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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU??

144 replies

lgalla1985 · 30/05/2018 21:03

OK so this will be a long and ranting post.
I have been with my OH for 11 years we have 2 sons 6 and 8. I am currently off work recovering from an operation. I am writing this because I am extremely pissed off and I really want to shout but I don't know if I am being irrational and easily annoyed because I am in pain or not.

My OH has stated since we first started dating that he does not wish to work. We were on jsa after ds1 this went badly with him getting us sanctions twice during the first few months after having ds1. Finding this very frustrating and completely sole destroying I decided when my youngest was about 2 months old I would be the one to go out and work however I also wanted to get my qualifications so I went back to college and university and worked part time. As well as being the person who dropped off picked up kids, did house work as he prefers to sleep all day and apparently need 12 hours sleep. When I first brought up these issues with him he claimed that I would not be able to cope/ do any of this without him. My parents DO NOT AGREE with my decision to be the only one who is working and have made this extremely clear to me ALOT. This has caused a huge issue between myself and my mum as she sees this as me being taken advantage of just now I am at the point of agreeing with her

As I said at the start of the message I am currently off sick from work. I recently had an op to remove an ovarian cyst op got complicated. After a few days recovery he has taken it to mean I can do everything this is not the first time this has happened before after previous ops he then complains when it reoccurs like I have willed it to happen. This is the fourth operation I have had for the same thing this op did not go very well and I have already been told there will be another as I had anaphylaxis during my surgery.

He literally hates my mother he always has he wants me to stop going to her house with the children to see her. At first it was because I was visiting a lot while my gran was ill then it got worse when she passed as it effected my mum really badly and she wasn't coping well so I did check on her a lot.this caused huge arguments between us until I finally gave up and stopped visiting at all leading to my mum not seeing her grandsons often as she has mobility issues and can't get up the stairs in my close. However this led to him claiming that if his mother could visit then so could mine she doesn't have the mobility issues mine does.

He has started smoking weed again he does this alot. This is fine if you are paying for it with money that you have earned and aren't staying up till all hours then sleeping till after 1 pm everyday when you have responsibilitys.

He is constantly lying to me not always big lies sometimes just little ones then tells me I am wrong I didn't listen to him or I just didn't hear what he said. For example In November last year I was phoning a taxi from his phone as I had missed my bus and needed to get to the train station to go to work when a message pooped up on his phone from his ex girlfriend who he has been messaging with for a while. The message was very inappropriate for two people who are "just friends". He claims I read too much into the message but he talks in his sleep. Apparently she is just his best friend who he sends sex messages to.
I am really really not happy. I just want an out or a reasonable solution before I go nuts put him out and change the locks.

OP posts:

ICantCopeAnymore · 30/05/2018 23:02

No need for the hmm, thank you very much!

Calm down Lottie, you'll give yourself a nose bleed. You're the one that pulled apart my (simple to understand) comment.

ICantCopeAnymore · 30/05/2018 23:04

If you're going to do a PGCE, OP, you'll need masses of support. They're really hard. There are tons of assignments, lesson planning, marking, placements, making resources, reflective practise write - ups, observations, pupil profiles and much more to do. You won't know your arse from your elbow. Have you got lots of family around you to look after the children o

PurpleTigerLove · 30/05/2018 23:04

Why the hell would you have children with such a waste of space ? The mind boggles . Cut your losses and leave . I’m assuming you’re not married as you say oh so just walk away . Let’s hope your children get their work attitude from you .

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2018 23:06

Sounds as if he’s a product of his parenting if his mother thinks this piece of shit is amazing. You sound like a capable woman, who wouldn’t accept your boys to treat their partners the way he’s treating you. So why is it acceptablr to you? And have you set the bar so low? Glad you’ve decided to kick him out btw.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/05/2018 23:07

That should say And why have you set the bar so low?

PurpleTigerLove · 30/05/2018 23:08

Also you sound like someone who knows what they want NOW. You can’t chnage the past so forget about it , what’s done is done . You have your whole life and your boys to look forward to . Don’t let this dick hold you back .

Uniquack · 30/05/2018 23:20

OP - you're not useless, you CAN do this and he WILL NOT take the kids. Or maybe he has them for a week and realises that they're bloody hard work.

Sometimes things are too broken to be fixed. You said that something has changed in your head - once that happens you need to leave or you'll be even unhappier and very resentful (been there done that). I've been on MN for years, but you have my first LTB.

ThistleAmore · 30/05/2018 23:23

@PurpleTigerLove

Also you sound like someone who knows what they want NOW. You can’t change the past so forget about it , what’s done is done . You have your whole life and your boys to look forward to . Don’t let this dick hold you back.

I wish MN had a 'like' button.

Curlywurlywurly · 31/05/2018 07:18

There seems to be an awful lot of victim blaming in this thread.

Pfftlife · 31/05/2018 07:58

You have done amazingly well to get yourself through university while going through all this at home. Be proud of yourself. Threatening to keep the kids is an empty threat, he would be far too lazy to do anything to arrange that and what court would let him.

Keep your head high you've done everything to provide for your children

LoudestRoar · 31/05/2018 08:11

This man has been taking full advantage of your low confidence. Opp, today is the day that you take back your life.
Please don't let him worm his way back in again. You're going to be setting such a good example to your boys, and they are going to be mega proud of you. You can do this.

SimonBridges · 31/05/2018 08:29

Back the fuck up here.

You have managed to graduate with honours while he can’t even manage to haul his lazy arse to the dole office to sign on?

Fuck him, you are so much better and worth so much more.
When you get your teaching qualification you will be working every hour that god sends. Will you really be prepared to work so hard to fund him sitting on his arse?

Can your mum move in with you for a bit?

BakedBeans47 · 31/05/2018 08:32

He’s a lazy useless bastard. LTB.

MarthasGinYard · 31/05/2018 08:40

Ugh I wouldn't want one of life's takers around my dc. They will think it's the norm

Bloody hell

Raise their bar even if yours remains stuck

RabbitsAreTasty · 31/05/2018 08:50

Get rid of him now. Imagine how great life will be this time next year. Really imagine it. In detail. Go get that future.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 31/05/2018 08:54

Send him back to mummy and show your kids that they need a work ethic and ambitions to get anywhere. They will thank you and he won't get full residence of them. You'll be financially better off and won't have a deadbeat leeching off you anymore. I see no downsides at all. Give yourself a shake, get someone to watch the kids for the weekend if possible and start packing for him in the bin bags I bet he arrived with.

LoveInTokyo · 31/05/2018 08:56

Jesus Christ, this man is the very definition of a cocklodger. And I’m sorry to say it, but he does not love you. If he did he would want to be a better person for you and your kids. Sling him out and get the locks changed, lovely.

narkedwithanarc · 31/05/2018 09:33

Stop making excuses for him and leave!

I was in your position just last year. Best decision I ever made was to leave. He is not worth the stress and hassle. Do the responsible thing for your kids and spend your money on them, not this worthless idiot.

CornishMaid1 · 31/05/2018 13:50

You are not useless and you can do it alone. It is hard if you have low confidence but MNetters believe in you.

I am not going to say the relationship was a mistake, as without it you would not have your DC, so he did one good thing. However, you know in your heart you need to throw him out and be strong.

You had your DC, went back and graduated with honours, work and look after your children - you are an impressive woman.

Your DM will be there for you if you kick him out (bet she can't wait) so you have support.

He will not take your children - he may say he will, but you don't have to be a stay at home parent to have custody. They are at school so you can do it alone with support from your family. From what you said there is no way they will assess both of you and decide he is the best person to have your children.

Be strong and go with your heart. Kick him out.

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