AIBU to ask if you feel secretly/not secretly competitive about your child's abilities at school?

[Portobellomushroom]

I feel that I am. I hate it. I care about what other parents think about my kid. It's a hard trait to weaken but I'd like to. I know that it's not right.

Any advice?And please, don't come on and judge me or whip me. I've admitted my flaw, I am asking for honest, open advice.

I compete internally, I compete by giving into the anxiety that he might not be doing as well as he should, that what if he isn't working, what if he isn't reading as well as he was last year...it's not really about anyone else, if that makes sense. I couldn't tell you how the majority of his peers do in class, only when he mentions his mates.

It's more about recognising that I shouldn't care, but I do, and that I want to care less.

I'm prob not making much sense.

I don’t really compete by looking at my children’s peers anyway. I don’t really care what they’re up to.

Honestly and truthfully I did want to know what the groups meant, so I knew where DC were at. We've always done extra work with them in areas they're struggling.

The best advice I had as a Mum came when PFB was a month or so old. That they haven't had the time to read the latest baby books, that comparing your children will drive you insane. As long as they're happy, especially being infertility babies, milestones, attainment etc mean nothing as long as they're trying hard.

Another friend told me say 3 years back, that their kids could be a road sweeper and if it made the child happy, they were happy.

We've had SATs with the youngest I really hated the constant work home and Practice Tests, just because DH was a tool at school and messed about not getting anywhere. They've got to learn from his mistakes apparently.

I didn't think it fair on DD. We had our first big loss as a family this year & it's affected us all. Particularly DD as she was close to her Nanna. So I think cut her some slack.

You see the motivational posts, how old people where when they achieved stuff. Does it really matter.

The ones that brag are lacking something in themselves.

I was a good student and my parents were anti everything and couldn't care one bit. They hated my siblings parents evenings as teachers would go, oh we wish we had 4 more like DayDream, was she swapped at birth

I try/pretend not to be.

There's a school near us that's selective/very academic/best school in the province etc that you have to sit a test to get entrance. I so hope that DS gets in!

Yes I am

Feel quite relieved when hearing other children are in lower groups than ds when I assumed they would be in a higher group

At ds school (prep) there is an odd competitiveness by parents who is the most laid back about how well their child/children are doing yet many go on to schools that there is a huge amount of competition to get into no one admits to having a tutor

It's so hard not to, although I try hard not to openly discuss my son's achievements (unless someone asks directly). I just have one child (age 6) and he's one of the top students in the year according to his teacher, which makes me burst with pride, but I try really hard to keep him grounded. He works so hard in school that we ensure he has lots of play time at home (although of course he always does his homework and daily reading). His school is pretty academic (and will be selective from Year 3) so there are a lot of very pushy and openly competitive parents...

I don’t really understand this. Most children are average or below average so there is no point in being competetive and for those with particularly bright children why would you feel the need to be competetive? I find it genuinely perplexing. It’s particularly distasteful when you gloat at a child being in a lower set than your child. Our first child has absolutely no academic interest whatsoever whilst our second is pretty average and the third too young to tell. This might inform my take on it.

portobello I think that is different. That’s about caring that your child isn’t struggling. It’s not about taking pleasure in the idea of him being better than another child.

I think you adapt when it becomes clear what your DC abilities are. I was also really academic/straight A student and thought I’d struggle if my kids weren’t the same. Well they are both still in primary and the eldest is just about to leave and breezed through the whole 7 years at the top of the class, so it’s all been OK there. The youngest has special needs and it’s an achievement if he can stay in class tbh so I’ve had to learn to care less about what people think about his academic achievements.

No I'm not.
As long as they are average and not falling behind I just want them to enjoy being young.

I know that sounds trite and I know from my friends that I'm in the minority but I just don't care what other parents think of my children's academic abilities.

OP I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting your child to progress and reach their potential. s long as you aren’t putting undue pressure on the child themselves of course.

Enthusiasm

to no one admits to having a tutor

Why should they admit it though? Why is anyone else entitled to that information?

I’d be more proud if my ds was the kindest/socially adept in the class than the cleverest. Often these ‘soft skills’ can help people be successful, as well as likeable.

Academic ability doesn’t always tell you everything about a child and how well they will do. I know very clever people who have done remarkably well at school get very average jobs when things didn’t work out after uni, others who are middle of the road academically, sometimes excel at something in particular and end up being very successful.

Whatever you do don’t be seen to gloat/revel, however clever your child is. You never know what your dc will do/who they will be/the choices they will make when they grow up.

Being clever won’t make th any better or necessarily successful than the other children in the class.

Yep my daughter is kick ass about gymnastics but I wouldn’t Bragg