · 31/05/2018 07:41

I'm sorry this happened but that is a generalisation....the police are very stretched and I'm sure they were seeing to other crimes before they got to this one.

Good on you for calling them though Thanks

HarryLovesDraco · 31/05/2018 07:45

Hopefully it will be correctly followed up, he will be arrested, she will be offered appropriate support and process will be followed.

NukaColaGirl · 31/05/2018 07:46

OP Flowers

Had similar with my sister. Her violent ex turned up, her 2 year old was in the house, she pocket dialled me and I went running round - took me about 10 mins and I called the police on my way - she had a restraining order against him.

I got there, he’d booted the door in, was on top of her strangling her, DNeph was in the room, screaming with terror and he’d wet himself.

I kept the line to the police open the entire time. I somehow managed to drag him off (he was 6”4, 18 stone, I’m 5”2 and 8 stone) and throw him out of the house. I then had to stand pushing against the broken front door with all my might as he was booting it to try and get back in. My ribs were covered in bruises from this.

Meanwhile DSis is unconscious and DNeph is beyond hysterical, but I couldn’t attend to either of them as I hadn’t to keep him out of the house.

He eventually fucked off, after about 15 mins.

It took the police 3 hours to show up Angry Her ex got a paltry 8 weeks in prison for it. He nearly fucking killed her.

Original poster
hattiesmumm · 31/05/2018 07:49

Oh god that’s awful!

I know the police are stretched. It’s sad. They shut down the station in this town so they have to come from about 20 mins away.

I just felt useless!

OP posts:
Flowersonthewall · 31/05/2018 07:55

So why start a thread saying the police let them down when you know they are stretched??? The police force where I live has been halved...not their fault if anyone has let us all down it's the people who made the decisions to scrap half the police force.

ShatnersWig · 31/05/2018 08:01

You say your friend was beaten up. In which case there would be physical evidence. It wasn't just verbal. I find it hard to believe they took no action and were laughing and joking with the abuser unless your friend told them she didn't want him arrested or downplayed the incident somehow.

YABU in regards to generalise about all of the police.
YANBU to report these particular police to the relevant complaints authority if he did beat up your friend and they genuinely took no action and were laughing and joking with him as you describe. The time they took, I'm afraid, was probably out of their control.

Chocolatelavender · 31/05/2018 08:02

The police turned up, went and spoke to him and then left laughing and joking with him.

Op, this makes me feel physically sick too. I've seen similar to this. A perpetrator of assault shouldn't be treated like some kind of good bloke. The message is clear: if you want to get away with assault or grievous bodily harm then be a man and get a girlfriend or a wife. No wonder domestic violence against women and children is an epidemic around the world and women being murdered by a partner or exp is in such high numbers. Too many people trivializing their vile behavior so they think it's almost socially acceptable. Too many of these perpetrators get away with it with either no consequences or a minor slap on the wrist. Angry I hope she and the children can remain safe and I hope the children aren't court ordered to have to stay with him for unsupervised contact Flowers

OllyBJolly · 31/05/2018 08:03

I think we let the police service down, tbh.

They are seriously under-resourced. The expectations on them are huge and demands are high. An hour to turn up for a neighbour reported domestic is probably a lot quicker than usual response times.

The days of "The Bill" where they hung around the station mess waiting on a call out are long gone.

Deandre · 31/05/2018 08:05

Your getting some stick here, I understand why you felt the police has let them down. Salt in the wound with them joking and laughing with him.

AnotherOriginalUsername · 31/05/2018 08:07

The police turned up, went and spoke to him and then left laughing and joking with him.

Having been out on duty with several sections of my local police force, and dealing with difficult people in my own role (mental health based) I've learnt that it's far better to be pally pally with someone, keep them relaxed, build up a rapport, than it is to go in all guns blazing. It doesn't mean it's genuine, it's just a tactic to stop the situation escalating unnecessarily.

I hope your friend and children are safe and well and find the strength to not go back to him

ElMarineroBaila · 31/05/2018 08:08

A lot of point missing here just to have a go at the OP, get a fucking grip a child and a woman got hurt, but OK have a whinge about how kids over 2 aren't babies...

I do think it's a shame the police didn't come faster, and as for them having a laugh and a joke it's inexcusable and he should've been carted off in handcuffs. I agree with PPs who've said the police are very stretched, they've all had massive budget cuts (you can thank vote leave for that!)

LittleLionMansMummy · 31/05/2018 08:11

The thing is ok, that the premise is always one of innocent until proven guilty - that's how our justice system works. In the absence of evidence, what are they supposed to do? Did you speak to them to provide a witness statement? Did anyone else? Until your friend reports him there's very little else for them to do. Agree that an hour to turn up turns me cold - anything could have happened to your friend and her children in that time (and often does). I doubt they were sitting around doing nothing until the call came in though.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 31/05/2018 08:12

Perhaps another neighbour was also on the phone to the police and said she had left with the children so they scaled it down.

If this happens regularly she needs to be moving away.

Blobbyweeble · 31/05/2018 08:12

It’s not inexcusable it’s a process and a way of calming everything. Do you honestly think it would be better if they let rip on scene and he kicks off massively endangering everyone around needing to be physically subdued,possibly tazered and then the whole crew are off the road for hours leaving the next woman to be attacked waiting even longer for a response.

breadsticker · 31/05/2018 08:12

People seem to need to believe the police will be there immediately for them when they need them. It’s only when you are let down by this service you realise you can be.

I don’t understand when people are defending the police saying the services are stretched when that’s irrelevant if you’re desperate for help and no one turns up. We should not be saying they’re stretched that’s ok then, if you’re in trouble they might not turn up, we should all be writing in to our MP saying this is unacceptable.

Good for phoning OP. If you see your friend encourage her to report him.

crispysausagerolls · 31/05/2018 08:27

When I was 14 I was staying with my father and was on the phone to my brother. My father, who had a restraining order from my mother after years of abusing her, ripped the phone out of the wall and punched me. My brother was nervous at the yelling he had heard in the background and the phone being ripped out and called the police. They came round and I was terrified, bruised and I begged them to 1) check his record for years of DV 2) do a breathalyser as he was smashed (and on weed with his charming gf and a 1 month old baby) and 3) begged them to take me back to my mother's (she was away on holiday but my 20 year old brother was home, it was a 2 hour drive and brother couldn't drive. Plus 11pm no trains). They refused to give a shit about all 3 and left me with my fucking father, knowing he was furious at having the police called out and had almost killed my mother on several occasions. Have never forgiven them for this.

kierenthecommunity · 31/05/2018 08:29

Perhaps another neighbour was also on the phone to the police and said she had left with the children so they scaled it down.

This is what I thought too, and while they were still late (supposed to be there within the hour for a serious incident) at that exact time she wasn’t in danger so they’d have to prioritise the calls where someone is

I’m a short female PC and if I have to lock up a big bloke who’s a known headcase I’ll usually use the charm method to make them come with me rather than scrapping with them where I’ll probably come off worse. Doesn’t mean I’ll like the bloke

Broken11Girl · 31/05/2018 08:33

Agree OP.
I don't find it hard to believe they werelaughing and joking with him, nor do I think it was an act.