Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU??

144 replies

lgalla1985 · 30/05/2018 21:03

OK so this will be a long and ranting post.
I have been with my OH for 11 years we have 2 sons 6 and 8. I am currently off work recovering from an operation. I am writing this because I am extremely pissed off and I really want to shout but I don't know if I am being irrational and easily annoyed because I am in pain or not.

My OH has stated since we first started dating that he does not wish to work. We were on jsa after ds1 this went badly with him getting us sanctions twice during the first few months after having ds1. Finding this very frustrating and completely sole destroying I decided when my youngest was about 2 months old I would be the one to go out and work however I also wanted to get my qualifications so I went back to college and university and worked part time. As well as being the person who dropped off picked up kids, did house work as he prefers to sleep all day and apparently need 12 hours sleep. When I first brought up these issues with him he claimed that I would not be able to cope/ do any of this without him. My parents DO NOT AGREE with my decision to be the only one who is working and have made this extremely clear to me ALOT. This has caused a huge issue between myself and my mum as she sees this as me being taken advantage of just now I am at the point of agreeing with her

As I said at the start of the message I am currently off sick from work. I recently had an op to remove an ovarian cyst op got complicated. After a few days recovery he has taken it to mean I can do everything this is not the first time this has happened before after previous ops he then complains when it reoccurs like I have willed it to happen. This is the fourth operation I have had for the same thing this op did not go very well and I have already been told there will be another as I had anaphylaxis during my surgery.

He literally hates my mother he always has he wants me to stop going to her house with the children to see her. At first it was because I was visiting a lot while my gran was ill then it got worse when she passed as it effected my mum really badly and she wasn't coping well so I did check on her a lot.this caused huge arguments between us until I finally gave up and stopped visiting at all leading to my mum not seeing her grandsons often as she has mobility issues and can't get up the stairs in my close. However this led to him claiming that if his mother could visit then so could mine she doesn't have the mobility issues mine does.

He has started smoking weed again he does this alot. This is fine if you are paying for it with money that you have earned and aren't staying up till all hours then sleeping till after 1 pm everyday when you have responsibilitys.

He is constantly lying to me not always big lies sometimes just little ones then tells me I am wrong I didn't listen to him or I just didn't hear what he said. For example In November last year I was phoning a taxi from his phone as I had missed my bus and needed to get to the train station to go to work when a message pooped up on his phone from his ex girlfriend who he has been messaging with for a while. The message was very inappropriate for two people who are "just friends". He claims I read too much into the message but he talks in his sleep. Apparently she is just his best friend who he sends sex messages to.
I am really really not happy. I just want an out or a reasonable solution before I go nuts put him out and change the locks.

OP posts:

Carycach100 · 30/05/2018 22:05

presumably for a good number of these years he was a stay at home dad to your sons? But now t doesn't sound as if he is contributing at all financially, physically or emotionally.
If you split up though would he go for custody of the kids.As he has been primary carer for most of their lives would he win?

WaxOnFeckOff · 30/05/2018 22:07

Your "reasonable solution" is "to put him out and change the locks"

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 30/05/2018 22:09

Do not make the mistake of confusing familiarity with love.

After 11 years, this is what you have come to know, and this is what you are 'comfortable' with. Whether right or wrong, this has come to be what you know.

If everything is in your name, you hold the cards here.

Leaving is the hardest part. It wont be him you miss, but rather the routine. You're already a single parent, if you leave him then you will just have two kids to look after, not three.

If you have the drive to go back to education and work, you have the balls to give him his marching orders.

Goodasgoldilox · 30/05/2018 22:09

It is hard to see how he offers anything to you. I agree - he doesn't seem like the partner you need or deserve.

How will you feel when your children grow up and choose to be with someone who treats them like this?

Leaving him would be good for them. He isn't the role model you would want for them - nor is he good for their idea of what a reasonable life-partner will be like!

WaxOnFeckOff · 30/05/2018 22:09

Carycach - I think the presumption is maybe wrong, looks like the OP has been dropping them elsewhere, can't look after kids when you are a lazy arse asleep and smoking weed and probably shagging your ex.

Original poster

lgalla1985 · 30/05/2018 22:11

Carrycach100 that is what is terrifying me its what he told me he would do the last time I put him out the thought that he would take my babies and win as he technically as far as any authority would see has been there main parent!

OP posts:

SimonBridges · 30/05/2018 22:12

You know the right thing is to kick him out. You wouldn’t have posted this if you didn’t. You knew this was the answer you were going to get.

Can your mother come and stay with you while you get him out? It’ll give stability to the children and support to you.

I know you are worried about upsetting the children but it will be far worse for them to have him in the house.

Just think about the future when you are both old. Can you imagine him nursing you through an illness or attending to your intimate needs?

Bumdishcloths · 30/05/2018 22:13

Sounds like one of my exes. Cited mental health issues for his prohibitively expensive weed habit (funded entirely by the state) and complete 'inability' to be awake during the day/get any kind of job. Didn't want to work. Got annoyed when I was at work. Sent dick pics to numerous randoms on mental health forums. Said I would be a terrible mother, never find anyone to love me etc etc etc.

I put up with that bollocks for a year and a half, then I had an epiphany, realised my self worth and broke up with him. He continued to stalk me and send threatening emails/texts/voicemails for 6 months.

You need a wake up call - this is it. Don't continue to waste the best years of your life with this soul sucking c**t.

SimonBridges · 30/05/2018 22:13

Any judge etc would look at him and see a weed smoking waster, not a caring parent.

Charliecatpaws · 30/05/2018 22:14

Please either kick him out or leave, you and your children are worth much more than this.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/05/2018 22:15

”I just want an out or a reasonable solution before I go nuts put him out and change the locks.”

@Igalla1985, kicking him out and changing the locks IS the reasonable solution.

He is a useless, waste of space cocklodger, and both you and your children deserve so much better. He does not value you at all - you need to value yourself enough to say you won’t put up with him any more.

NewPapaGuinea · 30/05/2018 22:15

Can you list his positive attributes, because all I read was he’s a lazy, scrounging, weed smoking, waster?

AlpacaLypse · 30/05/2018 22:17

Ilovelearning · 30/05/2018 22:17

Igalla, you have finally reached the decision in your mind that you can no longer tolerate his behavior and understandably you want to protect your children from the unpleasantness that will occur when you ask him to leave. But you need to put yourself and the children first. You are obviously a strong person, you have re-trained and have got a job, you are a good role model to your children. But they are being hurt by what is happening in their lives now. At 6 and 8 they will understand a lot more than you give them credit for. You just need to take that final step, it will be hard for a time, but you and the children will adjust and your lives will be the better for it. I have never posted anything like this before, but your post has really hit home.

feelingfree17 · 30/05/2018 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dsc1907 · 30/05/2018 22:18

Threatening to take your children away from you to scare you out of leaving him is straight out of the abuser's handbook.

Seriously, call women's aid to get some advice and support on where you stand and how to move forward.

You deserve better.

divafever99 · 30/05/2018 22:19

Listen to your mum, she's right!

PlateOfBiscuits · 30/05/2018 22:20

Love, come on now - you’re being a bit pathetic. You know the right thing to do. Start off with something small and take it from there.

lunatunes · 30/05/2018 22:21

Bloody hell, why are you with this man?

Cloudyapples · 30/05/2018 22:22

Op based on what you know of how lazy he is, do you really think he’d go for full custody of your kids? If he did that he would actually have to be the main carer and do everything you currently do, plus I imagine it’s not an easy process going to court to get custody in the first place (or cheap). So as a man with no work ethic and limited income, ask yourself what is actually the likelihood he’d get off his arse and motivate himself long enough to go through with it? He’s saying it to scare you, that’s all.

19lottie82 · 30/05/2018 22:24

I put him out the thought that he would take my babies and win

Oh come on OP! Do you really think he wants the responsibility of actually looking after 2 kids full time, by himself?
And to pay the thousands of pound that he will need for a lawyer?

Be realistic!

ToPlanZ · 30/05/2018 22:25

OP it's no wonder you're suffering from inertia, you're drained! Every step you take away from this man is going to make you stronger, healthier and more energetic. He's no sort of role model for your children, he's a lazy, unfaithful scrounger.

Start getting your ducks in a row. Get the legal advice you need. You eat an elephant one bite at a time and that's the way to tackle this.

Good luck.

bridgetreilly · 30/05/2018 22:26

He's not going to get full custody. He's not even going to actually want it. Don't let him scare you into staying with him by these empty threats.

From everything you've said, you're effectively a single parent already. You can do without him. You'll be better off without him in so many ways.

TellerTuesday4EVA · 30/05/2018 22:27

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous!!

ICantCopeAnymore · 30/05/2018 22:28

A lot of men say they'll take the kids. First off, that'd never happen. Never.

Secondly, if he lives his life like he does now, he'd bring them back within the hour.

Leave. Now. Don't waste another second of your life on him.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread