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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU??

144 replies

lgalla1985 · 30/05/2018 21:03

OK so this will be a long and ranting post.
I have been with my OH for 11 years we have 2 sons 6 and 8. I am currently off work recovering from an operation. I am writing this because I am extremely pissed off and I really want to shout but I don't know if I am being irrational and easily annoyed because I am in pain or not.

My OH has stated since we first started dating that he does not wish to work. We were on jsa after ds1 this went badly with him getting us sanctions twice during the first few months after having ds1. Finding this very frustrating and completely sole destroying I decided when my youngest was about 2 months old I would be the one to go out and work however I also wanted to get my qualifications so I went back to college and university and worked part time. As well as being the person who dropped off picked up kids, did house work as he prefers to sleep all day and apparently need 12 hours sleep. When I first brought up these issues with him he claimed that I would not be able to cope/ do any of this without him. My parents DO NOT AGREE with my decision to be the only one who is working and have made this extremely clear to me ALOT. This has caused a huge issue between myself and my mum as she sees this as me being taken advantage of just now I am at the point of agreeing with her

As I said at the start of the message I am currently off sick from work. I recently had an op to remove an ovarian cyst op got complicated. After a few days recovery he has taken it to mean I can do everything this is not the first time this has happened before after previous ops he then complains when it reoccurs like I have willed it to happen. This is the fourth operation I have had for the same thing this op did not go very well and I have already been told there will be another as I had anaphylaxis during my surgery.

He literally hates my mother he always has he wants me to stop going to her house with the children to see her. At first it was because I was visiting a lot while my gran was ill then it got worse when she passed as it effected my mum really badly and she wasn't coping well so I did check on her a lot.this caused huge arguments between us until I finally gave up and stopped visiting at all leading to my mum not seeing her grandsons often as she has mobility issues and can't get up the stairs in my close. However this led to him claiming that if his mother could visit then so could mine she doesn't have the mobility issues mine does.

He has started smoking weed again he does this alot. This is fine if you are paying for it with money that you have earned and aren't staying up till all hours then sleeping till after 1 pm everyday when you have responsibilitys.

He is constantly lying to me not always big lies sometimes just little ones then tells me I am wrong I didn't listen to him or I just didn't hear what he said. For example In November last year I was phoning a taxi from his phone as I had missed my bus and needed to get to the train station to go to work when a message pooped up on his phone from his ex girlfriend who he has been messaging with for a while. The message was very inappropriate for two people who are "just friends". He claims I read too much into the message but he talks in his sleep. Apparently she is just his best friend who he sends sex messages to.
I am really really not happy. I just want an out or a reasonable solution before I go nuts put him out and change the locks.

OP posts:

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 30/05/2018 22:29

I put him out and the thought that he would take my babies and win

NO.

This is the biggest tactic used to control mothers: that the other person will take the kids. Bullshit. Its simply fear factor.

Document when he goes smoking, ask for a drugs test.

19lottie82 · 30/05/2018 22:30

Leave. Now.

The OP doesn’t even need to leave, it’s her house!

Seriously OP, the money he takes off you to spend on weed each week, you could be putting that away for your kids future!

Tell him to leave and if he doesn’t change the locks.

numptynuts · 30/05/2018 22:31

Jesus wept OP.

What an absolutely useless article he is. Wishing you a speedy recovery so you can get rid of this clown and get on with your life.

snowbear66 · 30/05/2018 22:32

I was the same, it was OK when we were younger as we were living a kind of hippy lifestyle (though I always worked) but after children, he didn't change, all his friends did and started to earn money but not my ex.
Fundamentally he was incapable of fairness and was just using me, I became very resentful of him being at home with my kids & his computer, this went on for years.
Sounds similar to your bloke-they are not proactive and he will never leave, just drag you down little by little. He won't change, get rid.

Original poster

lgalla1985 · 30/05/2018 22:33

I had already reached my decision before I made this post. The post is out of frustration anger and hurt. I know it is the best for myself and for my boys that I do this however I also know that I have to be strong enough to do it that I won't back down and let him back in. I am already speaking to a consoler as has been advised I also spke to my doctor about it who set up the appointment for me. Yes I do have very low self esteem, I have very low confidence.

OP posts:

Inertia · 30/05/2018 22:34

If everything is in your name then it should be possible to get him to leave.

I second the advice about speaking to Women's Aid about strategies for getting him out safely.

It's worth you speaking to the safeguarding lead at your children's school. As he's threatened to take the children away if you leave him, there is a potential risk to their safety that they need to be aware of (does he have parental responsibility, given that you're not married?). This would mean that there's a record of your concerns, and it may be possible for the school to set the wheels in motion for other areas of support for you all.

ICantCopeAnymore · 30/05/2018 22:34

Lottie - leave him, not the house

Mooneyes · 30/05/2018 22:34

Are you joking? Seriously?

So when you got together, he what, just told you he wasn't planning in working? So he's spent 11 years sleeping and playing video games, maybe giving the bathroom a clean?

Fuck me. And you fell for that?

ThistleAmore · 30/05/2018 22:36

Look, mate, I'm terribly sorry to have to say this, but you're a f*cking idiot, and every minute you spend with this idiot man makes you more of an idiot.

Get out, NOW, take your kids with you, and give them a better life, away from this twat.

You sound as though you have a brain in your head and hopefully a support network of some form, even if it's just your mum (who I feel really sorry for), so do it, NOW, before you get totally sucked in and end up living a life full of regrets.

LTB, as they say in these parts.

Baubletrouble43 · 30/05/2018 22:36

Have my first LTB. First rule of dating : he has to have a job. That's what I told my dd . Why you didn't dump his sorry ass the minute he revealed his workshy tendencies mystifies me. You sound like a go getter. Go get yourself a better man!!

ISpeakJive · 30/05/2018 22:36

I can’t believe there are people like this who exist in the world!
I also can’t believe that there are people who marry people like this and just put up with this shit!

19lottie82 · 30/05/2018 22:37

leave him, not the house

Yes I know that, just the phrase suggests otherwise. It would really be her OH that would be “leaving”, not the OP as she won’t be going anywhere.

No need for the , thank you very much!

C0untDucku1a · 30/05/2018 22:38

Are you actually doing a degree now op? Or working towards it?

Re the dp: i honestly dont know why you thought he was a good choice of partner in the first place. He told you, he actually told you he was lazy, yet you still had children with him.

Women would be so much better off remembering that MEN DO NOT CHANGE. He is exactly the person you decided to have children with.

AJPTaylor · 30/05/2018 22:39

What example do you want your kids to folllow?

bluemascara · 30/05/2018 22:40

Oh god just leave him
He is giving you nothing

DuchessAnnogovia · 30/05/2018 22:40

You say that he's stated you can't do anything /cope without him. But that's exactly what you have been doing! How the hell did he manage to get sanctioned twice? This 'man' is a total burden to you. How the hell you haven't kicked him out on his sorry arse is beyond me! Get rid of this waste of space as soon as possible.

ThistleAmore · 30/05/2018 22:40

I'm sorry, I hadn't read the thread properly before I said LTB.

What I actually meant was: drag his sorry, stinking, workshy arse off YOUR couch, chuck him out the door, and change the locks.

Fixed now.

Original poster

lgalla1985 · 30/05/2018 22:40

He didn't tell me on the first date no it was a while after but I did knowingly support it so Yes I am aware of how much of a f**king idiot I am.

OP posts:

Inertia · 30/05/2018 22:42

Your confidence is low because he drains it. He has to, because you hold all the cards. You have your children, your job, your degree, your home, the support of your family, and the desire to make a better life for your children.

All he has is you, and you are currently his passport to a lifetime of sleeping all day and smoking weed with his mates all night. He batters your confidence and makes threats because your work ethic is funding his lifestyle.

ThistleAmore · 30/05/2018 22:43

THIS.

And you can be SO strong because of this, so BE strong, and do it.

Original poster

lgalla1985 · 30/05/2018 22:47

DuchessAnnogovia the first time he was sanctioned I am not sure what for he never even told me it had happened I found out when I went to get money for milk. The second time he never turned up for the appointment.

C0untDucku1a I graduated with honors in November last year 6 months after my class as I had to resit as I missed an exam. I am going to do my post grad in teaching in August.

OP posts:

Orangecake123 · 30/05/2018 22:52

I used to believe that all you needed was love. But then I realized that sometimes love is not enough. I got to the end of your paragraph but the sexting on top is awful. It's your choice to continue to accept this as a standard for your children to follow or demand something better.

aprilanne · 30/05/2018 22:52

well all i can say is as the mother of sons if he was my child i would be deeply ashamed of him. my husband would be round there dragging him from his bed adult or no.t no wonder your mum doesnt like him. being ill is one thing being a lazy sod is quite another

Frusso · 30/05/2018 22:56

I just want an out or a reasonable solution before I go nuts put him out and change the locks.
This is your reasonable solution,

Do you want your sons to grow up thinking that his behaviour as a boyfriend, as a father, is acceptable or do you want them to grow up as functional members of society? Because they are learning from what they are seeing.

Original poster

lgalla1985 · 30/05/2018 23:00

His mother would not she put up with that for years enabled it reassured that it was OK to do it. Gives him money after his screw ups in general thinks he is f**king amazing.

OP posts:

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