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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the guy I'm chatting to is married??

125 replies

Reallytho · 30/05/2018 22:38

Hello everyone.

First time back to mumsnet for years (New account), I've been lurking for a while now and I just have no one else to ask about this so I thought I'd give you guys a try.
I'll try and keep it short.
I met a guy on line a few months back, he lives in another city (around two hours away) but we chat every day, face time a few days a week and message all day everyday but messages get less from around 7pm onwards and usually even less so over a weekend. All cool I just guessed he was busy with other stuff.
We had also planned to meet each other but then something had happened to his car and he couldn't make it and now a few things just arent adding up.

Anyway, the most recent thing is his phone going off. He's blaming WiFi but you don't need WiFi to call/text, so why not just use text?? We usually use what'sapp and he's taken his profile down and my messages aren't going through so I rang him (nothing usual, we chat everyday, although it's usually him that rings me.. now that I think about it, it's always him that rings me and if I say I'm going to ring him he's always busy with his brother or something.. ) anyway, phone rang but he didnt answer..

Now to the bit where if you're not already thinking I'm pathetic..
Because things have been 'off' recently I decided to Google his name (I know.. )
Well, I came straight to his old Twitter account, read through it a little, it's seven years old btw, and he was talking about the love of his life. By this point I'm thinking, because it's such an old account it'll probably be an old gf.. but he had tagged her name, I clicked on this tag and her name changed to her first name with his second name (the name he tagged must have been her maiden name) and she had a picture of them on their wedding day as her profile picture looking very happy and lovely.
So now I'm wondering, maybe they're divorced??, he's talked a lot about his old girlfriends but never an ex wife, fine, maybe?? Too much? I don't know.. and to be honest if I were her and I had been divorced I wouldn't want to keep my wedding photo up as my profile.. but then again, maybe it's her old account and she hasn't noticed/bothered to take it down??
That OR they're still married

OP posts:

Thebluedog · 31/05/2018 12:25

If I was the wife I’d want to know. No he’s not had a physical relationship with you, but he has had an emotional one with you. In my eyes that’s just as bad.

I’d be very tempted to draft a sensitive email to her and let her know what he’s been up to.

fuzzyfozzy · 31/05/2018 12:33

I'd want to know

nellly · 31/05/2018 13:41

I've been the wife in this situation and please please tell her

Popc0rn · 31/05/2018 13:41

I would want to know if I was his wife. Even though you haven't met, he's been flirting with you everyday for months and denies he has a wife?! That's an emotional affair in my eyes. Though not sure I'd want to be the one to tell her if I was in your shoes.

Tbh I think I'd screenshot the photo of them together, send it to him and tell him that you'll be sending his wife screenshots of all your previous whatsapp conversations (he doesn't know that you've deleted all those messages), and as you've deleted him from your contacts list his phone number will be visible in each screenshot, so there's no denying it's not him, in the "near future". Then block him. You don't have to send his wife anything, hopefully it'll make him squirm thinking that you're going to though! What a dick.

IDearlyLoveALaugh · 31/05/2018 14:09

You've got to tell her!

peachgreen · 31/05/2018 14:28

What a colossal dick. Tell her now before she has kids with this asshole.

MetalMidget · 31/05/2018 14:31

Tell her. Because he's already checked out of the marriage, and if she doesn't know she may end up having kids or spending years of her life with someone who's playing away.

baxterboi · 31/05/2018 14:36

Don’t tell his wife. She’s nothing to do with you.

Don't follow this advice! She's being taken for a mug (his wife). The bloke is trying to have his cake and eat it too.

Tell her. The bastard (the husband).

MemorylikeDory · 31/05/2018 14:44

My first instinct was to say walk away and don't contact him again or message his wife. But then I thought about if I was in his wife's shoes. If it was my husband I'd want to know without a doubt.

Tistheseason17 · 31/05/2018 15:06

I'd be glad you told me if I was his wife.

OP, put yourself in her position - would you want to know?

Then do what you need to

StayingAtTamaras · 31/05/2018 15:13

I'd be grateful if you'd told me

CoatsProtectionLeague · 31/05/2018 15:15

Reallytho
Read my most recent thread.

I really wish I had been told. I cannot get all those wasted years back. It’s likely my H has been a cheat for years.

You well and truly dodged a bullet

LearnFromThePast · 31/05/2018 15:26

I would want to know

RomeoBunny · 31/05/2018 15:31

Tell the wife. I'd want to know.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 31/05/2018 15:42

Tell her. If she already has an inkling and is driving herself batty because she has no proof this could be the just the info she needs to take decisive action. If not then she can just ignore you.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 31/05/2018 16:03

I'd want to know too. Especially if my h had been messaging another woman while he was actually with me at a wedding. That is so sleazy and she deserves to know what he is doing.

Storminateapot · 31/05/2018 16:49

Tricky one. He will tell you're a crazy stalker who he chatted to a few times via online shared interest, you got the wrong idea and you won't leave him alone, he's a bit scared of you. Might give you MH problems that he's been help

Storminateapot · 31/05/2018 16:51

....helping you with so he doesn't want to be cruel...

Basically he'll lie like the utter twat he is and she'll most likely believe him, so I have no advice either way.

EndofSummer · 31/05/2018 16:58

My Ex chatted to loads of women online. And he was happily married to me at the time

Sorry OP it’s way too easy for people to cheat like this. Not one woman knew he was married, he told a few he was in a relationship but that we were not sleeping together, and some he really milked how awful his life was. He was an asshole we were sleeping together, no problems, Mr Nice guy. I talked to a few women who had the same instincts as you. At least you didn’t meet up - you coukd have got very invested without realising.

EndofSummer · 31/05/2018 16:58

And yes I’m another who needed to know.

timeisnotaline · 31/05/2018 16:58

I’d tell her. If my husband were doing this and I found out I’d treat it as an affair. It’s betraying our marriage.

Halebeke425 · 31/05/2018 17:05

Tell her everything so she can decide what to do next once she has all the facts. She deserves to know the truth about who her husband is. Tell her exactly how you came to know each other, everything he told you and your plans for meeting up and where it seemed to be going. Send her everything he sent you that you haven't deleted. You will have done the right thing because then she will know and can act accordingly

SleepingStandingUp · 31/05/2018 17:10

I'd want to know. I'm a grown woman, I can make my own choices but I need honesty to do that. Tell her.

mimibunz · 31/05/2018 17:22

Can you call his and say it’s his wife calling? Then if he answers “hey babe” you will know.

crispysausagerolls · 31/05/2018 18:02

I would want to know

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