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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exs family wanting contact with DD.

86 replies

TopofthePops · 30/05/2018 17:39

I split with XH 7 years ago when DD was 2. Since then he has been a shit parent to DD. He has disappeared 3 times and didn't contact us forwell over a year each time. The last time he wanted to come back into her life I told him that this would need to be the last time he messed her about because in the time he would be gone, it took such a lot of reassuring and mopping up tears to convince her it wasn't her fault.

2 years ago he disappeared out of her life again, she was so so upset that I vowed I would never allow him to do this to her again. He runs his own business and has quite a cushy life-style with his new wife and her kids but yet he doesn't pay a penny in maintenance.

His parents and siblings have never contacted me to see DD in the times he goes AWOL, don't send birthday or christmas cards to her or invite her to her cousins birthday parties etc and generally don't acknowledge her.

One of my friends was out at the weekend and met his sister in the pub and they got chatting about my DD, his sister was asking how DD was getting on...my friend told her "Well to be honest, she's great now but your brother fucking off yet again really really hurt her, he's a disgrace and you and your family are not much better Shock"

The sister has obviously told her parents because the next day his father messaged me on Facebook and asked to see DD. His sister also text me with pathetic excuses about why they haven't bothered with DD.

So my fear is that if I allow them back into DDs life, it will trigger the fact her father doesn't want her or he'll try and come back into her life again when he hears his family have contact and then he/they'll abandon her again and the whole cycle begins again. I honestly don't think I could watch her go through that again, it broke my heart into 1000 pieces watching her hurting. So would I be unreasonable to just ignore them? I haven't replied to any of their messages yet.

OP posts:
Enoughnowplease · 30/05/2018 17:43

I have no answers but it sounds like they are doing it because they don’t want to look bad to others, not because they actually care about seeing your DD. Also if they are accused of the same thing in future they can blame you because they ‘tried’

Kitkat2018 · 30/05/2018 17:44

How old is DD, is she mature enough to talk to about this? If contact between them and her were to happen would you be comfortable doing it in a place where she felt safe, such as your home? Keep it all super casual?
I can understand your trepadition and hurt. I've always kept the door open for my exdh family to see our dd. They've never taken me up on it.
I see it as my duty to facilitate contact but not actively seek it out of that makes sence?

Notevilstepmother · 30/05/2018 17:49

Whilst I’d be suspicious, I think I wouldn’t want to be the one who stopped a child from seeing Auntie and Grandparents. It might not be great, and perhaps you can talk to her to manage expectations, but it might be that they do genuinely wish to have contact and it might not be a bad thing.

I’ve known situations where the father has told his siblings and parents the mum won’t allow contact, which turned out to be a load of bollocks. Mum was happy for the child to see family, he was a liar who didn’t want to make himself look bad when his parents realised he wasn’t supporting his child and had treated his ex badly.

Can you maybe speak to them in advance and explain that you are worried about her being let down again?

Dsc1907 · 30/05/2018 17:49

I wouldn't be replying to them.

AaronPurrSir · 30/05/2018 17:49

Massive round of applause and CakeWineGinto your friend for that speech! What a legend and a great friend.

Notevilstepmother · 30/05/2018 17:50

For all you know, the Auntie might have sent cards and presents via her brother, and he hasn’t passed them on. It does happen Sad

happinessischocolate · 30/05/2018 17:50

Maybe meet up with his sister for a coffee and explain your reservations? Then depending on what she says make a decision.

My ex was fucking useless but has now been having ds some weekends for the past couple of years. Dd still doesn't spend time with him as she thinks he's a twat, his family have always sent bday cards and presents though, so I've never had your decision to make.

Eastcoastmost · 30/05/2018 17:51

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Where do you think your ex learnt his shitty behaviour? Don’t go there.

Notevilstepmother · 30/05/2018 17:51

Does your friend think they are genuine? She is the one to ask as she had face to face conversation and could judge the body language etc.

Original poster
TopofthePops · 30/05/2018 17:52

Enoughnowplease That's what I feel, I think they're only asking to see her because my friend shamed them and they want to ease their guilt.

Kitkat2018 DD is 9. She used to talk about him/them quite often usually with tears dripping down her face. Now she hardly mentions them but if she does, she doesn't get upset anymore. No I wouldn't feel comfortable with them in my home. I honestly feel in my heart that she's better off without them, my family and DHs family have all helped her mend her broken little heart and she's so happy these days but I just wanted opinions because I know I might not be thinking straight.

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AllMYSmellySocks · 30/05/2018 17:54

It's very difficult. How well do you know his family? Are they nice people, do you think they might have been keeping their distance just because they thought you'd want nothing to do with them (after how badly your ex behaved)? Or are they simply trying to save face now they know other people are judging their lack of interest in DD?

SoddingUnicorns · 30/05/2018 17:57

Your friend sounds ace, well done to her (?) for telling them some home fucking truths!

I wouldn’t respond tbh, you’ve seen the pain your DD has endured from her so called father, and if they gave a shit they’d have been in touch before a random in a pub bollocking them spurred them into action!

HandbagCrazy · 30/05/2018 17:58

I think you would be completely reasonable to respond by saying that actually, as your DD hasn't been playing on their mind and they haven't been in touch, you won't be facilitating any contact.

To be quite blunt, they don't matter. Who cares if they're upset? Your DD is the priority here, and if it was as easy as sending a fb message to get in touch, they would have done so before now if they were genuine.

Tell them no and block. Your DD deserves family she can rely on.

Kitkat2018 · 30/05/2018 17:58

If you think it's going to cause major upset for her, then I might just also ignore.
It's hard Flowers for you.

Original poster
TopofthePops · 30/05/2018 17:59

I’ve known situations where the father has told his siblings and parents the mum won’t allow contact, which turned out to be a load of bollocks

His family knew from the beginning that I never stopped him seeing DD, otherwise I have no doubt that's what he would've tried to tell them. When we split I told him and his family that they could see DD any time they wanted.

Notevilstepmother My friend thinks they've got a damn cheek to contact me after all this time and believes it's only because the sister got a telling off from her. She said the sister just went silent and looked embarrassed when she told her off.

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Neolara · 30/05/2018 17:59

As suggested above, I would meet with the sister and explain your concerns and get a feel for what she and her parents might be interested in doing. At least then you can make a more informed decision. As others have said, you have no idea what your ex may have told his family about you and your dd.

SoddingUnicorns · 30/05/2018 18:01

My friend thinks they've got a damn cheek to contact me after all this time and believes it's only because the sister got a telling off from her. She said the sister just went silent and looked embarrassed when she told her off

I think your friend is right. I also think the sister should have been embarrassed! They’ve abandoned your DD and expect to just rock up now? Pfft.

NukaColaGirl · 30/05/2018 18:02

Ive had similar OP. DD was 7 weeks old when my ExH disappeared. He hasn’t seen her since, she’s now 2.5 years old. When she was 7 months, his Mum turned up on my doorstep, I let her in. She sat and sobbed on my sofa about how sorry she was and how disgusted she was by ExH, and that even she didn’t know where he was. I was hesitant. I agree that she could come to my house once or twice a week, to see DD. She asked if ExSILs could come too, I said yes. ExSILs came twice, ExMIL came twice a week for 7 weeks then disappeared out of the blue. Blocked my calls. (They’d already blocked me on social media when I was pregnant.) No explanation, nothing. Fortunately DD didn’t know any different but it took me months to get over.

Ive not heard from any of them since but it would be a resounding fuck off if they ever called again, will I fuck give them another chance to shit on my child.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/05/2018 18:05

I think you have every right and reason to reply quite curtly!

No! That won't be in her best interests. Being reminded that her own father has chosen not to support her, emotionally or financially, isn't something a 9 year old should have to cope with. She is now settled after the last time her father walked out on her, she no longer sobs whenever he is mentioned, and that is how she will stay.

Throw it back at them. If they are serious and wish to start a long term relationship then they will choose to weather both your anger and your reticence!

Haffdonga · 30/05/2018 18:08

Could you offer letter contact only to start with? That way you could control what your dd sees or knows and judge how consistent they are prepared to be for a long period before reconsidering any face to face contact and perhaps they could start by sending a birthday card or two

I'd explain to ex's family that the repeated abandonment by her father has caused her great emotional distress and she would need very slow, consistent and careful re-introduction to them to rebuild any trust.

Somehow I guess if they have to put any effort in they'll soon give up. If they do they will , you have your answer but if they manage to stay consistent and keep to your ground rules over a year or two they wont then perhaps you would want to consider face to face then.

Original poster
TopofthePops · 30/05/2018 18:09

NukaColaGirl

Christ that's bloody awful. I just don't understand these people. There's men and families out there desperate to see their kids/grandkids/nieces/nephews and yet our exes and their families couldn't give a flying fuck about one of their own family membersAngry

OP posts:
Gloryificus · 30/05/2018 18:09

I've had a similar situation ex fecking off messing dc around with contact i tried everything to help dc see him( by doing all drop offs pick ups) but the last straw was when he moved abroad without a word and dc found out over a year later the GPS were covering for him/ making excuses.
I then told gps that I couldn't keep upsetting my children and that was enough but they were welcome to visit dc in hometown. These visits became once only on birthdays but eventually tapered off to zero after a couple of years.
It's shit and I didn't know what else to do. Dc are adults now and have visited gps twice but with no contact from that side of their family ever now.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 30/05/2018 18:10

I would first message back and say about her beinf let down tine after time nd not going through that again and then if they can reassure you thats not what's gonna happen then ask your daughter. She is old enough to say what she would like. I would explain to her that it could happen that she's let down again and see what she thinks. It's still her family and she has a right to know them if she wants too. Who knows what her dad has been telling them and maybe that's why they stayed away.
If you give your daughter the choice she can never blame u for her not seeing them ect but she is old enough to start knowing what people are like. Good luck

KickAssAngel · 30/05/2018 18:10

Can you test the waters by suggesting that they start with 'letterbox' contact? e.g. they send a letter and/or cards, then think about meeting you first, then the 2 of you somewhere neutral etc.

If they're serious, they'll be understanding and happy to gradually reestablish contact. If not, they'll just bugger off.

That way you haven't banned them (and you may want to say that honestly to your DD at some point) but they have to actually be committed to be back in contact (hopefully meaning they won't just bugger off again).

Original poster
TopofthePops · 30/05/2018 18:13

Thank you to everyone who has replied, I really appreciate it. For those saying about re-introducing DD to them slowly etc. I would still worry that it would bring it all back to her about her dad not wanting her or am I just over-thinking it all?

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