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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you feel secretly/not secretly competitive about your child's abilities at school?

88 replies

Portobellomushroom · 30/05/2018 21:11

I feel that I am. I hate it. I care about what other parents think about my kid. It's a hard trait to weaken but I'd like to. I know that it's not right.

Any advice?And please, don't come on and judge me or whip me. I've admitted my flaw, I am asking for honest, open advice.

OP posts:
Noqont · 31/05/2018 03:45

I don't care how other peoples kids are doing unless there was a child protection issue. It would irritate me if people were overly concerned about mine. Mine have had a difficult start in life. But they have good manners. That's all anyone else need to know. Worry about your own children. Not other peoples.

Original poster
Portobellomushroom · 31/05/2018 09:32

I'm aware that I shouldn't worry about this, or be pushy, or create anxiety and insecurity. It's just hard when it's a trait in you.

But a) good to know I'm not alone b) some good advice, thanks

I also agree, that I really want DC to be kind and good and happy more than anything else.

OP posts:
TopofthePops · 31/05/2018 11:23

I honestly don't feel I am competitive. It's not MY achievement!

Exactly! I am so sick of seeing people on Facebook putting up photos of their kids report cards and claiming their childs achievements as their own. Someone even had the brass neck to put " At least I'm doing something right"

My DD is the youngest in the class and I was so worried for her when she started school that she would fall behind the rest, not competitively, just about how it would make her feel if she couldn't do what every other child could do. I worried for nothing, as the years go on, she's doing great and is on the top reading level group but even if she wasn't, I would be just as happy for her if she was slap bang in the middle average, which she is at some other things. I would hate to think of her struggling with anything.

BlueJava · 31/05/2018 11:33

Do you think you want your kids to have what you did not? In other words perhaps you want them to do well because you didn't manage that for yourself, academically anyway? (If I read your 2nd post right?)

I don't feel at all competitive about how well my 2 do, I expect them to work hard and ask for any support they need, but ultimately it's up to them. However, I have done very well academically and I work abroad a lot (they are both doing GCSEs now) so I simply have to much to do to have time to compare where they are versus peers. They seem bright and switched on with most subjects and work pretty hard so it should come together for them. Plus if I babysit for GCSEs they won't learn how to study for A Levels and Uni.

Another thought is that whilst parents may compare them against the peers they know there is a whole country and world out there with a ton of bright kids... so comparing to the brightest boy in the school (or whomever) is pointless because there are always more geniuses.

SluttyButty · 31/05/2018 11:36

My dd is academically gifted have no idea how she's achieved what she has with our chaotic lives and I burst with pride at her achievements.

My DS is ASD and really struggles at school, he's intelligent but in a different way to his sister. He can remember obscure facts on whatever his latest or long term obsession is. I also burst with pride when he achieves something at school that most would think is a rather lowly achievement.

I have no idea what anyone else's children have achieved because I'm not a school mum chatterbox I'm an antisocial people avoider

I'll be happy now if DS actually makes it through secondary school and does an apprenticeship because he's on a totally different path to his big sis. They're both equal in my eyes though.

JacquesHammer · 31/05/2018 11:37

I get worried about what other parents think of DD since one parent had a go at me for being pushy because DD was on a higher reading level than her child Confused

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 31/05/2018 11:41

Of course it's okay...it's normal to feel proud of your children achieving.

My son is autistic...one of the things I quickly learned was not to compare him with other children. So his achievements can be massive but stuff which might seem minor to other children.

Wouldn't say I am competitive though.

One of the things I love is the local disability friendly football team made up of kids who struggle with physical issues and other disabilities. When we play other teams of similar children there is huge support from parents for both sides and every achievement is cheered no matter which team.

So I say celebrate achievements, feel pride...even if you are competitive. It's about being pleased for your children.

LittleLionMansMummy · 31/05/2018 11:42

Ds is bubbling along average academically, but the things that will make the most difference to his life chances of success/ happiness aren't his academic abilities (though of course they're important) it's things like resilience, ability to adapt to change, negotiate confidently, take responsibility for his actions, find solutions, compromise, interact well with all kinds of people from all kinds of backgrounds etc. I suppose I do compare him (privately and favourably) to other children in these respects. He's a kind, outgoing, well mannered and inquisitive boy with a huge zest for life who has a wide general knowledge. Those are the things that will make the difference to his life and I tend to emphasise them. I'm a proud parent after all - it's my job.

jamoncrumpets · 31/05/2018 11:47

I'm not. My kid has additional needs. But if it makes you feel better about your life to compare your kid with others then crack on, I guess.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 31/05/2018 11:55

the poster who said:

I’m not a ‘competitive’ parent and I try not to post loads about the kids on Facebook. I do worry,however, what other parents think because DS is very academic, musical,gets lead roles in drama, house captain, always represents his house in running and represents the school in football. He is also a cheeky little so and so at home when he wants to be and is a normal ‘kid’ but I’m sure other parents think he’s put in some kind of pedestal just because he’s good at what he does.

...cringe cringe cringe Grin

Ohmydayslove · 31/05/2018 12:02

Not in the slightest as I really don’t care about other people’s children in that way. I do care that other parents think my kids were kind and polite though, very much so.

It took until dc6 to get work on the wall I thought was actually pretty good. Grin

Original poster
Portobellomushroom · 31/05/2018 12:07

While I totally agree with this and will imprint this on my brain

the things that will make the most difference to his life chances of success/ happiness aren't his academic abilities (though of course they're important) it's things like resilience, ability to adapt to change, negotiate confidently, take responsibility for his actions, find solutions, compromise, interact well with all kinds of people from all kinds of backgrounds etc. I suppose I do compare him (privately and favourably) to other children in these respects. He's a kind, outgoing, well mannered and inquisitive boy with a huge zest for life who has a wide general knowledge. Those are the things that will make the difference to his life and I tend to emphasise them.

I don't understand why people write lines like this, when it's absolutely clear it doesn't make me feel better about my life!

But if it makes you feel better about your life to compare your kid with others then crack on, I guess.

OP posts:
Socrates73 · 31/05/2018 12:11

Absolutely Grinthough I pretend not to be. I just want ds to distinguish himself in SOME way though, academics, sports or even for being popular, kind and a nice kid. I was an invisible kid at school. Terrible at sport, good but not stunning academically, well behaved but not popular at school. I think this middling group is the hardest to be in as you feel like you don't count. We've also encouraged ds to do drama, singing and music so that perhaps he'll shine there. Sad that I feel this way and i wouldn't admit to it in real life Blush

Camomila · 31/05/2018 12:12

Sort of...DS is only 2 but he’ll be one of the younger ones in the year when he starts school (4yr 3m ) so I worry about what if he struggles and gets put off school.

Luckily atm he seems to be developing averagely for his age.

jamoncrumpets · 31/05/2018 12:14

Because, OP, unless you have a non NT child you could not possibly understand the effect that competitive parenting, stealth bragging, outright bragging can have upon a differently abled child, and their parents. My SM feeds are full of 'Oh look, my 2 year old drew a turtle, they're so clever' when my kid can't even hold a pencil.

So you're in a privileged position to even entertain the thought of being competitive.

m0therofdragons · 31/05/2018 12:15

I have 3dds and dd1 is extremely academic and quiet a serious and studious child way above expectations in her class. I'm very proud of her but used to hide her abilities a bit when competitive mums would talk about reading ages etc and pretend I didn't remember what dd was reading.

DDs 2 and 3 are bubbling along just above average and I'm extremely proud of them too. They may not be top of the class but they're the youngest in the year and have strong characters and are full of confidence.

I actually worry more about my intelligent dc than the more "normal" ones.

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 31/05/2018 12:16

I do not focus or other people’s childrens or their abilities, and I would never find myself being competitive.

I will always be proud of my son.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 31/05/2018 12:52

Both of my DC have SEN so were slow starters at school. I found this excruciating because I was very academic. It really taught me a good lesson. What you really want is for your children to fulfil their potential and their performance relative to other children is irrelevant to that. When I listen to competitive parents now (1 primary and 1 secondary child) and I think that no one will care what they got in their SATS when they reach Yr10, no one will remember when exactly the child became a fluent reader if they reach that stage by secondary school age and your child learning how to order coffee in Mandarin does not make them a linguist (think how many immigrants already speak 2 or more languages - DH comes from rural N Africa and speaks 4; he is not unusual)

Original poster
Portobellomushroom · 31/05/2018 15:21

Jamoncrumpets - while I totally accept that I'm dealing with different stuff because DC is NT - I have never said I stealth brag or even talk about my DC with others. I said I feel competitive. This is not the same. I have never once considered putting anything on SM.

OP posts:
Wineythepooh · 31/05/2018 15:27

My son has learning difficulties so it would be pointless to compare him with others. I'm only interested in him developing to his full potential.

Copperbonnet · 31/05/2018 17:56

I’m still quite interested Porto how you know how other children are doing?

How are you able to judge other kids’ scores etc?

CuppaSarah · 31/05/2018 18:05

I'm not competitive. I'm defensive. It's only reception so I know it doesn't matter, but DD is behind and until recently hadn't made any progress. It's finally coming together, but I doubt she'll be able to write a simple sentences before year 1.

But on the outside, DD is very confident and popular. She's always chosen for the lead or a big role in everything as she's one of the few confident enough and loud enough to be heard and can follow that kind of instruction perfectly. Some parents are a bit competitive with me, or defensive even in the same way I am, since DD seems to be that child that's always picked. But we all just want outlr children to do well don't we?

Original poster
Portobellomushroom · 31/05/2018 18:16

Copperbonnet - I didn't say I know how other children are doing. I have no idea of their scores. I said, quite clearly, I feel competitive.

OP posts:
Copperbonnet · 31/05/2018 19:23

I’m not trying to be arsey OP I just wondered how that competitive feeling manifested itself?

If you don’t know anyone’s score/class ranking on what basis do you compete?

I’m just interested.

Summerthunder · 31/05/2018 19:32

Oh god I had a competitive parent. It’s absolutely hideous growing up surrounded by that. It gives the message that your only loved if your beat little katie/John/bobby on the maths/English/sports test. Your much better off to teach them that you value them regardless. And whatever you do don’t boast/compete with other parents. As your kids get older they’ll be really embarrassed and you’ll create terribly awkward situations for them and their friends.

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