Exs family wanting contact with DD.

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I split with XH 7 years ago when DD was 2. Since then he has been a shit parent to DD. He has disappeared 3 times and didn't contact us forwell over a year each time. The last time he wanted to come back into her life I told him that this would need to be the last time he messed her about because in the time he would be gone, it took such a lot of reassuring and mopping up tears to convince her it wasn't her fault.

2 years ago he disappeared out of her life again, she was so so upset that I vowed I would never allow him to do this to her again. He runs his own business and has quite a cushy life-style with his new wife and her kids but yet he doesn't pay a penny in maintenance.

His parents and siblings have never contacted me to see DD in the times he goes AWOL, don't send birthday or christmas cards to her or invite her to her cousins birthday parties etc and generally don't acknowledge her.

One of my friends was out at the weekend and met his sister in the pub and they got chatting about my DD, his sister was asking how DD was getting on...my friend told her "Well to be honest, she's great now but your brother fucking off yet again really really hurt her, he's a disgrace and you and your family are not much better "

The sister has obviously told her parents because the next day his father messaged me on Facebook and asked to see DD. His sister also text me with pathetic excuses about why they haven't bothered with DD.

So my fear is that if I allow them back into DDs life, it will trigger the fact her father doesn't want her or he'll try and come back into her life again when he hears his family have contact and then he/they'll abandon her again and the whole cycle begins again. I honestly don't think I could watch her go through that again, it broke my heart into 1000 pieces watching her hurting. So would I be unreasonable to just ignore them? I haven't replied to any of their messages yet.

How about you show you care by making sure your DS/DB pays DD the maintenance she's entitled to? Then we can talk about visits

This .

If he wants to renew contact he can pursue this legally and you can resist, and evidence his past behaviour. Have you ever had legal advice on it?

No I've never had legal advice. I know for a fact he would never go to court though, he'd shit himself that he'd have to pay maintenance.

Would she understand when you ask her do you want to see your dad? Do you feel emotionally strong enough or shall we just forget about him? Hard to tell some 9 yr olds are mature for their age. Please don't flame me for this

DD is somewhat of a people pleaser so she if this was put to her, she would think of their feelings first before her own, she hates to think of people being upset and would believe they'd be very sad if she said no.

You can always add that you will review the situation if DD wants contact in future

Yes this is possible, she may decide on her own when she's a little bit older.

Thanks again everyone, really appreciate every single post.

Legal advice would be good if you can afford it.

If you seek it he has to pay maintenance, and if he then asks for contact and you refuse on grounds of his past behaviour he could then apply to court, but may well not.

Loopytiles

Thank you for that information.

I came on here ready to say "of course they should be allowed contact" but reading your posts your poor, poor DD needs stability and people who are going to offer her consistency rather than people who'll step up only when it's about keeping up appearances.

As others have suggested legal advice would help but since they've shown no interest til now I don't imagine a court would grant them any type of access (and to be brutal, I don't think they've earned the right to be grandparents). You are her roots and her consistency, don't doubt yourself when it comes to decisions like this because you know better than anyone what's right for her.

Ignore and block. Your dd can’t be picked up and dropped like an unwanted doll. They can fuck off, they’ve only done this because your friend shamed them.

I'd be furious with a friend who decided to take it upon themselves to remind my Ex's family that my kids exist. What did she actually achieve other than you a load of stress. I don't get the people bigging up your friend behaviour at all, that would be a ex friend as far as I'm concerned.

I wouldnt reply. But if and only if i was absolutely certain ex won't take it to court, especially in the face of family pressure. Otherwise I would be setting up a really long structuredperiod of letter contact then telephone contact then supervised contact.

I personally would ignore it. My ex is absent and his sister has never bothered with my kids (he only has his sister parents passed awAy) she has never once asked to see my kids so if she popped up out the blue i would ignore it.

You are her roots and her consistency, don't doubt yourself when it comes to decisions like this because you know better than anyone what's right for her

You know what, thanks for that because I was doubting my judgement on this yesterday. I know deep in my heart she's better off without them, they had their chances and blew them..no more chances.

I'd be furious with a friend who decided to take it upon themselves to remind my Ex's family that my kids exist. What did she actually achieve other than you a load of stress. I don't get the people bigging up your friend behaviour at all, that would be a ex friend as far as I'm concerned

I was shocked at first when my friend told me about this but I'm not at all furious or even mildly annoyed with her, in fact I admire her for sticking up for my DD.

I’m glad that you feel able to trust your own judgement on this.

I’m 99.9% sure that they have no interest in seeing your DD ( sadly ) . They only want to be able to say that they tried and the witch of a mother stopped them and it’s all your fault, they are blameless blah blah blah.

People like this find it hard to accept the consequences of their own actions. They think it’s your and your Dds job to make them feel better about their own selfish choices. It’s not.

I agree that they would see her for a couple of times, hand out a few cheap gifts and then bugger off again when they got bored. She’s better off without them.

However if I am wrong then you will soon find out. Because they will send you appropriate cards, letters and gifts for her regularly over the next few years. And if that happens, I’m sure you will keep them for her, give them when (if )it’s appropriate and then reconsider your decision.

And IMO this county would be a better place if there were more people like your friend. Not paying child support and abandoning your kids should be as socially unacceptable as drunk driving.

And IMO this county would be a better place if there were more people like your friend. Not paying child support and abandoning your kids should be as socially unacceptable as drunk driving

Amen to that. It is disgraceful that a parent can walk away from their responsibilities and leave the other one to pick up the pieces. I think it's taken more seriously in some parts of America isn't it? Driving licenses can be confiscated etc. Wish it was the same here.