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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask if you feel secretly/not secretly competitive about your child's abilities at school?

88 replies

Portobellomushroom · 30/05/2018 21:11

I feel that I am. I hate it. I care about what other parents think about my kid. It's a hard trait to weaken but I'd like to. I know that it's not right.

Any advice?And please, don't come on and judge me or whip me. I've admitted my flaw, I am asking for honest, open advice.

OP posts:

Bilingualspingual · 30/05/2018 21:13

That's a flaw? That's me fucked too, then.

WittyJack · 30/05/2018 21:16

I know that I will :(

I was very academic and got a lot of praise/attention for that, so I have it firmly in my head that it's important to do well at school. But DP left school at 16 and whilst he is clearly very smart, he's not particularly academic. And the DC look just like him, so I'm guessing they will be like him in other respects too!

I'm prepared for the fact that I'm going to need to have some very firm conversations with myself about being a total dick about it when the DC are old enough for school, so I get where you're coming from.

On the other hand, I was so so bad at sport that any glimmer of athletic ability will thrill me no end!

Original poster

Portobellomushroom · 30/05/2018 21:20

Yes, Witty. Not dissimilar situation; I went to a very academic school and while things didn't exactly work out as well as the school would hope for me, I have always used academia as a key measure. DP not at all.

I hate it in myself. I want to be laid back about it!

OP posts:

OohMavis · 30/05/2018 21:22

Helps to get to know the other parents. All the time you're sharing funny stories about how annoying your kids can be in the playground, and generally relating, there's barely time for that crap.

slkk · 30/05/2018 21:23

I think I took academic and other success for granted with my older children. But having a younger child with complex needs really helps adjust that. I’m still proud of him and his achievements but accepts that what others are achieving is so far from him that it isn’t worth comparing. And I stress less about his academics as a result. Other things seem more important.

French2019 · 30/05/2018 21:30

I do care about what other parents think of my dc, but not in an academic way - I just want them to think that she is polite and well behaved and the kind of friend that they would want for their dc. I am really proud of her incredible social skills, as I struggled a bit more in this area as a child.

I have never really felt competitive about her academic abilities. That said, she's a bit of an outlier academically, so I don't really measure what she can do in comparison to her peers. I wasn't ever very competitive at school myself either, though I remember some of my friends were.

Luckily I'm not at all competitive about her artistic or sporting abilities. I reckon I'd be onto a loser if I was.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 30/05/2018 21:42

OohMavis I was going to say it helps not knowing many other parents . I think it's kind of true tbh. I've always worked full time so drop offs tend to be a quick Hi, no opportunity for anyone to innocently ask if their 7 year old is behind as s/he's only just started The Ilead!

Op when you find yourself thinking this way you probably just need to keep reminding yourself that your dc are individuals, that they'll be good at some things, mediocre at others and that there'll be things they have literally no skill, aptitude or interest in. It's fine to be interested in how they're doing academically but it's not the be all and I prefer to focus on ensuring they're happy and well rounded, that they get opportunities to try out new things, make new friends and develop any talents they do have though we've not really discovered any yet.

MrsJacksonBrodieTheSecond · 30/05/2018 21:45

My dc1 is autistic and I really want him to do well. I’m not (at this stage, he’s 5) concerned about his reading or writing but I do study him closely with other kids and give him tips on how to fit in a bit more. I get so anxious about it too. He doesn’t really have any close friends so I invited the whole class for his party. I was getting more stressed than I have in years worrying that no one would come.

BerylStreep · 30/05/2018 21:46

I think that when children are younger and PFB there is more of a tendency to compare and be convinced that yours are somehow gifted. Once they move to big school it seems to stop. It's when you end up secretly hating the children who clearly are quite talented that you realise YABU.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 30/05/2018 21:47

Yes I do. I’m terrible, I don’t even share my research or reading or methods because I want an advantage.

NB: my eldest HASNT EVEN STARTED SCHOOL

WittyJack · 30/05/2018 21:49

Beryl - oh god yes - every time I am smug about something DD1 does (e.g. knowing her letters), I look it up and see that she's bang on the average age for doing it. Curse DP and his average genes

SparklyLeprechaun · 30/05/2018 21:49

I don't care what other parents think about my DC, but I do take a lot of pride in their academic achievements and secretly get competitive if other kids do better.

hazeyjane · 30/05/2018 21:58

I don't think I am competitive with any of my dcs. I'm not sure why, I want them to be happy an do as well as they can, and have friends and have fun, and I'm not sure that comparing them with anyone would help with any of those things.

With ds, most of the other parents seem to avoid me, and I think I probably avoid them....we obviously make each other el uncomfortable. Ds has complex needs and I guess it is all part of the difficulty of squeezing a square peg into a round hole that is a shitty compromise inclusion.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 30/05/2018 22:03

My thing is that my parents were never really interested in my academics. They did nothing to help me achieve my potential and seemed to have this blind faith that I always did my best. In fact I dossed and no one cared really. I remember trying to organise music lessons, sports coaching etc and not having any support or interest. I failed at all of them really. I want my children to thrive and fulfilling academic lives

smallchanceofrain · 30/05/2018 22:04

You're not being unreasonable because it's probably human nature. That said, I can't stand the stealth braggers. My DS1 is on the autistic spectrum. He has no savant like ability with maths or any other academic subject. He's average in most areas and struggling in a few. I totally despise little Freddie's mother when she's waving his platinum award in the playground and praising him for getting 25/25 in his maths test.
DS1 is a silver award child and always will be. We long ago gave up aspiring to gold and platinum is just a dream. Sadly his school only values and rewards academic attainment. He's a talented musician and artist but there's no recognition for that. It (excuse my language) boils my piss.

House4 · 30/05/2018 22:11

I respect your honesty Portobellomushroom and it is only human. How old are you dc and how many do you have?
I found everyone started off competitive in infants then by secondary most gave up apart from those parents who weren’t very nice.
I find the worst parents are also the ones who are really braggy about how much their child has improved now compared to the ones who ‘used’ to be cleverer - what do you are pleased the other kids are doing badly now?
Being competitive with your cgildt b never ends well

House4 · 30/05/2018 22:12

*children

Andthatsthat · 30/05/2018 22:14

As much as I’d love to say I dont care or compete....I’m terrible for it!!

So refreshing to hear other people saying the same, I really beat myself up at times when I hear myself and my pushiness.

My parents were the complete opposite, I was never pushed, and if I gave up or didn’t try my best, usually nothing was said. The upshot of this was that I left school with far lower grades than I was capable of, and never really developed any extra curricular skills.

I feel this shaped me into a competitive, pushy parent. I try to reign it in though, but it’s hard. You are not alone op!

ZetaPuppis · 30/05/2018 22:15

I am to a certain extent. I want my kids to do well, naturally, but I really want them to experience stuff.
Weirdly, Im competitive about non academic education, if that makes sense.
I want them to go places and do things that help to develop them in non academic ways.
I try to develop their critical thinking, I get them to explore nature, learn about whatever is big currently in the news (especially if it’s regarding technology and space travel), bought them how to draw books etc.

speakout · 30/05/2018 22:17

No I;m not.

I am over it- I have older teens.

Pride come before a fall, kids can zoom ahead then fall back, they can struggle then zoom ahead and everything inbetween.
And while I am very proud of their achievements- which have been great there have also been times that things have not gone so well.

And schools focus far too much on academic achievement. which hampers the less able and the bright kids who need another path to a happy life.

Andthatsthat · 30/05/2018 22:17

@sprinklesinmyelbow

Your post could have been mine!! I think our parental influence has a lot to do with how we grow as parents ourselves. My parents were fantastic, I was well loved, and wanted for nothing except that push and belief from them that I could achieve anything. I’m determined my kids will feel they have that.

Rockingthestocking · 30/05/2018 22:18

I'm the complete opposite. I apologize for my daughter's achievements. She's the top of every bloody thing....art, sports, academic stuff. I play it down. She hates any attention too. She just has a gift. Sounds like a stealth boast....feels like one....and I fucking hate it. I wish I could be proud of her and i wish she could be proud of herself

CheeseyToast · 30/05/2018 22:20

Genuinely amazed. Can barely keep up with my own kids' progress never mind anyone else's. Couldn't give a tinker's cuss!

Gottalovethesummer · 30/05/2018 22:20

There is nothing wrong in wanting your child to be academic or talented in other areas. You can only measure this by comparing your child to others. It is natural for you to want them to do well in life. However, what is not acceptable is bragging about it in the playground or via FB as it is upsetting to those whose DC struggle or have SEN.

minipie · 30/05/2018 22:22

I do care about what other parents think of my dc, but not in an academic way - I just want them to think that she is polite and well behaved and the kind of friend that they would want for their dc.

This. DD is doing well academically but is not especially well behaved, especially on after school playdates 🤦‍♀️ as she's a terrible sleeper and shattered by then. So naturally that's the bit I focus on... I am secretly pleased by her academic achievements but I don't spend long thinking about it, I guess as it's not a problem and the behaviour is?

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