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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exs family wanting contact with DD.

86 replies

TopofthePops · 30/05/2018 17:39

I split with XH 7 years ago when DD was 2. Since then he has been a shit parent to DD. He has disappeared 3 times and didn't contact us forwell over a year each time. The last time he wanted to come back into her life I told him that this would need to be the last time he messed her about because in the time he would be gone, it took such a lot of reassuring and mopping up tears to convince her it wasn't her fault.

2 years ago he disappeared out of her life again, she was so so upset that I vowed I would never allow him to do this to her again. He runs his own business and has quite a cushy life-style with his new wife and her kids but yet he doesn't pay a penny in maintenance.

His parents and siblings have never contacted me to see DD in the times he goes AWOL, don't send birthday or christmas cards to her or invite her to her cousins birthday parties etc and generally don't acknowledge her.

One of my friends was out at the weekend and met his sister in the pub and they got chatting about my DD, his sister was asking how DD was getting on...my friend told her "Well to be honest, she's great now but your brother fucking off yet again really really hurt her, he's a disgrace and you and your family are not much better Shock"

The sister has obviously told her parents because the next day his father messaged me on Facebook and asked to see DD. His sister also text me with pathetic excuses about why they haven't bothered with DD.

So my fear is that if I allow them back into DDs life, it will trigger the fact her father doesn't want her or he'll try and come back into her life again when he hears his family have contact and then he/they'll abandon her again and the whole cycle begins again. I honestly don't think I could watch her go through that again, it broke my heart into 1000 pieces watching her hurting. So would I be unreasonable to just ignore them? I haven't replied to any of their messages yet.

OP posts:
Ariesgirl1988 · 30/05/2018 18:59

Sounds to me like you friend made the sister and the rest of the family feel ashamed for how your DD has been treated by them. Personally if it was me I would ignore the messages but this could come back to bite you on the arse when your DD is older and they may say this to her. Why not ask your DD if she wants to start up contact with them again? least then you're not hiding it from her and she can make the choice herself if she says no then that's it end of story.

Midthreademergencynamechange · 30/05/2018 19:03

I wouldn't be offering them anything and can't believe there are people on here suggesting you try to facilitate a relationship between your dd and her deadbeat father's family!! Why on earth would you? If you need to reply just say "Your interest in dd has come out of the blue. I don't feel it is in her best interests to be made to see you so could you please leave us alone as you have done for all these years while her father mucked her around".

TypingoftheDead · 30/05/2018 19:09

If I were in your position I wouldn't let them see her, it sounds like they're doing it because of guilt, not a genuine desire to see her.

AdaColeman · 30/05/2018 19:14

I think it would be inevitable that they would see DD a few brief times then lose interest again, leaving DD unhappy and distressed.
And no doubt they would take the opportunity of singing the praises of their son, which would unsettle and confuse DD too.

Perhaps send a non committal message back, polite, but not agreeing to contact at the moment.

They've got a nerve really!

Ariesgirl1988 · 30/05/2018 19:14

Also your friend is absolutely ace for shaming them up! good for her for telling it like it is! we all need friends like that I'm so glad to say I have friends like this Smile

Original poster
TopofthePops · 30/05/2018 19:16

Also your friend is absolutely ace for shaming them up! good for her for telling it like it is!

Yes she's great. She seen the hurt caused to DD so feels a bit protective of her.

OP posts:
TeatimeForTheSoul · 30/05/2018 19:24

Would it be possible to say you’d only consider a gradual re-introduction into her life e.g. regular cards and letters first, then ( if they manage to maintain this) meeting at a large gathering, then and only then one to one meetings. It may minimise the loss if they drop out again.

SoddingUnicorns · 30/05/2018 19:25

Another one piping up in support of sending ShamelesslyPlacemarking’s message!

Tilliebean · 30/05/2018 19:29

My dad always did his best, but his parents were another story and he never stood up to them about how they treated me. They lived far away, never called and very very rarely acknowledged me in any way. Occasionally they would come (maybe every 2-3 years) and see my dad, expecting me to travel the 5 hour drive (parents were divorced) so they could see me and tell me how much they loved and missed me.

I was about your daughters age when I started to clock that it was a load of BS. I had a set of grandparents who loved me and never forgot a birthday or an important event. It became clear that my dads parents didn’t care and were just doing (and saying) what they thought they should. Generally in front of groups of friends and family.

I remember sobbing to my mum when I had my 13th birthday, yet again I’d been forgotten and that was it for me. I caused world war 3 with my dad by flat out refusing to see them anymore. I’d had enough lying and pretending.

What I am trying to say is your daughter is old enough to make the choice. My mum was great in this situation, she just listened. I could tell she was raging but she totally followed my lead and tried to stay measured when discussing it. She told me honestly and without judgment about my grandparents previous form for behaviour like that (and with there own sons).

At 9 I would tell your daughter what they offered (and what you think caused the offer, what you are worried about happening and ideas you have around them her interactions with them. Highlight your concern about her dad and say you’re worried about her getting hurt. Then let her decide.

I think the danger is always that your daughter might hear from someone down the line that they “tried” and then you could look like the bad guy for not giving the option, even if it is for all the right reasons. My mum was, and is still, not a perfect parent but decades on I can say she 100% handled the situation with my grandparents exactly right! It wasn’t easy but it was nice for me to be in control and make my own choices, knowing I had my mum (and her family’s) full support.

Livingsymbol · 30/05/2018 19:33

Wouldn’t bother it only bring further heart break on the girl, maybe let her decide when she is older

TodaysMostPopular · 30/05/2018 20:22

Tell them to shove their attempt at contact up their ass.

I feel for you and your DD, although my DS is far too young to know he even has a father!

His DF decided to fuck off before I gave birth and has told me very clearly via email, he doesn't want anything to do with my baby! Those were his words, wouldn't even acknowledge that his DS was his too!

It's been 18months and we've heard nothing. Not even his family want to know. As pp's said, apple doesn't fall too far from the tree

Wallywobbles · 30/05/2018 20:30

I'd want to respond with.

I think you are in touch because of what my mate said and you are embarrassed about what other people think of you all. I want you to think really carefully about this because your brother has caused real damage to his child and my guess is that the apple didn't fall far from the tree. So if you are proposing a lifelong commitment then we can talk, otherwise move on.

Original poster
TopofthePops · 30/05/2018 20:53

TodaysMostPopular

What an absolute arsehole your ex isAngry.

OP posts:
Ariesgirl1988 · 30/05/2018 21:11

@TopofthePops I bet the sister didn't know where to look when she got called out so blatantly Grin as I said previously either ask your daughter if she wants to see them or just tell them that if they feel bad tough luck they shoulda done this years ago not now to ease their conscience and look to good to everyone else after such a public shaming

sue51 · 30/05/2018 21:23

There are no excuses for abandoning your child. Don't let them in only to disappoint her again. Contact cms, no reason why her father can't contribute to his daughters costs, contact and maintenance are not the same.

Original poster
TopofthePops · 30/05/2018 21:35

Ariesgirl1988

Yes friend said the sister looked absolutely mortifiedGrin. I think I'm going to leave it and see if they contact me again. It's possible they'll give up after all the effort of sending 2 messagesHmm.

sue51

I would love to contact cms but again my worry is he would then demand to see DD and eventually let her down again. there's no way he'd let it lie if he had to pay maintenance.

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 31/05/2018 04:41

Your friend sounds like an absolute champ. Smile

There's no way I'd let the outlaws see DD.

I'd ignore their message for now, but if they bother to send another one, then I'd respond that due to both them and Ex'sName history of abandoning DD, it wouldn't be in her best interests to be put in that situation again. Then block them.

I'd also put in a CMS claim as that is entirely separate to the access arrangement (or lack thereof).

Loopytiles · 31/05/2018 05:02

Yes, shamelessly’s message is good.

I wouldn’t want them to see DD. The risks of them letting her down again seem high. It doesn’t seem in her best interests to take that risk. Their feelings are not at all important.

I would consider seeking maintenance from your ex. Your DD deserves that money. It doesn’t necessarily follow that being required to pay maintenance would lead him to seek contact, and if he did this may not be granted. Might be good to thoroughly investigate your options on that, and the legal position. Also support for DD, eg counselling.

Loopytiles · 31/05/2018 05:06

It is very wrong of him not to pay maintenance, and almost threaten getting back in contact. You don’t have to enable that though.

If he wants to renew contact he can pursue this legally and you can resist, and evidence his past behaviour. Have you ever had legal advice on it?

thebewilderness · 31/05/2018 05:26

I always let the kids have a short visit with their dads family when they said they were curious to meet them.
No effort was ever made to develop a relationship with the children. Just these visits where the kids played together and the adults tried to make polite conversation every few years.

They are strangers and so if your daughter wants them to stay strangers I would advise respecting her wishes.
The have never been family and she needs to understand that they probably never will be what she hopes for in the way of family.
I am so sorry they have done this to you and your daughter.

mustbemad17 · 31/05/2018 05:46

Personally i'd ignore. If they contact again the letter idea is brilliant - this is the path we regularly go down with my ex & DD. She never gets the letters because i specify clearly that i want to monitor them AND his committment first...we usually get one letter a week for a month if we're lucky then he gets bored. The result doesn't matter to DD (6) because she has no knowledge, but it shows clearly that a) he actually doesn't give a shit because he uses the letters to try the old emotional blackmail, and b) that he has at least been given several chances.

My DD hasn't had any contact with his side of the family since they all dropped her 5.5 years ago...to me if you can do that, you deserve jack shit. Bravo to your mate for saying it as it is!

Birdnerd · 31/05/2018 05:50

I would be interested to hear what your dd thinks. Would she understand when you ask her do you want to see your dad? Do you feel emotionally strong enough or shall we just forget about him? Hard to tell some 9 yr olds are mature for their age. Please don't flame me for this.

On a personal opinion I would ignore them as you say the effort of two whole text messages to you must have drained the poor souls.

FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 31/05/2018 05:58

Honestly I think your daughter is better off without any of them and I wouldn’t bother replying at all. No child needs family in their life who make them cry like that because they’ve been rejected and ignored.

I’d be tempted to block them all but if you do that they then have an excuse as to why they’ve not seen her and it’ll be your fault. No way. This is all their fault. Your friend sounds fab btw.

FreeMantle · 31/05/2018 06:34

I have a very similar situation. I'm with Midthread on this.
Be honest -They haven't been around, they supported their brother/ son mucking his child around, they have only contacted you because a mutual friend mentioned it, no thanks.
You can always add that you will review the situation if DD wants contact in future.

Honest, polite, unequivocal. If they feel bad ( which they should) it's up to them to jump through hoops.
In my situation I said pretty much the same as up thread and they have never been in touch since. So clearly not bothered.

magoria · 31/05/2018 07:42

They are not interested in your DD because they love her and she is family.

They are only interested because someone called them out.

So they text once a year or pitch up to yours once a year and sit there looking awkward. Where as they still do all the normal things as usual with the rest like they are now. What would your DD get out of that? Just more evidence she means nothing to them.

Tell them to start with birthday and Christmas cards with a letter and you will see what happens.