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Original poster

Exs family wanting contact with DD.

86 replies

TopofthePops · 30/05/2018 17:39

I split with XH 7 years ago when DD was 2. Since then he has been a shit parent to DD. He has disappeared 3 times and didn't contact us forwell over a year each time. The last time he wanted to come back into her life I told him that this would need to be the last time he messed her about because in the time he would be gone, it took such a lot of reassuring and mopping up tears to convince her it wasn't her fault.

2 years ago he disappeared out of her life again, she was so so upset that I vowed I would never allow him to do this to her again. He runs his own business and has quite a cushy life-style with his new wife and her kids but yet he doesn't pay a penny in maintenance.

His parents and siblings have never contacted me to see DD in the times he goes AWOL, don't send birthday or christmas cards to her or invite her to her cousins birthday parties etc and generally don't acknowledge her.

One of my friends was out at the weekend and met his sister in the pub and they got chatting about my DD, his sister was asking how DD was getting on...my friend told her "Well to be honest, she's great now but your brother fucking off yet again really really hurt her, he's a disgrace and you and your family are not much better Shock"

The sister has obviously told her parents because the next day his father messaged me on Facebook and asked to see DD. His sister also text me with pathetic excuses about why they haven't bothered with DD.

So my fear is that if I allow them back into DDs life, it will trigger the fact her father doesn't want her or he'll try and come back into her life again when he hears his family have contact and then he/they'll abandon her again and the whole cycle begins again. I honestly don't think I could watch her go through that again, it broke my heart into 1000 pieces watching her hurting. So would I be unreasonable to just ignore them? I haven't replied to any of their messages yet.

OP posts:
ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 30/05/2018 18:17

“Dear FIL/SIL, while I understand it must be embarrassing for you to have recently been criticized for your failure to show an interest in your grand-daughter, I’m afraid that ship has sailed for now.

It has taken two years for her to come to terms with her (repeated) abandonment by her father and the rest of you. Although I would have loved for her to have had a relationship with you all, I’m afraid the trust is gone and I do not intend to risk putting her through the emotional upheaval of abandonment again.

If she wishes to contact you once she is of age to make that decision for herself, I will be happy for her to do so. In that instance, I hope you will have had enough time to truly consider what you and she have both missed out on.”

flumpybear · 30/05/2018 18:19

@ShamelesslyPlacemarking - bravo!

BettyBaggins · 30/05/2018 18:20

You know his family already. As much as I dont think it fair to separate your dd from paternal family I also think they are taking the fucking piss. I think they need to know they have upset and abandoned a little girl and you will not have that done again. Maybe the idea of a letter or email to build up (and see if they are capable of) a relationship is a fair middle ground. Is the gd a reasonable man or like father like son?

(I was separated from my paternal family, they were a good bunch I later found out, I could of done with their influence in my childhood/teen years but if yours are as crap as dd's Dad you must do what your instinct tells you is best for her wellbeing.)

NukaColaGirl · 30/05/2018 18:20

@TopOfThePops Exactly. My ExDP, who I have 2DDs with, thinks it’s abhorrent. We coparent very well, always have, he gave ExH a massive dressing down when he had the nerve to contact him about me “being bitter and controlling and not letting him see our DD”, ExDP didn’t buy his bollocks for one second. “Considering I went through my loft to see if I had kept any of our old baby stuff, because you wouldn’t provide for your unborn child, and I drove your wife to hospital when she was in labour and terrified, and having supported her through an horrific pregnancy, I think you need to give your a head a serious fucking wobble mate, and think about who you’re speaking to here.”

ExMIL came round because she’d found letters from the mediation - which I had instigated - stating that ExH had very clearly said “There’s no law to force me to see my DD. I don’t want to.” This despite HIM pushing me for over a year to TTC Angry He ghosted me when I was pregnant, rocked up the birth, flitted in and out for 7 weeks then went AWOL.

Your ex and his family can fucking DO one. Jog the fuck on arseholes. That’s your child, not a toy they can pick up and put down when they get bored with.

BarbarianMum · 30/05/2018 18:23

How about you suggest they start w birthday and Christmas cards? Then if they keep those up you could move to emails / pics and (if they prove themselves longterm) you could then think about face to face?

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 30/05/2018 18:23

(Maybe a letter suggesting they fuck off to the far end of fuck along with your ex.)
Just ignore and get on with your lives is my thinking.

summerinrome · 30/05/2018 18:28

Above all your dd comes first and they have a very long track record for letting her down. I agree your friend was amazing, and clearly hit a real nerve. It changes absolutely nothing, their absence is a disgrace.

I wouldn't give my child the choice and allow her to be hurt again. I agree the card route is a good one, with you holding onto the cards to see how committed they really are (you can share them with dd at a later date if they truly prove themselves), this can extend to gifts at christmas and her birthday and see where it takes you (I am willing to bet this contact disappears long before christmas)

Don't let them hurt her again, she has been through so much already in her young life, she is settled now, let her enjoy her childhood with no worries.

They have been publicly shamed and embarrassed that is all this is.

expatinscotland · 30/05/2018 18:32

What Shameless said, with bells on.

Original poster
TopofthePops · 30/05/2018 18:33

ShamelesslyPlacemarking

Excellent! I think I'll send that message but only if they contact me again. Until then I think I'm just going to continue to ignore.

Maybe a letter suggesting they fuck off to the far end of fuck along with your ex

And when they get there, they can fuck off some moreGrin.

Thanks again everyone, my guilt of ignoring them is starting to subside.

OP posts:
AllMYSmellySocks · 30/05/2018 18:34

How about you suggest they start w birthday and Christmas cards? Then if they keep those up you could move to emails / pics and (if they prove themselves longterm) you could then think about face to face?

I think this is a great idea, if they can't be bothered to keep this up there's your answer!

robotcartrainhat · 30/05/2018 18:35

Id just message back saying politely but firmly, that your daughter is settled now after being repeatedly let down by her father and you think to try and reintroduce his family to her at this age would just cause her needless distress. That you are sorry but its a bit late at this stage for them to become involved and it would not be beneficial to your daughters mental wellbeing.

PuppetOnAString · 30/05/2018 18:36

What ShamelesslyPlacemarking says is perfect.

Your priority is to your DD and not getting her heart broken again. Why do they deserve a relationship with her? They’ve had 9 years, and now all of a sudden they’ve been shamed in public they want to try? They’re taking the fucking piss.

user1493413286 · 30/05/2018 18:36

I’d suggest a few months of letter contact first as that will test their commitment and go on the wishes of your DD, at 9 she can give a view on it.
There is the risk it will make her dad want contact again though.

RippleEffects · 30/05/2018 18:38

I'd second/ third the suggest gentle contact like birthday cards, letters and photos, seasonal cards etc.

Then it keeps a basic line of communication open - which you can control for some years by intercepting all post.

PuppetOnAString · 30/05/2018 18:38

Do not use the word sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for.

MrsBertBibby · 30/05/2018 18:39

I would write back explaining your feelings, and saying you can't see what they can possibly do to convince you they won't just hurt your daughter all over again.

See what, if anything, they come up with. That may prove instructive. It isn't your job to tell them how to fix this.

TooTrueToBeGood · 30/05/2018 18:40

Such a hard situation and no right or wrong answer. However, how can she have a long-term relationship with his family without it being a constant, painful reminder that he has absented himself from her life? There is the possibility they might step up and bring something positive for her but it seems unlikely. If they cared about her where have they been?

PuppetOnAString · 30/05/2018 18:40

I wouldn’t be giving them the opportunity to hurt your DD again.

NukaColaGirl · 30/05/2018 18:43

A similar thing happened with DNephs Dad a few years ago too. Bumped into him in a club, having never actually seen him in person before (DSis was in her late teens when pregnant, I’m much older and had never met him.) The cheeky fucker tried hitting on me. Calmly told him I wasn’t the least bit attracted to deadbeat Dads with secret children, and that I was having a great time stepping into fill his shoes. (His family don’t know DNeph exists, DNeph was 3 at the time, and I’d had him EOW pretty much since birth till he was 7 and DSis got married to an amazing guy and moved away.)

He found DSis on FB and asked how they were doing and could he have some photos Hmm Before she could reply he’d blocked her.

CatOwned · 30/05/2018 18:43

"How about you show you care by making sure your DS/DB pays DD the maintenance she's entitled to? Then we can talk about visits."

IdaDown · 30/05/2018 18:45

You have a true friend there OP

My father fucked off when I was about 6/7 to play happy families with his new wife. All of his side of the family immediately disappeared. In fact in our medium sized town people who knew him didn’t even know I existed.

It hurt, complete rejection. There’s no excuse these days. Relationships fail, people move on but there’s no stigma to being a single parent or co-parenting. There’s no reason to loose contact with social media etc... Families come in all shapes and sizes -it was their (grandparents, aunts ...) decision to drop you and DD not your ex’s. I’d think very carefully about letting them in. Especially as it took a public shaming for them to contact you.

Original poster
TopofthePops · 30/05/2018 18:46

I’d suggest a few months of letter contact first as that will test their commitment and go on the wishes of your DD, at 9 she can give a view on it
There is the risk it will make her dad want contact again though*

Yes that's my biggest concern. I honestly think she's better off without him and if there's any contact with his family I believe he'll try and sneak back in so he doesn't look even worse than he already does.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 30/05/2018 18:50

i wouldnt trust them-the only time theyre bothering is when theyr shamed into it?

sounds like theyre bothered about their image rather than seeing your dd

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/05/2018 18:55

I wouldn't even contemplate allowing them to see her. Why risk the damage it can do to her when they turn out to be as flaky as her dad?
Best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour - thus far they've shown no interest or care for your child, so this is likely to be what they do as soon as the novelty wears off or their guilt is alleviated!

Strigiformes · 30/05/2018 18:56

I would send shamelesslyPlacemarkings response now as it's brilliant. If you ignore they will tell people that they tried to get in contact with you about seeing their granddaughter but you didn't reply. It gives them the easy out that they're looking for. I imagine that they're hoping that you won't reply as they're clearly not bothered at all. It's the opinion of others that has prompted the text. They should be ashamed so let them know how badly they have behaved. Block the number after sending the text Flowers