AIBU to ask if you feel secretly/not secretly competitive about your child's abilities at school?

[Portobellomushroom]

I feel that I am. I hate it. I care about what other parents think about my kid. It's a hard trait to weaken but I'd like to. I know that it's not right.

Any advice?And please, don't come on and judge me or whip me. I've admitted my flaw, I am asking for honest, open advice.

Maybe that's partly it.

My parents always acted and talked about me and my sister as if we were of genius level intelligence, as well as being incredibly talented at pretty much everything.

They told us we were too special and amazing to mix with other children.....Er, no mum and dad, actually (thanks in large part to this attitude), we were friendless mediocre freaks.

Maybe this has made me want to just let my kids be a bit!

I honestly don't feel I am competitive. It's not MY achievement! My dad was very competitive on my behalf- I was IQ tested at school and he goes around telling everyone I am a genius . I did really well at school, but felt very under pressure to always be first. Exhausting and not the way it will be for my dc. I will encourage them and help, but never push.

My mum was a teacher and completely unimpressed with natural intelligence. She used to say it was just the way you were born, and nothing more to be proud of than having say blue eyes or blonde hair. She valued hard work, and often said she would be more proud of me had I struggled and worked hard for lesser grades.

I have an excellent self defence mechanism - I automatically think that I, and my dc, are absolutely the best ever (frequently flying in the face of the evidence). If another dc is better academically, that's okay because mine has better people skills, if another dc is more popular with their peers, that's okay because they've peaked early - my dc's time is yet to come etc etc. Works for me

There is nothing wrong in wanting your child to be academic or talented in other areas. You can only measure this by comparing your child to others.

Competitive parents aren't just keeping track of their child's progress. If you want to know what your child SATS scores mean in terms of expected or exceeding levels you can look up what the results mean online, there's no need to go round the playground trying to find out how the other kids in the class did. Same for reading levels - you can ask the teacher how your DC is doing or look up the expected level online, but lots of parents try to find out how other DC in the class are doing.

I'm sort of with you. I want my DCs to do well, be happy, healthy and wise (also academic with a less so DH).

I get a bit over excited, reading up on how to advantage them. I want to do well by them. To be fair though, life gets in the way of any good mad intentions and most the time fed and safe are highlights!

minipie Exactly same here. I have three DC one has been identified as highly gifted and is years ahead for some subjects, one academic but not exceptionally and one who has struggled (again not SEN just has always found anything academic a bit of a struggle). It's definitely the gifted one I worry about most as he finds other aspects of school (making friends, and just kind of going along with things - he's the most insanely stubborn kid in the world) much more difficult than his siblings. When push comes to shove everyone wants their kids to be happy first, once that's in place you can worry about them being nobel laureates and olympic athletes!

Having two Dc with vastly differing talents and struggles (one has SEN) has ended any sort of “competitiveness” in me with their peers. I really do not care a jot if either DC is the worst in the class at everything because 1) if they are, there is a reason for it and 2) they are absolutely brilliant at something else that other kids struggle with. Their mental health is pretty much the most important thing for me tbh. They’ve been through the wringer and I honestly couldn’t care less what their best friend got in whatever test they did as long as my DC comes out smiling.

I don't feel competitive about their academic results

I want them to do well, if possible, it is not that I do not care

My parents never treated it as a race, or a competition. Never felt competitive about my own academic achievements.

Think it's what you have grown up with?

What age are your kids OP? I find at early primary level parents can be very competitive about what book bands their kids are on , furtively asking and comparing, it is really quite funny, I mean, what is that all about?

Just be carefully about willing them to excel academically. Be always mindful of not being too pushy. I think our parental expectations were too high for dd (and unwittingly we transmitted this) and she mentally crashed during Y9 . We are back on track now and always cautious about not making her feel too pressurised

Rocking you can be proud of your dd's achievements (as can she)and you can celebrate those - among family. That's enough, no?

I’m not particularly competitive with my children , I want them to do their best .
. In my experience it’s the parents who crow the loudest about their kids achievement who really should wind their neck it . Unless they are privy to every child’s reading age and standardised scores then they really don’t have a clue . The quietly confident ones are the ones to watch .

I’ve had a parent ask for extra work for their incredible bright , top of the class child . I haven’t mustered the courage to tell them she’s not the top of the class ( no idea where they got that idea from - probably the child themselves )

Not competitive in particular but I worry about them struggling. Maybe because they are towards the bottom of the class the competition element is removed.

I also can't help comparing them to me. I was very naturally academic, sporty and gregarious (not that you can tell now ) and it made my life very easy. I never really stressed about tests or being picked last.

I always cringe inwardly when I see people posting about their kid doing some local dance recital or coming second in a spelling test. Fair enough if it's something truly remarkable or unusual, or if the child is on social media and your want to congratulate them publicly, but otherwise it's just weird, awful boasting lacking self awareness.

Ds8 is vg academically. Close to top of class probably & better in English than maths, (he's pretty sensitive so now thinks he's crap at maths & it's work convincing him that he's not).

He is awful at sports. Dd4 isn't yet that interested in any of it.

I agree with pp that encouraging kindness & hard working, grit mentality in things, especially what they struggle with is key. Reading to them seems the most important thing ime. Ds is an avid reader now & that makes him interested in learning. Going to the library is a treat for both of them so all I want to do is keep it that way.

I was clever in primary school & took it for granted it would be the same at secondary (grammar school here). It wasn't. There were lots of other clever people and I lost interest as I couldn't be bothered working for it. The hardest thing for me is getting enough time in the day to spend encouraging them to stick at practising for anything, from hanging up their coats to practising spellings. Just do your best to get them to try their best & job done.

Depend what you mean by competitive? I want my children to reach their full potential so yes I take an interest in their school work, help them with learning, and try to encourage them to be naturally curious about the world. We read a lot of kids facts and reference books together.

I want them to succeed. My mum was never interested in my school work and rarely cared about my school reports. I bombed hugely in my GCSEs despite having high predicted grades and being naturally quite bright. I realise now how different my life could have been if I put the bloody effort in. I ended up retaking some exams and have surprised myself a few times at how well I did in my degree and postgrad study when I really applied myself.

I don’t want the kids to be like me and have a lack of self confidence, regrets and be a late starter in life. I want them to know what they are capable of and feel proud of their efforts. If this means being competitive, and pushing them then so be it.

However, I want them to do the best of their abilities. If they’re never going to win a Gold Medal, I’m not going to be jealous of the child who did.

It’s important to distinguish between pushing your child to be the best of their abilities as opposed to pushing your child to be the best at all costs.

I'm divorced, my parents are dead, my brother and my sister have children and grandchildren of their own. So, I do boast a bit about my DC on social media. Otherwise I have no one to share their achievements with.

DS2 has ASD and anything he succeeds at I'm hugely proud of. I play down DS1's successes as he's so much more able than DS2, and I'm careful not to compare DS1 with DS3. DS1's achievements came as a bit of a surprise, definitely a late bloomer, while DS3 showed early promise and has rested on his laurels.

All part of life's rich pageant. We're lucky we can boast anonymously on MN!

Just to add I think boasting about kids’ minor achievements on Facebook or posting a copy of their latest reports is just bizarre.

Hand on heart, genuinely no. Mine are totally average, in the middle of the bell curve, but they are happy and flourishing at school and I'm so happy to see that. Couldn't care less about scores or reading levels.

Also please don’t post about your child’s achievements on Facebook . A local Mum used to boost to anyone who would listen about how her daughter would be a barrister etc etc etc . Fast forward a few years, she’s repeating her a levels and working in the local shop. Bet her mother wishes she’d kept quiet . Quietly confident is the way forward , don’t try to live your life through your children .

I think it’s totally normal when they at v young - most babies seem miraculous to their parents & most of us want our children to be the “best” because we feel they are so very special. So of course they should/could be Oxbridge candidates who play rugby for England, are studying for grade 8 piano and, in their spare time, volunteer for the Red Cross! Pretty soon we all realise that our children are special, amazing, wonderful things to us but maybe not to the rest of the world and get over it!! Once you do, life is so much easier. Because definition, 99.9% of people are not objectively ‘exceptional’ but that’s ok because our DS/DD are exceptional to those who love them.

I’m not a ‘competitive’ parent and I try not to post loads about the kids on Facebook. I do worry,however, what other parents think because DS is very academic, musical,gets lead roles in drama, house captain, always represents his house in running and represents the school in football. He is also a cheeky little so and so at home when he wants to be and is a normal ‘kid’ but I’m sure other parents think he’s put in some kind of pedestal just because he’s good at what he does.

I have 3 children who are very bright , classified as gifted and one child with complex special needs.

I was probably a pain in the arse about the 3 gifted ones without knowing it. I cry, sad and happy tears, over my child with SNs achievements

I have three DC with incredibly varying academic abilities.

I have a fairly academically ‘average’ DS who is always at the correct level for his age and works hard so does well. His strength is the same as mine, in English. He his creative and loves to write imaginative stories.

Then I have a DD who is below average and I have to work incredibly hard with to assist on spellings and reading. She has improved hugely over the past year but her maths will never be great (neither will mine so I don’t really care ). She isn’t massively academic but has excellent emotional skills.

My youngest DD is one of those frustrating people that is good at EVERYTHING. I don’t just mean good but great. She is somehow academically brilliant yet also has great social skills, good at sports and is creative but the worst part is- she doesn’t have to work hard to achieve it. I was always envious of them at school because, aside from in English and history, I had to work extra hard to make the grades.

I could be boastful about my youngest DD but I’m not because my other two DC are also great in their own ways and I appreciate their differences. I don’t think pride in your children is a bad thing but actively boasting about them won’t gain you too many fans.

I’m not a ‘competitive’ parent and I try not to post loads about the kids on Facebook. I do worry,however, what other parents think because DS is very academic, musical,gets lead roles in drama, house captain, always represents his house in running and represents the school in football. He is also a cheeky little so and so at home when he wants to be and is a normal ‘kid’ but I’m sure other parents think he’s put in some kind of pedestal just because he’s good at what he does.

And just like that, the thread turned into a brag-fest for competitive parents

I’m confused, how do you know how other children are doing?

I don’t tell anyone (other than doting GPs) how my children are doing.

One of my D.C. is top of their class, apparently by some way. I’ve never breathed a word.

My other D.C. isn’t quite as academic but works very hard and does well.

Why would anyone else need to know? I presume the kids in their classes know they are quite clever but they won’t know their scores.

If anyone asks me my children’s grades I just say they are working hard and enjoying school.

I’m keen to know that they behave well, work hard and are able to play well with the other children. Those are skills which will serve them well in life regardless of exam results.

I’m not in the least bit interested in how anyone else’s child is doing academically.

I'm not competitive about my kids at all - i know they are utterly brilliant so I dont care what anyone else thinks
We also home ed which probably helps as we spend time with kids of all ages & everyone is doing their own thing education wise.