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Original poster

To think the guy I'm chatting to is married??

125 replies

Reallytho · 30/05/2018 22:38

Hello everyone.

First time back to mumsnet for years (New account), I've been lurking for a while now and I just have no one else to ask about this so I thought I'd give you guys a try.
I'll try and keep it short.
I met a guy on line a few months back, he lives in another city (around two hours away) but we chat every day, face time a few days a week and message all day everyday but messages get less from around 7pm onwards and usually even less so over a weekend. All cool I just guessed he was busy with other stuff.
We had also planned to meet each other but then something had happened to his car and he couldn't make it and now a few things just arent adding up.

Anyway, the most recent thing is his phone going off. He's blaming WiFi but you don't need WiFi to call/text, so why not just use text?? We usually use what'sapp and he's taken his profile down and my messages aren't going through so I rang him (nothing usual, we chat everyday, although it's usually him that rings me.. now that I think about it, it's always him that rings me and if I say I'm going to ring him he's always busy with his brother or something.. ) anyway, phone rang but he didnt answer..

Now to the bit where if you're not already thinking I'm pathetic..
Because things have been 'off' recently I decided to Google his name (I know.. )
Well, I came straight to his old Twitter account, read through it a little, it's seven years old btw, and he was talking about the love of his life. By this point I'm thinking, because it's such an old account it'll probably be an old gf.. but he had tagged her name, I clicked on this tag and her name changed to her first name with his second name (the name he tagged must have been her maiden name) and she had a picture of them on their wedding day as her profile picture looking very happy and lovely. Sad
So now I'm wondering, maybe they're divorced??, he's talked a lot about his old girlfriends but never an ex wife, fine, maybe?? Too much? I don't know.. and to be honest if I were her and I had been divorced I wouldn't want to keep my wedding photo up as my profile.. but then again, maybe it's her old account and she hasn't noticed/bothered to take it down??
That OR they're still married Sad

OP posts:
GlitteryFluff · 31/05/2018 08:08

What a dick.

StayingAtTamaras · 31/05/2018 08:10

Arsehole! Text him and ask him to explain what the fuck he thinks he's doing and then tell his wife

unicorn56 · 31/05/2018 08:12

I don't think you can delete text/whatsapp messages/facebook messages. The delete function only deletes them from your phone, not the senders phone. I'm not 100% sure about whatsapp (as I don't have it), but me and my friend tried it out with text and facebook before and it only deletes from your phone, unless it hasnt sent then maybe (don't know what that looks like on whatsapp but on fb that looks like a circle with no tick in it what so ever, a circle with a tick not coloured in on fb means sent but not recieved (meaning you can no longer delete it)).

TigerlilyMoon · 31/05/2018 08:12

The wife could be someone on MN!! Embrace the sisterhood and let the poor woman know.. What a total dick! X

Alwaystired122 · 31/05/2018 08:25

What a scumbag. I agree with telling his wife what she’s married to

isthismylifenow · 31/05/2018 08:32

I didn't know you could delete messages on WhatsApp before they've been read?

Yes its a new feature. If you click on your message and press the trash icon, it give you options, delete for all would be the one to delete off their phone. BUT you only have 7 minutes to do it. And hope they havent read it in that time. You can delete it after they have read it though, if its within the 7 minutes.

Delete for me just deletes on your phone only, not theirs.

Scumbag, bet he blocked you as his wife got suspicious and maybe asked to see his phone or something. So he wanted to be sure that none of your messages were ill timed coming in.

I wouldnt play games now OP. Just tell him you know he is married and block him. Then he can quietly shit himself not knowing whether you tell his wife or not. Did you meet him on a dating site?? Perhaps if you did want to out him, just anonymously send her the link to his profile??

Bastard.

ICantCopeAnymore · 31/05/2018 08:33

What a scumbag.

happypoobum · 31/05/2018 08:38

I would send the messages to the wife. She deserves to know what he is up to.

Sorry OP but you probably aren't the only one, and he could have met up with women closer to home Sad

Onthewrongsideof30 · 31/05/2018 08:40

Tell the wife ..... do you have any of your conversations ? Can you send her a screenshot of him arranging to meet you ? Or making an excuse as to why he can't?

Mrsmadevans · 31/05/2018 08:41

Ahhh OP sorry you have been lied to by this arsehole Flowers
I would tell his wife tbh but only if l were sure it would not come back to bite me on the bum. Good Luck.

clairedelalune · 31/05/2018 08:42

And..... Delete.
Unless there are very significant transport/distances, setting a date to meet in a few months means no intention whatsoever. You can bet your bottom.dollar something else will come up in July.

vampirethriller · 31/05/2018 08:42

Are you sure he's not on Facebook, I was seeing a man who told me that and I believed him, then I got curious for reasons much like your own and looked- there he was with girlfriend and very new baby. He'd just told me he wasn't in the hope I wouldn't check.

LizzieLongToes · 31/05/2018 08:45

This guy is very married. When online dating it's so important you meet within 48 hrs of chatting as otherwise you invest so much bloody time to dickheads and it's wasting your life away. (Experience in this)
Ask him to meet within the next 48 hrs and I'm sure you will have your answer!

Original poster
Reallytho · 31/05/2018 08:52

Update.

Re the what'sapp messages.. I woke up to a standard "morning!" message from him also referencing the message I had sent him yesterday before his phone 'lost signal'. The messages and screen shot I sent him last night had turned to two blue ticks but when I checked the info they just came up as seen and not read. So I asked him if he had seen them and he said no, he didn't get any through so I don't know what's up with that.

So then I just threw in, "Well I suppose that's what happens when you get blocked on here" then "are you still married??"
He said he was separated but still legally married, that he was sorry and that he should have told me. I then asked about his ex gf who he talks/moans a lot about and asked was she real, he said she was and that she knew about the "situation" but he had been with her for 18 months when originally, he had told me he had been with her for "almost a year".. another thing that doesn't add up. I then asked him why it had his wife's name at his address dated 2017-2018 and he denied that, saying that Google was wrong on that one.
He was very apologetic, saying the usual, he's lied and hes sorry, i deserve better etc (bla bla bla)

I'm still not sure what to make of it. But I'm not interested in hanging around to find out. There's already doubts and some things he's said don't add up. I'm not wasting any more time thinking about it/him and I told him all this, we wished each other well (through gritted teeth on my part, but it seemed the fair thing to do saying as how I'm still not 100% certain on what's happened) and thats that.

I think a pp was right, I've purely been a distraction and an ego boost for him. Nothing more. And that's fine (in a way). I wasn't too invested in him anyway I haven't even met the guy! Oh well, best i know, right!? Blush

Thanks for all your responses, and giving me a place I could write it all down, it helped me to see it all much clearer and put it into perspective. Flowers for you all!

OP posts:
Seahorse146 · 31/05/2018 08:53

@kaytee87 you can delete messages at any time on whatsapp now. It's called 'delete for everyone.'

But I've spoken to enough guys over the years to know this guy is definitely married.

Wildlingofthewest · 31/05/2018 08:56

Good, glad you called him out on it and that you have the good sense to walk away from it.
What a tosser!
All the best OP! Smile

SparklyMagpie · 31/05/2018 08:57

Good, delete him and don't look back

He's lying through his arse

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/05/2018 08:57

How did you meet him online? Was it a dating site? Can you report him there too?

SparklyMagpie · 31/05/2018 08:57

Also convenient he hasn't seen your messages but had all the answers to your questions

Original poster
Reallytho · 31/05/2018 09:04

No we didn't meet through a dating site. We share a similar interest and got talking as friends then it spiralled from there.
Neither of us were looking for anything like this (Well I know I wasnt) it just evolved into. So I guess that could explain why he didn't tell me, he was too far in then it was weird to bring it up?? Anyway regardless if he's married still or not, lying or not, I can't be arsed with it all.

OP posts:
mholz · 31/05/2018 09:15

You haven't done anything wrong. You have only just followed your curiosity and explored information found online. Ask him exclusively if he is married, and inform him about your findings re: Twitter.

Don't be ashamed about it, but do stop the moment you know he is indeed married. There's no point chasing the wind.

Notveryladylike · 31/05/2018 09:16

I'm sure on what's app one tick just me means sent but not receive. My partner works on a building site, he has a locker that he puts his phone in sometimes and it doesn't get a signal, my messages will stay at one tick until he takes his phone outside on his break. Doesn't mean he's has definitely blocked you but it's possible. As for the rest it does all sound a bit dodgey. You probably should just do a bit more digging but I would probably have done the same as you, I have no patience.

CoatsProtectionLeague · 31/05/2018 09:26

Do the wife a favour and send her the screenshots-none of my H’s women ever had the decency to do it - and yes it is decent and honest to tell the wife.

It’s up to her what she decides to do with them.

Always trust your gut.

LiteraryDevil1 · 31/05/2018 09:27

Definitely tell the wife. She deserves to know.

BlooBagoo · 31/05/2018 09:33

This guy sounds unbelievably like my ex when we were together. Whenever he was asked about me he'd say we had separated (occasionally adding in we still lived together for the sake of the kids if he was caught out about that one) but we hadn't at all. I eventually found out about a good 4 other women, 3 online and 1 at his workplace and not from any of them, was all my own snooping knowing something wasn't right. I'm sure there were probably more I didn't find. Random workmates of his asking if we were still together if I bumped into them made a lot more sense later on.

Of course he's saying he's not with his wife, even though everything else points towards the fact he is and she's become suspicious hence the blocking (or maybe he deleted the app completely? I don't know the various features of Whatsapp tbh) and lack of contact. My ex would cut off contact with others when I was suspicious or started asking questions, then would gradually start it up again when I stopped questioning him. I can imagine if you contacted her and she confirmed they were together, then his next step would be "She's crazy, she wants us to get back together but that's not happening."

I also agree with the "I don't have Facebook" often meaning "don't look for me on there".

Have you tried searching for his old Twitter handle on other social media or even just via google? I found a few "secret" accounts my ex had by doing that.