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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU??

144 replies

lgalla1985 · 30/05/2018 21:03

OK so this will be a long and ranting post.
I have been with my OH for 11 years we have 2 sons 6 and 8. I am currently off work recovering from an operation. I am writing this because I am extremely pissed off and I really want to shout but I don't know if I am being irrational and easily annoyed because I am in pain or not.

My OH has stated since we first started dating that he does not wish to work. We were on jsa after ds1 this went badly with him getting us sanctions twice during the first few months after having ds1. Finding this very frustrating and completely sole destroying I decided when my youngest was about 2 months old I would be the one to go out and work however I also wanted to get my qualifications so I went back to college and university and worked part time. As well as being the person who dropped off picked up kids, did house work as he prefers to sleep all day and apparently need 12 hours sleep. When I first brought up these issues with him he claimed that I would not be able to cope/ do any of this without him. My parents DO NOT AGREE with my decision to be the only one who is working and have made this extremely clear to me ALOT. This has caused a huge issue between myself and my mum as she sees this as me being taken advantage of just now I am at the point of agreeing with her

As I said at the start of the message I am currently off sick from work. I recently had an op to remove an ovarian cyst op got complicated. After a few days recovery he has taken it to mean I can do everything this is not the first time this has happened before after previous ops he then complains when it reoccurs like I have willed it to happen. This is the fourth operation I have had for the same thing this op did not go very well and I have already been told there will be another as I had anaphylaxis during my surgery.

He literally hates my mother he always has he wants me to stop going to her house with the children to see her. At first it was because I was visiting a lot while my gran was ill then it got worse when she passed as it effected my mum really badly and she wasn't coping well so I did check on her a lot.this caused huge arguments between us until I finally gave up and stopped visiting at all leading to my mum not seeing her grandsons often as she has mobility issues and can't get up the stairs in my close. However this led to him claiming that if his mother could visit then so could mine she doesn't have the mobility issues mine does.

He has started smoking weed again he does this alot. This is fine if you are paying for it with money that you have earned and aren't staying up till all hours then sleeping till after 1 pm everyday when you have responsibilitys.

He is constantly lying to me not always big lies sometimes just little ones then tells me I am wrong I didn't listen to him or I just didn't hear what he said. For example In November last year I was phoning a taxi from his phone as I had missed my bus and needed to get to the train station to go to work when a message pooped up on his phone from his ex girlfriend who he has been messaging with for a while. The message was very inappropriate for two people who are "just friends". He claims I read too much into the message but he talks in his sleep. Apparently she is just his best friend who he sends sex messages to.
I am really really not happy. I just want an out or a reasonable solution before I go nuts put him out and change the locks.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/05/2018 21:46

Listen to your mother.

Gazelda · 30/05/2018 21:46

Your life could be so much better than this. You've got a work ethic. You've earned extra qualifications while working and bringing up your DC. You're a loving daughter who cares for her family.
Honestly, you could have a lovely future ahead of you, but you went while you stay with this dick.
And the same goes for your DSs.

19lottie82 · 30/05/2018 21:46

My OH has stated since we first started dating that he does not wish to work.

Why on earth did you stay with this loser, let alone have kids with him? Shock

squiglet111 · 30/05/2018 21:47

I'm sorry.... I just don't understand? Why are you with him? You work, do everything in house and he stays home and plays video games!

He contributes nothing at all to the family/ relationship. So kicking him out will actually make your life easier. So seriously, ltb!

Inertia · 30/05/2018 21:47

Well, I'm sure we'd all prefer to sleep and arse about all day, with someone else doing all our cooking, housework and childcare as well as earning all the money. But life isn't like that for grown ups in full possession of their health- and in fact I don't think many teenagers would get away with it either.

His emotional development was already delayed when you got together, but as you've tackled your responsibilities he's been increasingly left behind. He is never going to step up, because life is too cushy. And he needs to isolate you from any form of support, in case you escape- once you're gone, his meal ticket is over.

Inertia · 30/05/2018 21:49

Is the house in your name?

Notevilstepmother · 30/05/2018 21:49

He is isolating her from her mother. Red flag and emotional abuse.

He is gaslighting her about his ex and probably other stuff. Red flag and emotional abuse.

He is spending family money on drugs and refuses to work to support his kids. Red flag and financial abuse.

He tells her she can’t manage without him. Emotional abuse.

Op is physically vulnerable at present due to having been in hospital.

Leaving is often the most difficult and dangerous time. Emotional abuse is often harder to deal with than physical abuse.

Elephantscanring, let woman’s aid decide for themselves who they want to help. We don’t have the full story and already there are signs. Who put you in charge of the judgy pants?

Your advice is unhelpful, minimising and potentially dangerous. Biscuit

Original poster
lgalla1985 · 30/05/2018 21:50

Inertia everything is in my name!

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 30/05/2018 21:50

YOU have to solve this - not wait around for some magical solution.

I find it unbelievable that an adult with children can be so blasé about the poor life she’s giving them. Because you are. No matter how much you do for them it will not cancel out the shitty example your ‘partner’ is giving them.

Will you be happy if your children turn out like him or end up with a partner like him?

MrsTommyBanks · 30/05/2018 21:52

This is coming from a good place. Get the useless selfish wanker out of your life. He is treating you like shit and is never going to change.
You however can absolutely change your life. I truely wish you strength and good things Flowers

Notevilstepmother · 30/05/2018 21:52

I would suggest you wait until you are physically stronger and recovered from surgery, and ask him to leave.

Do you have a brother or similar who can be with you if he kicks off? Do you think he will go?

ForTheLoveOfCrispyCreme · 30/05/2018 21:53

Is this real?!

Blaablaablaa · 30/05/2018 21:55

I have to.agree that @elephant 's advice is incredibly dangerous. Emotional abuse can escalate extremely quickly especially if he suspects she is planning to leave.

My friend was being emotionally abused by her boyfriend - relatively low level and he showed no violent traits yet he killed her in her sleep when he discovered she was going to leave him.

Please call women's aid. They will help you leave - because leaving is really the only option.

ArchchancellorsHat · 30/05/2018 21:55

Punt him out and get a cat if you need something to lie about sleeping and making mess all day. At least they're cute. This guy is a drug using, probably cheating sponge. What are you getting from the relationship? What are your children getting from it?

Original poster
lgalla1985 · 30/05/2018 21:56

ForTheLoveOfCrispyCreme I wish it wasn't real I really wish it wasn't Blush

OP posts:
FASH84 · 30/05/2018 21:56

He's an absolute waste of space but he's not a list, he outright told you he was a lazy bastard and you had kids with him! Who did you expect to fund that? Our welfare system is for those in need not those who openly say they don't want to work, don't parent their own children and smoke weed instead. You need to pull on your big girl pants kick him out and don't look back, and please make better choices in the future, your DC need to know what being an active contributing member of society is and that their dad is not to be looked at as a role model. You got yourself an education and a job, you can do this.

Dsc1907 · 30/05/2018 21:57

I'm with @notevilstepmother on this.

FASH84 · 30/05/2018 21:57

*liar not list

Cherrysherbet · 30/05/2018 21:58

I couldn't be with a man who 'doesn't wish to work'. That is just unbelievable. It isn't a choice 🙄 He needs to get a grip, and start supporting his family.

KarmaStar · 30/05/2018 21:58

OP,you are worth so much more than this!
You are very clearly intelligent and ambitious,forward thinking and capable.
Dont,please,waste another day of your life in this person.
He is never going to change,other than the side effects of the weed making him paranoid amongst other things.
He will drag you down.
If you stay with him you will absolutely regret it.
We all say"if only I'd known then what I known now I'd have done things differently "well,you do know now,several pm have told you!don't ,please,stay with this person op.
He free!to be who you are,to enjoy life and meet someone who has the same work ethic,who fits in with your family,who makes you happy,who supports you.who always puts you first.that man is out there.
But most of all,do it for you.ltb.Flowers

Usernameunknown2 · 30/05/2018 22:00

He is a waste of time, money and emotion. Sack him off.

DailyMailClickbait · 30/05/2018 22:01

And you chose to have kids with this fine specimen?

Kick the fucker out. He doesn't contribute. He's smoking weed, bought with money that you are out earning because he doesn't want to work.

No wonder he hates your Mum and doesn't want you to see her. He knows that she'd like nothing better than for you to dump his sorry arse. I feel very sorry for her; it must be soul-destroying to see your daughter treated like shit and ground down by a lazy fucking arsehole.

LuckyLuckyWoman · 30/05/2018 22:03

I got as far as 'my mum thinks this is me being taken advantage of' THIS absolutely THIS

You and your children deserve so much more. You can do this without him that's for sure.

CocoAndTheChocolates · 30/05/2018 22:03

Is this who your dreamed of being with? Is this a relationship you would hope your DCS would have?!

What's the point of him?! You feel drained because HES A FUCKING MASSIVE DRAIN

ProudThrilledHappy · 30/05/2018 22:04

Step 1: tell him to leave. Give him a few hours to find a friend or relative who can put him up while he looks for a room or flat

Step 2: call police if he refuses

Step 3: dont let him back. He is less use to you than a pot plant: At least a pot plant gives you oxygen for some of the day

Step 4: start growing your self esteem and confidence - see a counsellor or spend time with people who give a shit about you and actually show it

Step 5: enjoy life without the useless sack of flaccid cells hanging around