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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if physical aggression always gets worse

94 replies

Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 08:21

A couple of nights ago dh and I disagreed about bed routines. I will admit, I was winding him up as well.

It ended with him dragging me out of the room (baby in cot) by my hair.

I'm still trying to decide what's best to do. But is it a given that this gets worse or can it be put down to a one off (still bad, I know.)

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 30/05/2018 08:26

Ok you have serious problems there.

You need to split up.

Neither of you should lay a hand on each other in anger, and the fact one of you have already over stepped that boundary means you shouldn't be together.

drspouse · 30/05/2018 08:28

That's already escalated!
I thought you were going to say he snatched something or broke a cup.

Butterflykissess · 30/05/2018 08:29

Never a one off.

rainbowruthie · 30/05/2018 08:30

Yes, it will get worse, don't stay around to find that out for yourself

Namechanger2015 · 30/05/2018 08:31

That's already escalated!
I thought you were going to say he snatched something or broke a cup.

I totally agree.

Mine got worse - started with holding my wrist roughly and escalated to punching me in the head in front of our children.

Never apologised for his behaviour, it was always my fault apparently. How did yours react following the incident? (Not that it matters really, he has still crossed the line).

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 30/05/2018 08:31

Does it matter if it gets worse or stays at the current level? The fact is he's assaulted you. He belongs in jail, to be perfectly blunt, and no amount of soul-searching or self-improvement or promises is going to change him.

Leave. Leave him and never for a second consider returning.

I could spend the entire night winding DH up (I wouldn't, because it would be dickish and I'm fond of him) and he wouldn't react physically. It's not about the reason or the excuse. It's about the fact that he reacted that way and will continue to do so each time you wind him up or disagree or look at him the wrong way. Staying teaches him that you're ok with being hurt.

swimmerlab · 30/05/2018 08:31

It would be game over for me.

What was his reaction afterwards, immediate remorse or blame you?

Original poster
Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 08:34

Yeah, it's easy to say leave is the problem - but I've nowhere to go Sad

Am trying to make plans, though. I really am.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 30/05/2018 08:35

what is the most sad about your post is that you are already excusing his behaviour. Nothing you said to someone who is supposed to love you should result in them being physically violent towards you. Nothing. Ever.

OddS0ck · 30/05/2018 08:38

Why was he getting you out of the room? Was it because you wanted to comfort a crying baby and he thought they should be left to cry?

Whateverthe reason, yes, it will get worse. As a pp said, you staying tells him it's ok to assault you.

Original poster
Kickinghotpinkcans · 30/05/2018 08:39

Well, if there's a room going at yours, Odd, great.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 30/05/2018 08:40

Yes it will get worse.

Start making plans. And look at The Freedom Programme online

PestymcPestFace · 30/05/2018 08:42

Women's aid can help you 0808 2000 247

Gunpowder · 30/05/2018 08:46

I think that is already pretty bad. I think the measure is would you be shocked if you saw something happen in a public place j

Gunpowder · 30/05/2018 08:48

Whoops sorry posted too soon,

And if I saw someone dragged by their hair I wouldn’t just be shocked I would call the police. It doesn’t matter that you wound him up. That happens in normal relationships. Dragging by the hair doesn’t. I’m so sorry OP.

youarenotkiddingme · 30/05/2018 08:50

Your already putting some blame at your door - "I was winding him up".

Ok, you may have been verbally arguing but he physically assaulted you. That's never acceptable or excusable. And if it's happened once there's always the chance it'll happens again.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 30/05/2018 08:52

Youre already trying to mitigate this incident by saying you were winding him up. Thats the nature of an argument- you both disagree- his response is not ok. That is the biggest understatement.

To answer your question, yes it does get worse. Every single time he is physically aggressive and there are no consequences, the boundaries of what is 'acceptable' become more blurred.

I dont know where you live, but I think you need to call a women's DV helpline and get some advice from someone. Personally, if you were my friend IRL I'd be telling you to not worry about you and baby having nowhere to go; I'd try to persuade you to make a report to the police of assault and given that this has happened in front of a baby, a protection order. Then he would be worrying about where to go.

Get advice from a DV helpline- they can be the best thing ever.

rainbowlou · 30/05/2018 08:53

I have personal experience and it got a lot worse and lot more frequent.
I also had nowhere to go and nobody I could tell irl.
Looking back I wish I’d had the courage to call the police and women’s aid and ask for help.
(I went on to work for WA and the help and support offered is amazing)

SensoryOverlord · 30/05/2018 08:59

Dragging someone by the hair is really really aggressive - it's a whole different ball game to an angry shove for instance, which is what I was expecting you to say.

What was the 'reason' op

GrumpyOldMare · 30/05/2018 09:04

Yes it does.

My ex was verbally aggressive at first. It didn't take long for it to escalate into physical aggression. The last time it happened (when I realised that next time I could actually sustain really serious injuries) I ended up with bruised/suspected cracked ribs.

Yet he was always "sorry" afterwards but it "was my fault for winding him up" No dear,you're a violent alcoholic.

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 30/05/2018 09:06

The problem is he believes, even just in the heat of the moment, that this is an acceptable way to treat you. That won't change Sad
Good luck getting your plans together, I know it isn't easy but you can get there.

evergreen7 · 30/05/2018 09:07

Why was he dragging you out of the room?
What did he say/do after?

Dsc1907 · 30/05/2018 09:16

It's understandable that "just leave" isn't something you can instantly put into action. But you do seem to have indicated you want to make a plan to do so and I would encourage you to. In the meantime Women's Aid have advice on safety planning while you are still there and on how to make plans to leave safely (e.g. Not tipping him off).

Others are right. Violence is never a one off. He will excuse it, deny it, blame you, pretend to be sorry, maybe even beg for forgiveness and promise it will never happen again. But it will.

It took me a while to figure out how to leave and find the courage to go through with it. I'd been so controlled I didn't have the first clue about how to find my own place to live or what I needed to do. The WA website, money advice service website, and CAB helped me figure out the practicalities and keep myself safe until I could leave. Attending the Freedom Programme and confiding in my GP helped me find the confidence and self belief to go through with it.

The Freedom Programme also helped me start to sort my head out and untangle all the stuff he'd programmed into me about how I was "asking for it" and had "brought it on myself" and that I was "overreacting".

What he did was not your fault and is not ok. You didn't deserve it.

Storm4star · 30/05/2018 09:31

One of the reasons I stayed too long in a relationship like this, was because I kept telling myself “next time”. You get into this pattern where you do exactly what you did last night, you take some of the blame, you minimise. Because the alternative of leaving seems such a mountain to climb. I get it totally.

So you think, next time he does something like that I’m leaving. But then when it happens, you find excuses to let that one go and think next time again, and on and on it goes. I’ve been in refuges and they’re not easy places to live in, I left and went back twice before I finally went for good the third time.

If you don’t feel able to leave right now, then prepare and prepare well. Get all the advice you can, women’s aid etc. If it’s at all possible, stash as much money as you can. Get everything as ready as possible to be able to walk out of that door and not go back. Because yes, as everyone else has said, now it’s crossed the line that’s it. He will do it again and it will escalate.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2018 09:33

Next time, hands around your neck.

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